KCNET NEWSLETTER
 FUN PAGE
 10/07/07  &  10/14/07

TRIVIA:
QUOTES:
CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS

TRIVIA:
 

Why Leaves Change Color The Splendor of Autumn Every autumn we revel in the beauty of the fall colors. The mixture of red, purple, orange and yellow is the result of chemical processes that take place in the tree as the seasons change from summer to winter. During the spring and summer the leaves have served as factories where most of the foods necessary for the tree's growth are manufactured. This food-making process takes place in the leaf in numerous cells containing chlorophyll, which gives the leaf its green color. This extraordinary chemical absorbs from sunlight the energy that is used in transforming carbon dioxide and water to carbohydrates, such as sugars and starch. Along with the green pigment are yellow to orange pigments, carotenes and xanthophyll pigments which, for example, give the orange color to a carrot. Most of the year these colors are masked by great amounts of green coloring. Chlorophyll Breaks Down But in the fall, because of changes in the length of daylight and changes in temperature, the leaves stop their food-making process. The chlorophyll breaks down, the green color disappears, and the yellow to orange colors become visible and give the leaves part of their fall splendor. At the same time other chemical changes may occur, which form additional colors through the development of red anthocyanin pigments. Some mixtures give rise to the reddish and purplish fall colors of trees such as dogwoods and sumacs, while others give the sugar maple its brilliant orange. The autumn foliage of some trees show only yellow colors. Others, like many oaks, display mostly browns. All these colors are due to the mixing of varying amounts of the chlorophyll residue and other pigments in the leaf during the fall season. Other Changes Take Place As the fall colors appear, other changes are taking place. At the point where the stem of the leaf is attached to the tree, a special layer of cells develops and gradually severs the tissues that support the leaf. At the same time, the tree seals the cut, so that when the leaf is finally blown off by the wind or falls from its own weight, it leaves behind a leaf scar. Most of the broad-leaved trees in the North shed their leaves in the fall. However, the dead brown leaves of the oaks and a few other species may stay on the tree until growth starts again in the spring. In the South, where the winters are mild, some of the broad-leaved trees are evergreen; that is, the leaves stay on the trees during winter and keep their green color. Only Some Trees Lose Leaves Most of the conifers - pines, spruces, firs, hemlocks, cedars, etc. - are evergreen in both the North and South. The needle- or scale-like leaves remain green or greenish the year round, and individual leaves may stay on for two to four or more years. Weather Affects Color Intensity Temperature, light, and water supply have an influence on the degree and the duration of fall color. Low temperatures above freezing will favor anthocyanin formation producing bright reds in maples. However, early frost will weaken the brilliant red color. Rainy and/or overcast days tend to increase the intensity of fall colors. The best time to enjoy the autumn color would be on a clear, dry, and cool (not freezing) day. Enjoy the color, it only occurs for a brief period each fall. ~Featured on weather.com~  From the SUNY College of Environmental Science and Forestry

 

QUOTES: Winter is an etching, spring a watercolor, summer an oil painting and autumn a mosaic of them all. ~Stanley Horowitz~ Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. ~David Letterman~ October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February. ~Mark Twain~ The foliage has been losing its freshness through the month of August, and here and there a yellow leaf shows itself like the first gray hair amidst the locks of a beauty who has seen one season too many. ~Oliver Wendell Holmes Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower.  ~Albert Camus For man, autumn is a time of harvest, of gathering together.  For nature, it is a time of sowing, of scattering abroad.  ~Edwin Way Teale It was one of those perfect English autumnal days which occur more frequently in memory than in life.  ~P.D. James Bittersweet October.  The mellow, messy, leaf-kicking, perfect pause between the opposing miseries of summer and winter.  ~Carol Bishop Hipps Delicious autumn!  My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns.  ~George Eliot

 
 
 
 
 
 

CHUCKLES & BELLY LAUGHS:

Dr Bill sent the next two to Bud: - - - - - - - - - - - Cross Examination  A Columbia lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness when he stopped and said, “Your honor, a juror is asleep.” The Judge ruled, “You put him to sleep; YOU wake him up.” Lawyers and computers Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months. **************************************************************************************** Responsibility  While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.  The old woman unfortunately left her glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around. The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant, telling his wife she needs to be more responsible about her belongings. When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses the old man said, "While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too." **************************************************************************************** GCF: Window Seats  At the airport check-in counter I overheard a woman ask for window seats for both she and her husband. The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them for sitting together. "Sweetie," the woman replied, "I've just spent 10 days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I 'KNOW' what I'm requesting!"

 
 

Conversion tables  Thanks to Dave Glossner. Your New Conversion Table, explained: for all you  engineers (and other  non-MIT geniuses) who have difficulty converting  units. 1.  Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi 2.  2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton 3.  1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope 4.  Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1  bananosecond 5.  Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram 6.  Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong 7.  16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling 8.  Half of a large intestine ! = 1 semicolon 9.  1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz 10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower 11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight  line 12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake 13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone 14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles 15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle 16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds 17. 52 cards = 1 decacards 18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton 19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen 20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche 21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin 22. 10 rations = 1 decoration 23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration 24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram 25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms 26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing  at Yale University  hospital = 1 IV League 27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

 
 

GCF: Priorities   This one from Bud Casselberry.  One for the good guys. Computer technician for a retailer is working on getting a new store up on the network. And that requires a call to the local cable provider ... Tech: This is about our store in Springfield. We need to have our cable relocated from the temporary location to the new store. Cable guy: I don't get it. Tech: Imagine a construction site. When we start, there's no building, just a trailer. That's where the cable was installed. Now the building is built. We want the cable inside the building. Cable guy: OK, but before the work is done, you will need to pay your delinquent bill. Tech: We never got a bill. Cable guy: That doesn't matter, you still have to pay it. Tech: OK. Maybe I didn't get a bill because you sent it to the wrong address. What address did you send it to? Cable guy: If you tell me the account number, I can tell you that. Tech: Where will I find the account number? Cable guy: On the bill. Tech: I don't have the bill. Cable guy: Well, you could go to our local office in Springfield and show them two pieces of ID and they will handle it. Tech: That's 100 miles away from my location. It would be easier just to cancel your service and DSL instead. Cable guy: OK, I will process the termination. Tech: So you will terminate service without knowing that I am who I say I am, but you won't help me pay the bill? Cable guy: Yes. Click.

 
 

This is pretty cute whether you're Lutran, Catolik or nun of dem! I was chuckling so hard I almost had an accident.  I've actually traveled on similar airlines...  not so funny then.  (Mike) Subject: Lutran Air      From Dodie to Bud to me and now you got it. ANNOUNCEMENT: VE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE LUTRAN AIR IS NOW OPERATING FROM DULUT AIRPORT.  YA SHURE, YA BETCHA!  DIS IS DA LATEST AIR SERVICE TO SPROUT UP IN MINNYSOTA.  ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORT AND SOUT DAKOTA. If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran, Air, da no-frills airline. You're all in da same boat on Lutran Air, where flyin is a upliftin experience.  Der is no first class on any Lutran Air flight. Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, hot dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft.  Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by free will-offering and da plane will not land 'til da budget is met. Pay attention now to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you wit da safety system aboard dis Lutran Air 599. "Okay den, listen up you guys.  I'm only gonna say dis vonce.  In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because we fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean da Second Coming or something of dat nature, and I vouldn't bodar with doze liddle masks on da rubber tubes.  You're gonna have bigger tings to vorry about den dat. Yust stuff doze back up in dair little holes. Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we're going to have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sort a like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it. In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it.  Start saying da Lord's Prayer and yust hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive doze who sin against us, which some people say "trespass against us," which isn't right, but vut can you do? Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may confuse da plane's navigation system, which is seat of da pants all da way.  No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He vould have put your mout on da side of your head. Ve start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style wit da coffee pot up front .  Den ve'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pocket in front of you.  Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am going to be real upset and I am not kiddin! Right now I'll say Grace: Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let deze gifts to us be blessed.  Fadar, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land in Dulut or pretty close.  Amen!

 
 

Bud found this one too. Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, "Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk," worth 70 points or none at all.One student who had also partied the night before, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote: 1.)  It is perfect formula for the child. 2.)  It provides immunity against several diseases. 3.)  It is always the right temperature. 4.)  It is inexpensive. 5.)  It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6.)  It is always available as needed. And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote: 7.) It comes in such cute containers. He got an A.

GROANERS:
 

The Bishop & the Bell Ringers   (Sounds like a singing group, huh?)  This one from Bud Casselberry.  He got it from Dr. Bill Hamm.  It is old and used but it still makes me groan everytime I read or hear it. (Mike) After Quasimodo's death, the bishop sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided to conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills (or lack thereof), he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, then told him he had the job. Dancing with joy, the armless man tripped and plunged from the belfry to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face sure rings a bell." The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop resumed interviews for post of bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the twin brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. As you can see, I'm more blessed than he in that I have two strong arms, the better to strike the bells. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, but as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?", the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

 
 

Subject: What A Car!   Dodie sent this one to Bud. A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, Pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign Their windows Are open and he yells at the guy in The Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?" The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.." "I got one too...  See?" the Texan says."Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." "You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan. "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too!  See?  It's right here!" brags the Texan. The light is just about to turn green and the guy in The Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?" The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO!  Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies. The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes Off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he Immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double Bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He Picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen Beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so He pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and He feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly Modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen. ====================== (It's ok...  The joke is CLEAN.) ====================== The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a Crack and peeks out. The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?" "Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls." "The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?

 
 

Cowboy     My sister, Pat Hughes, sent this one. A cowboy, who moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks in to a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.  He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.  When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.  It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.  One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.  So I' m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way ordering three mugs and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender offers: "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.  "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my brothers though."

 

 

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