TRIVIA:
QUOTES:
CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS

TRIVIA: Information from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.
August is the eighth month of the year in the Gregorian Calendar and one of seven Gregorian months with the length of 31 days. August begins (astrologically) with the sun in the sign of Leo and ends in the sign of Virgo. Astronomically speaking, the sun begins in the constellation of Cancer and ends in the constellation of Leo.
This month was originally named Sextilis in Latin, because it was the sixth month in the ancient Roman calendar, which started in March about 750 BC under Romulus. It became the eighth month either when January and February were added to the beginning of the year by King Numa Pompilius about 700 BC or when those two months were moved from the end to the beginning of the year by the decemvirs about 450 BC (Roman writers disagree). It was renamed in honor of Augustus in 8 BC because several of the most significant events in his rise to power, culminating in the fall of Alexandria, which fell in this month. August originally had 29 days in the Roman Republican calendar, but two days were added to it by Julius Caesar beginning 45 BC giving it its modern total of 31 days. Augustus did not take a day from February when Sextilis was renamed in his honor. See Month lengths. August's flower is the gladiolus or poppy, and its birthstone is the peridot, sardonyx, or sapphire.

Other names
In Irish, August is known as Lúnasa, a modern rendition of Lughnasadh, from the god Lugh.The first Monday in August is a holiday in the Republic of Ireland.
In Finnish, the month is called elokuu, meaning "month of reaping".

Events in August
In the pagan wheel of the year August begins at or near Lughnasadh in the northern hemisphere and Imbolc in the southern hemisphere.
Some of Ireland's most famous battles have been fought in this month. They include: the Second Battle of Athenry (1316); the battle of Knockdoe (1504); the Battle of the Yellow Ford (1596); the First Battle of Curlew Pass (1599); the Battle of Dungans Hill (1647); the Battle of Castlebar (1798), and the Battle of the Bogside (1969).
August 6, 1806 Emperor Francis II of the Holy Roman Empire lays down the Roman Imperial Crown and renounces all claims on this throne.
August 6 National Salvadoran-American Day in the United States.
In 1945 the end of the Second World War was brought about following the August 6 bombing of Hiroshima and August 9 bombing of Nagasaki in the first and only use of nuclear weapons against people. Emperor Hirohito declared Japan's unconditional surrender on August 15.
August 3rd-5th, 2007 The Discworld Jamboree Wincanton Somerset The first event of its kind
August 9, 1965 Singapore separated from the Federation of Malaysia and became independent.
August 10, 1822 Ecuador became an independent country.
August 14, 1947 Pakistan became independent (included East Bengal region as a whole).
August 15, Catholic, Feast of the Assumption
August 15, 1945 Korea became an independent country.
August 15, 1947 India became an independent country.
August 19, 1945 Vietnam's August Revolution succeeded.
August 21, 1983 Philippine senator Benigno Aquino, Jr., was assassinated as he was descending the tarmac of the Manila International Airport (now renamed Ninoy Aquino International Airport). His death is regarded as the catalyst of the EDSA Revolution of 1986
August 25, 1825 Uruguay became independent from Brazil.
August 31, 1957 Malaysia became an independent country.

Month long events in August
National Immunization Awareness Month
National Psoriasis Awareness Month
Women's Small Business Month
In many European countries, August is the holiday month for most workers.
The Philippines celebrates August as the Buwan ng Wika ("Language Month").
In the UK, August is generally when academic exam results are published, including GCSEs and A-Levels as well as other exams. Also, scholars and school workers, such as teachers, have a holiday or non-contact time. There is a bank holiday in August as well (UK).

QUOTES:
"Ask yourself the easy questions and you'll have a hard life, ask yourself the hard questions and you'll have an easier life!"
--Peter Thomson, Author, personal growth strategist

 "Success is not forever and failure isn't fatal."
--Don Shula winningest" NFL winningest coach of the Miami Dolphins

Learning is not compulsory...neither is survival.
--W. Edwards Deming

Individual commitment to a group effort--that is what makes a team work, a company work, a society work, a civilization work.
--Vince Lombardi

Yesterday's the past, tomorrow's the future, but today is a gift. That's why it's called the present.
--Bil Keane

In times like these it helps to recall that there have always been times like these.
--Paul Harvey

Outstanding leaders go out of their way to boost the self-esteem of their personnel. If people believe in themselves, it's amazing what they can accomplish.
--Sam Walton

There's a time each year
That we always hold dear,
Good old summer time;
With the birds and the trees'es
And sweet scented breezes,
Good old summer time,
When you day's work is over
Then you are in clover,
And life is one beautiful rhyme,
No trouble annoying,
Each one is enjoying,
The good old summer time.
-- Lyrics by Ron Shields   In the Good Old Summertime

August rushes by like desert rainfall,
A flood of frenzied upheaval,
Expected,
But still catching me unprepared.
Like a matchflame
Bursting on the scene,
Heat and haze of crimson sunsets.
Like a dream
Of moon and dark barely recalled,
A moment,
Shadows caught in a blink.
Like a quick kiss;
One wishes for more
But it suddenly turns to leave,
Dragging summer away.
-- Elizabeth Maua Taylor

 
 

CHUCKLES & BELLY LAUGHS:

Dawn Brown sent these from Reader's Digest, Humor in Uniform section. Imagine my surprise when I went to Tipler Army Medical Center for a heart bypass operation and discovered my surgeon's name was Dr. Error. "What a name for a doctor," I said, not sure whether to laugh or cry.  "Yeah," he agreed.  "You can imagine the reaction I got when I was a major." Submitted by Gary Meyers  ********************************************************* "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news," said our platoon sergeant during our morning lineup.  "First, the good news.  Private Tomkins will be setting the pace on our run."  The platoon began to hoot and holler, since the overweight Tomkins was the slowest guy in the group. "Now the bad news.  Private Tomkins will be driving a truck." Submitted by Rick Stover

 
 
 

Bud sent this one. Don't Think So Much Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher.  A few years ago, there was a Mensa Convention in San Francisco and several members lunched at a local cafe. While dining, they discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt.  How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling and using only the implements at hand?  Clearly, this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw and an empty saucer.  They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution. "Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..." "Oh," the waitress interrupted.  "Sorry about that." So she unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

 
 
 

Family Vacation     You have had to play the "Oregon Trail" Game with a kid to get this one.  Just For Grins for this one. On a family vacation one summer, we crossed Wyoming and noted several historical points of interest. The children were especially interested, because they enjoyed the computer game "Oregon Trail," which gives players a taste of the hardships the pioneers endured. We stopped at the famous South Pass to look at the wagon tracks still visible in the dirt. Squinting out over the desolate, wind-swept landscape, my daughter nodded and said grimly, "This is where my oxen always die."

 
 
 

What Time Is It?     This one for my Renovo friend Don Miller. On some air bases, the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.  One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference.  If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.  If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.  If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.  If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.  If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to 'Happy Hour.'"

 
 
 

I have no clue who was responsible for this one. This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "6." The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

GROANERS:
 

Some Shock and Ahh in this one.  It doesn't fit into any catagory.  From Tom Livingston. In 1986, Mike Hogan was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Notre Dame University.  On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.  The elephant seemed distressed, so Mike approached it very carefully.  He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mike worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.  Mike stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.  Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mike never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Mike was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.  As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mike and his son Owen were standing.  The large bull elephant stared at Mike, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.  The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mike couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mike summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.  He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mike's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.

 
 
 

This groaner from Herb Budinger. A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.  However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.  When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.  I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh." (and you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.) Well, I figure I have nothing Toulouse.

 
 
 

SEVEN DEGREES OF CAJUN   This set from my sister Pat.  She made it into two successive Newsletters.  Some of these really groan. FIRST DEGREE Boudreaux and his wife were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. Boudreaux picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The wife said, "Who was that?" Boudreaux answered, "I don't know, some man wanting to know if the coast is clear." SECOND DEGREE Two Cajuns are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. He opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second Cajun says, "Here, let me see!" So the first Cajun hands him the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" THIRD DEGREE Boudreaux suspects his wife of cheating on him, so he goes out and buys a gun. He goes to his house unexpectedly and when he opens the door he finds her in the arms of a redhead. Well, Boudreaux is really angry. He pulls out the gun, and as he does so, he is overcome with grief. He takes the gun and puts it to his head. His wife yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" Boudreaux replies, "Shut up, you're next!" FOURTH DEGREE Boudreaux was bragging about his knowledge of state capitals. He proudly says, "Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" Boudreaux replies, "Oh, that's easy: W." FIFTH DEGREE What did the Cajun girl ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?" SIXTH DEGREE Boudreaux, a Cajun in his fourth year as a LSU Freshman, sat in his US government class. The professor asked Boudreaux if he knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Boudreaux pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware" SEVENTH DEGREE Returning home from work, Boudreaux was shocked to find his house ransacked and burglarized. He telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, Boudreaux ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting his face in his hands, Boudreaux moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman."

 
 
 

Reluctantly I post these whatevers sent by David Glossner. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. To write with a broken pencil is pointless. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking. We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground. The dead batteries were given out free of charge. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired. A will is a dead giveaway. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. A backward poet writes inverse. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key. A calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine. A boiled egg is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. A plateau is a high form of flattery. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

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