TRIVIA:
QUOTES:
CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS

TRIVIA:
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".  (Are you doubting this?)

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Headin' North

QUOTES:
Envy is the art of counting the other fellow's blessings instead of your own.
--Harold Coffin

Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart, give yourself to it.
--Unknown

Enjoyment is not a goal, it is a feeling that accompanies important ongoing activity.
--Paul Goodman

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions.
--Joey Adams

The best portion of a good man's life is the little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.
--William Wordsworth

The mere act of believing that some wrongful course of action constitutes an advantage is pernicious.
--Marcus Tullius Cicero

Judgment comes from experience and great judgment comes from bad experience.
--Robert Packwood

The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate.
--Doug Larson

In three words, I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
--Unknown

The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated.
--William James

Youth is a gift of nature. Age is a work of art.
--Unknown

CHUCKLES & BELLY LAUGHS:

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE 1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays. 2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas. 3. I take my wife everywhere...but she keeps finding her way back. 4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.  "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen. 5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!"... So I bought her an electric chair. 7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake." 8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. 9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?"  ... The driver said "No, jump in!" 10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. 11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. 12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. 13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

 
 

IT MAY TAKE A WHILE FOR THE BULB TO LIGHT,  BUT THESE ARE  RATHER CLEVER!   ARBITRATOR:   A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.   AVOIDABLE:   What a bullfighter tried to do.   BERNADETTE:   The act of torching a mortgage.   BURGLARIZE:   What a crook sees with.   CONTROL:   A short, ugly inmate.   COUNTERFEITERS:   Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.   ECLIPSE:   What a barber does for a living.   EYEDROPPER:   A clumsy ophthalmologist.   HEROES:   What a guy in a boat does.   LEFTBANK:   What the robber did when his bag was full of money.   MISTY:   How golfers create divots.   PARADOX:   Two physicians.   PARASITES:   What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.   PHARMACIST:   A helper on the farm.   POLARIZE:   What penguins see with.   PRIMATE:   Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.   RELIEF:   What trees do in the Spring.   RUBBERNECK:   What you do to relax your wife.   SELFISH:   What the owner of a seafood store does.   SUDAFED:   A litigation brought against a government official.

 
 

A few "oldies but goodies" from The original Hollywood Squares TV Show.  Peter Marshall was the host, in the days when the responses were spontaneous and clever.  Thanks to Dawn Brown. Q:  Do female frogs croak? A:  Paul Lynde:  If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q:  You've been having trouble going to sleep.  Are you probably a man or a woman? A:  Don Knotts:  That's what's been keeping me awake. Q:  Back in the days when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A:  George Gobel:  Get it in his mouth. Q:  Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions.  What are they? A:  Charly Weaver:  His feet. Q:  In bowling, what's a perfect score? A:  Rose Marie:  Ralph, the pin boy. Q:  Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries.  Are you going to get any during the first year? A:  Charly Weaver:  Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries. Q:  When you pat a dog on the head he will wag his tail.  What will a goose do? A:  Paul Lynde:  Make him bark?

 
 

Bud Casselberry forwarded these to me.  I'm sharing them with you.  Sorry about the all caps -- I'm too lazy to retype them. LIFE AFTER DEATH : "DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES. "YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED. "WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU! PALM SUNDAY: IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY." "WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!" CHILDREN'S SERMON: ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!! " SUPPORT A FAMILY: THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?" THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES." FIRST TIME USHERS! : A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES. WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE." PRAYERS: THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?"  "NO SIR," HE REPLIED, "WE DON'T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!" CLIMB THE WALLS: "OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US." THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED. "I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT," THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED. THE MOOD RING: MY HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A MOOD RING THE OTHER DAY. WHEN I'M IN A GOOD MOOD IT TURNS GREEN. WHEN I'M IN A BAD MOOD, IT LEAVES A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD. . THE WATER PISTOL: WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL.. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK. I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?" MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "I REMEMBER!!" Little Davie #1 A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!" Little Davie #2 Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?" GRANDMA'S AGE: LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA! HOW OLD SHE WAS. GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING." JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"

 
 

Doctor Visit  From Just For Grins. You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you again"? "I am 78," the man said. "78!" remarked the doctor. "How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60-year-old." "Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad, she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside for a walk to settle down," the man explained. "What does that have to do with it"? asked the doctor. "I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."

 
 

The following two quips from Dr. Bill Hamm. The way you say it It's not what you say, but the way you say it. On a blind date, the boy said to the girl: "Time stands still when I look into your eyes." The girl was very flattered. What the boy had really meant was, "You have a face that would stop a clock." Cow on the track! A passenger train is creeping along, painfully slowly. Finally, it creaks to a complete halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window. "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walking by again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

You know the question whether a tree makes a sound in an empty woods when it falls……
If a man is alone in the woods without his wife and speaks…..Is He still Wrong?
Thanks to Tim Yoho for this arguable puzzler.

GROANERS:
 

Gary Clark sent this one to me. A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special. Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right." Passenger. "Wow, some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just happened to marry his widow."

 
 

Mrs. Goodnest    This is a repeat but a good one. A mom was concerned about her Kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence, but yet know that he was safe. So, she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed. The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally, he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her"? Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is." The friend said, "Well, who is she"? "That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy replied. "And her daughter Marcy." "Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us"? "Well," Timmy explained. "Every night, my mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, because she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,' so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!"

 
 

These are from Bud Casselberry Why did the Romans build straight roads? So their soldiers didn't go around the bend! When a knight in armour was killed in battle, what sign did they put on his grave? Rust in peace! What famous chiropodist ruled England? William the Corn-cutter! What English King invented the fireplace? Alfred the grate! What's yellow, has wheels and lies on its back? A dead school bus!

 
 

Acts 2:38     From Just For Grins. An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" "Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven." The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he was curious and asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture"? replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38s!"

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