TRIVIA:
QUOTES:
CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS
 
 
 

TRIVIA: PENNSYLVANIA ON THE EVE OF COLONIZATION -- Part Two European Background and Early Settlements The rise of nation-states in Europe coincided with the age of discovery and brought a desire for territorial gains beyond the seas, first by Spain and Portugal and later by England, France, the Netherlands, and Sweden. Wars in southern Germany caused many Germans to migrate eventually to Pennsylvania. The struggle in England between the Crown and Parliament also had a pronounced effect on migration to America. The Reformation led to religious ferment and division, and minorities of various faiths sought refuge in America. Such an impulse brought Quakers, Puritans, and Catholics from England, German Pietists from the Rhineland, Scotch Calvinists via Ireland, and Huguenots from France. Also, great economic changes took place in Europe in the 17th century. The old manorial system was breaking down, creating a large class of landless men ready to seek new homes. An increase in commerce and trade led to an accumulation of capital available for colonial ventures. The Swedish and Dutch colonies were financed in this way, and William Penn's colony was also a business enterprise. Exploration The English based their claims in North America on the discoveries of the Cabots (1497), while the French pointed to the voyage of Verrazano in 1524. The Spanish claim was founded on Columbus' discovery of the West Indies, but there is evidence that Spanish ships sailed up the coast of North America as early as 1520. It is uncertain, however, that any of these explorers touched land that became Pennsylvania. Captain John Smith journeyed from Virginia up the Susquehanna River in 1608, visiting the Susquehannock Indians. In 1609 Henry Hudson, an Englishman in the Dutch service, sailed the Half Moon into Delaware Bay, thus giving the Dutch a claim to the area. In 1610 Captain Samuel Argall of Virginia visited the bay and named it for Lord de la Warr, governor of Virginia. After Hudson's time, the Dutch navigators Cornelis Hendricksenm (1616) and Cornelis Jacobsen (1623) explored the Delaware region more thoroughly, and trading posts were established in 1623 and in later years, though not on Pennsylvania soil until 1647. The Colony of New Sweden, 1638-1655 The Swedes were the first to make permanent settlement, beginning with the expedition of 1637-1638, which occupied the site of Wilmington, Delaware. In 1643 Governor Johan Printz of New Sweden established his capital at Tinicum Island within the present limits of Pennsylvania, where there is now a state park bearing his name. Dutch Dominion on the Delaware, 1655-1664, and the Duke of York's Rule, 1664-1681 Trouble broke out between the Swedes and the Dutch, who had trading posts in the region. In 1655 Governor Peter Stuyvesant of New Netherlands seized New Sweden and made it part of the Dutch colony. In 1664 the English seized the Dutch possessions in the name of the Duke of York, the king's brother. Except when it was recaptured by the Dutch in 1673-1674, the Delaware region remained under his jurisdiction until 1681. English laws and civil government were introduced by The Duke of Yorke's Laws in 1676.

 
 

QUOTES: "There is a myth that time is money.  In fact, time is more precious than money.  It's a  nonrenewable resource.  Once you've spent it, and you've spent it badly, it's gone forever."  --Neil Fiore "Those people blessed with the most talent don't necessarily outperform everyone else.  It's the people with follow-through who excel." --Mary Kay Ash, Founder of Mary Kay Cosmetics  When everything seems to be going against you, remember the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it. --Henry Ford There is never time to do it right, but there is always time to do it over. --Carl W. Buechner Do your own thinking independently. Be the chess player, not the chess piece. --Ralph Charell   FOOTBALL QUOTES- (NOT THE USUAL LOMBARDIES) Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I assure you,  it's much more serious than that.  --Bill Shankly  We can't run. We can't pass. We can't stop the run. We can't stop the pass.  We can't kick. Other than that, we're just not a very good football team right now. --Bruce Coslet, on the Bengals' 1997 season Baseball is what we were, football is what we have become. --Mary McGrory Confidence is a very fragile thing. --Joe Montana  Like many athletes, I played in college for the chance to play in the pros. In the  years since I retired, I’ve come to realize that the education I got in college was  for life. I will have it forever and for that I am incredibly grateful. --Pat Toomay Football incorporates the two worst elements of American society: violence punctuated  by committee meetings. --George Will I got into a few games after they were hopelessly won or hopelessly lost, you know,  when they put the substitutes in, and finally the water boy, and then me. That is the way it worked. --Richard M. Nixon One man practicing sportsmanship is far better than fifty preaching it. --Knute Rockne Football features two of the worst aspects of American life, violence and  committee meetings. --George Will Baseball is the only game left for people. To play basketball, you have to be  7 feet 6 inches. To play football, you have to be the same width. --Bill Veeck Football is, after all, a wonderful way to get rid of your aggressions without  going to jail for it. --Heywood Hale Brown If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. --Erma Bombeck Football is, after all, a wonderful way to get rid of your aggressions without going  to jail for it. --Heywood Hale Brown If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. --Erma Bombeck

 
 
 
 

CHUCKLES & BELLY LAUGHS:

 

A half-drunk guy, who smelled of body odor and booze, sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.  He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, his glance turned toward the priest and he asked,  "Can you tell me Father, what causes the pain and suffering of arthritis?" The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by general loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and," he sniffed tightly, "lack of a bath." Stung by this reply, the drunk slumped in his seat, muttering,  "Well, I'll be darned," then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.  "I'm very sorry I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father.  I was just reading here that the Pope has it."

 
 
 

More of The Bible According to Kids   Dr Bill Hamm sent this one to Bud Casselberry. The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.) - Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. - When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. - Then the three Wise Guys from the east arrived and found Jesus in the manager. - Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption. - St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head. - Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do one to others before they do one to you. - He also explained that "Man does not live by sweat alone". - It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. - The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibels. - The epistles were the wives of the apostles. - One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan. - St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached the holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. - A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

 
 

This set of oldies but still cuties made me laugh again.  Thanks to Joe Marasco this time. 1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.  She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"  2) OPINIONS  On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents. "  3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.  During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She'hitting the   bottle.  4) MORE NUDITY  A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"  5) POLICE # 1  While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was  interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"  "Yes, that's right," I told her.  "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "Would you please tie my shoe?"  6) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking,  and I saw a little boy staring in at me.  "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said,  "What'd he do?"  7) ELDERLY  While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"  8) DRESS-UP  A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her Dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. "  9) DEATH  While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.  Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.  Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of  the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers And with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes!" (I want this line used at my funeral!)  10) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"  11) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."

 
 

Some funniest lines from Stand-up Comics...These were featured in Dawn Brown's "Weekly Wit and Wisdom." Have you ever noticed that anybody going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?  --George Carlin I'm on that diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine.  That's a good diet.  I lost ten pounds and my driver's license.  --Larry the Cable Guy  I will clean my own house when Sears makes a vacuum you can ride on.  -- Roseanne Barr You know, marriage is making a big comeback.  I know personally that in Hollywood people are marrying people they never married before.  -- Bob Hope

GROANERS:
 

Harold Pepperman sent this one to Bud. A man who just died is delivered to a Kentucky mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.  Bubba the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.  He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.  The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.  She gives Bubba a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."  The woman returns the next day for the viewing.  To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.  She says to Bubba, "Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied.  You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful.  How much did you spend?"  To her astonishment, Bubba presents her with the blank check.  "Dere's no charge," he says.  "No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.  "Honestly, ma'am," Bubba says, "it didn't cost me a thing.  You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.  I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice." "So, I just switched the heads."

 
 

Herb Budinger sent these gems.  He called it "The South." Tennessee A policeman spots a Vols coed driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!" "No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!" Alabama ! A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the eight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the unsuccessful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!" Louisiana A senior at LSU was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world. Mississippi The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?" The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got his license number." Georgia A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75. The trooper asked, "Got any I. D. ?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?" North Carolina A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tar." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back.  Hey, it don't make sense to me neither." And finally one this from South Carolina "You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone retiring to the North!

 
 

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait !!!!  Gary Clark sent this one. An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond e opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a Burritos, and jumped, too The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.  She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch"

 
 

Blonde House Builder  Gary Clark sent this one too and it really groans. Two blondes in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard.  One of them walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" She said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. then returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four." "All right. How long do you need them?" She paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After a while, the blonde returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

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