TRIVIA:
QUOTES:
CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS

TRIVIA: WEATHER STUFF
 

WEATHER RECORDS Greatest rainfall in a day: 73.62 inches (RØunion, Indian Ocean; March 15, 1952) Greatest rainfall in a year: 1,041 inches (Assam, India; August 1880-1881) World's one minute rainfall record:   July 4, 1956, 1.23 inches of rain fell in Unionville, MD. Greatest snowfall in a day: 75.8 inches (Silver Lake, Colorado; April 14-15, 1921) Greatest snowfall in a single storm: 189 inches (Mt. Shasta, California; February 13-19, 1959) Saratoga Springs, NY greatest snowfall: 58 inches (March 11-14, 1888) Largest hailstone: 17.5 inches (Coffeyville, Kansas; September 3, 1979) , wieght 1.67 pounds Fastest surface wind speed: 231 miles per hour (Mount Washington, New Hampshire; April 12, 1934) Fastest tornado winds: 286 miles per hour (Wichita Falls, Texas; April 2, 1958) Highest world temperature: 136° F / 58° C, Al Aziziyah, Libya, 13 September, 1922 Highest USA temperature: 134° F / 56.7° C, Death Valley, California, 10 July, 1913 (neither 140° F / 60° C at Delta Mexico 8/1933 or 136.4° F / 58° C at San Luis, Mexico, 8/11/1933 are internationally accepted) Lowest world temperature: -128.6°F / -89.6°C, Vostok Station, Antarctica, 21 July 1983--without windchill. Lowest world temperature in inhabited area: -90.4° F / -68° C, Oymyakon, Siberia (pop. 4,000), 6 February, 1933 and also at Verkhoyansk, Siberia, 3 January, 1885. Lowest USA temperature: -79.8° F / -62.1° C, Prospect Creek, Alaska, January 23, 1971. Lowest USA (48 contiguous states) temperature: -69.7° F / -56.5° C, Rogers Pass, Montana, 20 January, 1954. Lowest Northern Hemisphere Temperature: -81°F /-62.78°C; Snag, Yukon Territory(Canada); February 2, 1947. Fastest tornado winds: 286 miles per hour (Wichita Falls, Texas; April 2, 1958). Longest tornado path:  293 miles on the ground, 1917,  traveled from Missouri to Indiana.

FUN WEATHER FACTS The amount of sunlight reaching the earth's surface is 6,000 times the amount of energy used by all human beings worldwide. The total amount of fossil fuel used by humans since the start of civilization is equivalent to less than 30 days of sunshine. The summer of 1995 was so hot that at the end of August, methane emitted within big bales of freshly-cut hay in Missouri began spontaneously combusting. Only two states have record highs no greater than 100 degrees. These are Alaska and Hawaii. Tree crickets are called the poor man's thermometer because temperature directly affects their rate of activity. Count the number of chirps a cricket makes in 15 seconds, then add 37. The sum will be very close to the outside temperature! How far away is lightning? During a storm, count the number of seconds between the flash of lightning and the sound of thunder, then divide by two. The answer reveals how many miles away the lightning is. What causes a red sun? The red or orange color of the rising or setting sun is caused by the increased distance through our atmosphere its rays must pass before reaching our eyes. Our thick impurity-laden lower atmosphere only allows the red tones to pass through it. As the sun rises higher in the sky, its light passes through a shorter distance of thick atmosphere. It loses its redder tone and takes on its characteristic yellow color. How fast do raindrops fall? Not including wind-driven rain, raindrops fall between 7 and 18 miles per hour (3 and 8 meters per second) in still air. The range in speed depends on the the size of the raindrop. Air friction breaks up raindrops when they exceed 18 miles per hour. Can lightning strike twice in the same place? Yes! The old adage of lightning never striking twice in the same place is totally false. Lightning is not limited to a one-bolt action. Many lightning flashes are of a multiple variety and may strike repeatedly in a few seconds. Up to 22 consecutive lightning strokes have been observed in a multiple flash.

QUOTES:
 

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance or a stranger. --Franklin P. Jones Life is a series of problems. Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one or you're getting ready to go into another one. --Unknown When we accept tough jobs as a challenge to our ability and wade into them with joy and enthusiasm, miracles can happen. --Arland Gilbert The men the American public admire most extravagantly are the most daring liars. The men they detest most violently are those who try to tell them the truth. --H.L. Mencken There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up. --John Andrew Holmes You are not happy because you are well. You are well because you are happy. You are not depressed because trouble has come to you, but trouble has come to you because you are depressed. You can change your thoughts and feelings and then the outer things will come to correspond. And indeed, there is no other way of working. --Emmet Fox "Strength does not come from winning.  Your struggles develop your strengths.  When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, THAT is strength." --Arnold Schwarzenegger There is never time to do it right, but there is always time to do it over. --Carl W. Buechner I may forget what someone may say or do, but I do not forget how they made me feel. --Unknown Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals. --Samuel Ullman

CHUCKLES & BELLY LAUGHS:

More Funniest Lines from stand up comics --Thanks to Dawn Brown Women don't want to hear what you think.  Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.  - Bill Cosby  Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, "You're only interested in one thing," and you can't remember what it is. - Milton Berle

 
 

SKINNY DIPPIN'   This one from Al Dormuth. An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice -- picnic tables, Horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over, a s he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."  Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

 
 

Help Line   It's clear why these people needed to call a "help" line.  This set from  C. Wayne Wert.  This is a new set of dim-wits for me. Customer: "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?" Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?" Customer: "It's on the door of your business." Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we are open." ------ Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?" Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about." Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?" Operator: "I think it means the telephone plug on the wall." ------ Caller (inquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe) "If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?" ------ Directory Inquiries Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please" Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?" Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off." ------ Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?" Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland." ------ On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on." ------ Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "OK." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." ------ Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?" ------ Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?"

 
 

Retirement in Alaska  Tom Livingston sent this one. Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. "Name' s Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00." "Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'." "Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em". Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too." "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again." "More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"  "Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" "Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

 
 

Dr Bill Hamm sent these two to Bud Casselberry.   Bud thought KCnetters would enjoy the humor too. While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for some time, she shook her head and said,  "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff." Violin Practice Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to, in rhythm, howl loudly. The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could.   Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"

GROANERS:
 

A Jets Fan    Dr Bill Hamm sent this one. A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Jets jersey helmet and is holding Jets pom poms. The bartender says,"Hey!  No pets allowed in here! You'll have to leave!" The man begs, "Look I'm desperate. We're both big fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only place we can see the game!" After securing a promise that the dog will behave and warning him that if there is any trouble they will be thrown out, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game. The game begins with the Jets receiving a kickoff.  They march down field stop at the 30,and kick a field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving everyone a high-five. The bartender says,"Wow that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?" "I don't know," replies the owner,  "I've only had him for a couple of years."

 
 

Young and Foolish  Bud had this one on his Joke Page. A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.  This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?" The controller switched the field lights off and replied,  "Guess where!"

 
 

A New Kind of Car    A Real Groaner Here   Bud sent this one too. Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?"one asked. "He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his co-worker replied. "How was he going to do it?" "He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from Caddy and, well, you get the idea." "So what did he end up with?" "Ten years to life."

 
 

Subject: And they say men don't listen!!   This one from Herb Budinger. Mark, a loving husband, was in trouble.  He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him.  She told him, "tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE." The next morning, Mark got up really early before work.  When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out The window, and sure enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway.  Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house.  She was certain it must be a set of keys for that new car! She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale. Mark is not yet well enough to have visitors !!!!!!!!

                         ... finally this one from Irishrose, Rosemary Bednarczyk.  This is a good one.

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, " Who the heck was that ?  " " Oh," replies the husband, " she's my mistress." " Well, that's the last straw," says the wife.  "I've had enough, I want a divorce." " I can understand that," replies her husband, " but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club.  But the decision is yours !!  " Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. " Who's that woman with Jim ?  " asks the wife. " That's his mistress," says her husband. " Ours is prettier !!!!  " she replies.

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