KCNET NEWSLETTER
 FUN PAGE
 07/15/07  &  07/22/07

TRIVIA:
QUOTES:
CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS


TRIVIA: Travel Trivia
Did you know… The average cruise ship burns approximately 1 gallon of fuel to move just 6 inches?

The wingspan of Boeing’s 747 is longer than the Wright brothers’ first flight?

Alaska has more coastline than the entire continental United States combined?  That’s over 47,300 miles of places to get your feet wet!

By eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class, American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987?

Carnival Cruise Lines puts more than 10 million chocolate mints on their guests’ pillows every year?

Royal Caribbean’s 142,000 ton behemoth, “Voyager of the Seas,” is the first ship ever to have its own zip code (33132-2028).  Hosting up to 3,114 passengers, it’s approximately 42,000 tons larger than the U.S.  Navy’s largest aircraft carrier, and features a 15,000 square foot fitness center, 9-hole golf course, 200-foot rock-climbing wall, two-story library containing over 3,000 books, and a regulation-size ice skating rink!
 
 

 
QUOTES:
Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.
~Russel Baker

A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the
lawn mower is broken.
~James Dent

Summer set lip to earth's bosom bare,
And left the flushed print in a poppy there.
~Francis Thompson

In winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle-light.
In summer quite the other way
I have to go to bed by day.
~Robert Louis Stevenson

In June, as many as a dozen species may burst their buds on a single day.  No man can heed all of these anniversaries; no man can ignore all of them.
~Aldo Leopold

I question not if thrushes sing,
If roses load the air;
Beyond my heart I need not reach
When all is summer there.
~John Vance Cheney

Oh, the summer night
Has a smile of light
And she sits on a sapphire throne.
~Barry Cornwall

In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.
~Albert Camus

There shall be eternal summer in the grateful heart.
~Celia Thaxter

The summer night is like a perfection of thought.
~Wallace Stevens

In summer, the song sings itself.
~William Carlos Williams

Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.
~Sam Keen

Summer has set in with its usual severity.
~Samuel Taylor Coleridge

A life without love is like a year without summer.
~Swedish Proverb

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation.  If you call your mother at work
thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
~Erma Bombeck

The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
~Author unknown, commonly misattributed to Mark Twain

Do what we can, summer will have its flies.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Heat, ma'am! it was so dreadful here, that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my
flesh and sit in my bones.
~Sydney Smith, Lady Holland's Memoir

Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass on a summer day listening to the murmur of
water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is hardly a waste of time.
~John Lubbock

Summer afternoon - summer afternoon; to me those have always been the two most beautiful words
in the English language.
~Henry James

Love is to the heart what the summer is to the farmer's year - it brings to harvest all the loveliest
flowers of the soul.
~Author Unknown

Then followed that beautiful season... Summer....
Filled was the air with a dreamy and magical light; and the landscape
Lay as if new created in all the freshness of childhood.
~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Summer is the time when one sheds one's tensions with one's clothes, and the right kind of day is jeweled balm for the battered spirit.  A few of those days and you can become drunk with the belief that all's right with the world.
~Ada Louise Huxtable

CHUCKLES & BELLY LAUGHS:
Gone Fishing   From Just For Grins.

A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else. Whereas the other guys would only catch three or four a day, Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer after stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout.

The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe. So, the next morning, the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat and the warden sat back to see how it was done.

Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.

Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam. "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"

Meanwhile, Sam set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words, "Are you going to sit there all day complaining or are you going to fish"? 


 
 
 
Irishrose, Rosemary Bednarczyk found this announcement from Apple Computers.
Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost between $499 and $599. This is considered to be a major breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Thanks to Apple, everyone is now happy.

 
 
 
This one from Edy Clark. 

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame.  Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams.  If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'"
~ Jack Handy 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink.  When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
~Frank Sinatra 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.  Coincidence?  I think not."
~ Stephen Wright 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk.  When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.  When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.  So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.  Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.  Salvation in a can!"
~Dave Howell 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this.  A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.  And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.  In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.  But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.  In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.  That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.' 


 
 
 
Subject: Competitive Bids:     Another good one from Irishrose. 
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.
One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida.  They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some Measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.  "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900:  $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, looking surprised says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys!  How did you come up with such a high figure?" The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official. 


 
 
 
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION:   Bud Casselberry sent this one

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?   Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.    Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good !

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING !!! ...Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!!    It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey!   'Round' is a shape! 

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:  "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways -Cabernet Savignon in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "What a ride!!"


 
 
 
Wise Old Indian     My brother Hank sent this one and suggested that the wise one was obviously 
a family ancestor.

A few years ago someone browsing through the 40th Anniversary Issue of Reader's Digest (dated Feb. 1962) came across this reprint from the Washington News and found it quite interesting in light of our current debates.

The quote reads:
Vice President Lyndon Johnson received the following message from a Native American Indian Chief on a reservation: "Be careful with your immigration laws.  We were careless with ours. "
Native American Observation

Recently an old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a Ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U. S.  Government officials sent by the President to interview him.  "Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years.  You've seen his wars and his technological advances  You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."  The Chief nodded in agreement.  The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it.  No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."  Then the chief leaned back and smiled.  "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

GROANERS:
 
This blonde gem from Tom Livingston.
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.  He sat down next to a blonde At the bar and stared up at the TV.  The 10:00 PM news was coming on.  The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?' 

Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.' 

The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.' 

Bob placed a $20 bill on the Bar and said, 'You're on!' 

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a Swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair.  Here's your money.' 

Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news And so I knew he would jump' 

The blonde replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.' Bob took the money......


 
 
 
Gary Clark sent this groaner.
A blind man wanders into an all-girls biker bar by mistake.  He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.  After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.  In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know four things":

1.  The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2.  The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3.  I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb.  blonde woman with a black belt weightlifter.
4.  The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister.  Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No...  Not if I'm gonna have to explain it four times."


 
 
Lamaze Class  From Just For Grins.  Not sure it is a groaner but I put it here anyway.

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it"? the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me." 


 
 
 
Blonde in the Everglades
A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation.

She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.  As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.  With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.  The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.  The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration, "*&%$!  THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"
 

SEND EMAIL PLEASE

HOME PAGE
KCNET NEWSLETTER
COMMENTARY AND CLASS SCHEDULE PAGE
MIKE'S COMMENTARY, COMPUTER CLASSES AND COURSES, 
ADVANCED USER GROUP NOTES, SUE'S NEWS & NOTES
TECHNICAL PAGE
TECHNICALLY SPEAKING, VIRUS AND OTHER STINKY STUFF,
INTERESTING SITES
KCNET SENIORCENTER.NET HOME PAGE
NEWSLETTER ARCHIVES 2006, 2005, & 2004
KCNET NEWSLETTER MEMBER PAGES