TRIVIA:
IRISH BLESSINGS, SAYINGS AND TOASTS
IRISH QUOTES:
CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS
 

TRIVIA:
About 4000 years ago, it was the accepted practice in Babylonian that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know to day as the "Honey moon"

Before invention of the thermometer, brewers used to check the temperature by dipping their thumb, to find whether appropriate for adding Yeast. Too hot, the yeast would die. This is where we get the phrase " The Rule of the Thumb"

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender used to yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. From where we get "mind your own P's and Q's".

After consuming a vibrant brew called Aul or Ale, the Vikings would go fearlessly to the battlefield, without their armor, or even their shirts. The "Berserk" means "bear shirt" in norse, and eventually to the meaning of wild battles.

Way down in 1740, the Admiral Veron of the British fleet decided to water down the navy's rum, which naturally, the sailors weren't pleased with. They nicknamed the Admiral Old Grog, after the still stiff program coats he used to wear. The term grog soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you are drunk on this this grog, you are "groggy", a word still in use.

Long ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim of their beer mugs or ceremic/glass cups. The whistle was used to order services. Thus we get the phrase, "wet your whistle".
 
 

IRISH BLESSINGS, TOASTS & SAYINGS:

IRISH BLESSINGS & TOASTS May you always have walls for the winds, a roof for the rain, tea beside the fire, laughter to cheer you, those you love near you, and all your heart might desire. May the road rise to meet you, May the wind be always at your back, May the sun shine warm upon your face, The rains fall soft upon your fields and, Until we meet again, May God hold you in the palm of His hand. May you have love that never ends, lots of money, and lots of friends. Health be yours, whatever you do, and may God send many blessings to you! May you have: A world of wishes at your command. God and his angels close to hand. Friends and family their love impart, and Irish blessings in your heart! May you have the hindsight to know where you've been the foresight to know where you're going and the insight to know when you're going too far. May you have warm words on a cold evening, a full moon on a dark night, and the road downhill all the way to your door. May the Irish hills caress you. May her lakes and rivers bless you. May the luck of the Irish enfold you. May the blessings of Saint Patrick behold you. These things, I warmly wish for you- Someone to love, some work to do, A bit of o' sun, a bit o' cheer. And a guardian angel always near. He who loses money, loses much; He who loses a friend, loses more; He who loses faith, loses all.

IRISH SAYINGS A drink precedes a story. Time is a great story teller. A friend's eye is a good mirror. Even a small thorn causes festering. Good as drink is, it ends in thirst. It is a long road that has no turning. As the big hound is, so will the pup be. A trade not properly learned is an enemy. Put silk on a goat, and it's still a goat. When the liquor was gone the fun was gone. There is no fireside like your own fireside. It is not a secret if it is known by three people. It takes time to build castles. Rome was not built in a day. The man with the boots does not mind where he places his foot. If you do not sow in the spring you will not reap in the autumn. When a twig grows hard it is difficult to twist it. Every beginning is weak. There is no memory of eaten bread. In heaven there is no beer...That's why we drink ours here. What butter and whiskey will not cure there's no cure for. Long churning makes bad butter. Butter is the oil of the heart. It's no use boiling your cabbage twice. Neither give cherries to pigs nor advice to a fool. He who does not get meat will get great satisfaction from the soup. God invented whiskey so the Irish wouldn't rule the world. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point in the wrong direction.

 
 

IRISH QUOTES:
"St. Patrick's Day is an enchanted time -- a day to begin transforming winter's dreams into summer's magic."
~~Adrienne Cook

"Ireland is rich in literature that understands a soul's yearnings, and dancing that understands a happy heart."
~~Margaret Jackson

"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat."
~~Alex Levine

"Maybe it's bred in the bone, but the sound of pipes is a little bit of heaven to some of us."
~~Nancy O'Keeefe

"In Ireland the inevitable never happens and the unexpected constantly occurs."
~~Sir John Pentland Mahaffy

"There is no language like the Irish for soothing and quieting."
~~John Millington Synge

CHUCKLES & BELLY LAUGHS:

The Drunken Ambulance Mick Flaherty had supped more Guinness than enough and had stumbled out of Quinn's bar and into the Sunday afternoon air. As his drunken eyes squinted to adjust to the light, an ambulance went by at great speed. Blue lights flashing and siren blaring, it roared up the street with Mick in full flight running after it. A hundred yards, 200, 300, almost a quarter of a mile he tracked it until suddenly, lungs and legs giving out, he fell into the gutter. Then with his very last ounce of breath he roared: 'You can keep your D***  ice cream!'  Paddy was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal remains wouldn't take a bad turn.  At last his friends laid him in the box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard.  As it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard.  Suddenly a loud knocking came from in the box.  Paddy was alive!  They opened the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it's a miracle of God!  All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but later that day, the poor lad died.  Really died.  Stone cold dead.  They bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the hill the next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again"  A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and conversin' with the barkeep.  Another comes in and sits besides him.  He says how you do and hears the lilt and says you be Irish?  Yes I am.  The first man yells barkeep give us another round and one for my friend here he's from the mother country as well.  The second man asks-so where in the old country ye from.  Dublin responds the first.  Dublin you say - so am I and the second man hollers barkeep bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey for me and my friend here.  Afterwards the first man asks from where in Dublin and the second man responds with the street and the first man says well I'll be - so am I and yells barkeep another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for the pair of us.  The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it.  The owner of the pub asks - how is business.  The barkeep responds - not too bad - The O'Malley twins are here getting drunk again.  A drunk gets on a bus and asks the conductor how long the trip is between Limerick to Cork.  "About 2 hours," says the conductor.  "Okay," says the drunk "then how long is the trip between Cork to Limerick?"  The irate conductor says to the drunk "It's still about 2 hours, man.  Why'd ya think there'd be a difference?"  "Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year's, but it's a helluva long time between New Year's to Christmas!"  A young Irish girl goes into her priest on Saturday morning for confession.  "Father, forgive me for I have Thinned."  "You've Thinnned?"  "Yes, I went out with me boyfriend Friday night.  He held me hand twice, kissed me three times, and made love to me two times."  "Daughter!  I want you to go straight home, squeeze seven lemons into a glass, and drink it straight down."  "Will that wash away me Thin?"  "No, but it will get the silly smile off your face."  Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking.  "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported.  Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him.  The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil.  When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport.  Next came the German.  "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported.  Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard  "Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport.  The guards then came to the Irishman.  "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported.  Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?"  "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".  An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.  After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it?  The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth.  Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."  Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation.  He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you're supposed to be celibate.  But...."  The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask.  I have succumbed once or twice."  There was silence for a while.  Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"  A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?"  "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."  The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.  "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

 
 
 

The Gift    Dr Bill Hamm sent this gem.  (This one probably had a tragic ending.)  Upon getting to work one morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by his secretary that it's his wife's birthday today. At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her. Unfortunately, he realizes that life has been good and she has everything she needs. Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young. Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has. Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife. Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He'll wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom. Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she has never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and then decides that she'll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all. So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked. She calls out, 'Marvin, come out to the hallway and look.' Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, 'All that money and they didn't even iron it.'

 
 

Church Gossip Bud Casselberry sent this one.  I posted it before but it still makes me chuckle even though I know the punch. Mildred, the church gossiper and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but  feared her enough to maintain their silence.  She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic, after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar, one afternoon.  It had broken down and he had gone after a tow truck. She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.  He didn't explain, defend, or deny.  He said nothing. Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ....  walked home ..  and left it there all night. You gotta love Henry .  .  .

 
 

The tribal wisdom of the Squamish Indians, passed on from genertion to generation, says, "When you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."  In government, however, more "advanced" strategies are often employed in such situations:   1.  Buy a stronger whip.   2.  Change riders.   3.  Appoint a committee to study the horse.   4.  Visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.   5.  Lower the standards so that dead horses can be included as live.   6.  Reclassify the dead horse as living-impaired.   7.  Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.   8.  Harness several dead horses together to increase speed.   9.  Provide additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's            performance. 10.  Do a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead             horse's performance. 11.  Declare that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less            costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially           more to the bottom line of the economy than does a live horse. 12.  Rewrite the expected performance requirements for all horses. 13.  Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position. Thanks to Dave Glossner for this one.

GROANERS:
 

IRISH GROANERS: Budgies Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock.  "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Irish man, paid for them and left.  He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off.  He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened.  "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping"  Seeing Spots  An Irish man went to the opticians.  "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes" The receptionist asked; "have you seen a doctor?" the Irish Man Replied; "No, just spots" Nature's Way  The doctor was explaining to Paddy how nature adjusted certain physical disabilities.  "For example, if a man is blind, he develops a keen sense of hearing and touch.  If he's stone deaf, he develops other senses." "I know what you mean," said Paddy.” I’ve notice that if a bloke has one short leg, then the other one is always a bit longer." The Irishman and the Genie Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it.  Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like"  Irishman scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty.  "Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the bottle.  The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes.  He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared.  "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?"  "You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genies.  "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them"  Medical Laziness  A Phibsboro man told his doctor that he could no longer do as much around the house as he used to.  He didn’t seem to have the energy for any chores. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and at the end the guy said: "OK, doc, I can take it.  Tell me in plain English, what's wrong with me?" "Well" said the doctor, "in plain English, you're just lazy" "OK" said the guy "now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife" Accident O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.  Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.  "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"  Room Mates Hospital Orderly O'Malley retired from the British Army and got a job as an orderly in Brocton Prison hospital.  On his first day he met up with an old school pal from Kilkenny. 'Mick,' said his classmate, 'I want you to keep a severe eye on the feller in bed number three.' 'Why's that?' asked O'Malley. 'Well,' said his chum, 'he's been here a month.  Already he's had his tonsils removed, his adenoids removed, and his appendix removed.  I'm beginning to suspect he's smuggling himself out bit by bit!'    ONE LINERS What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life?  Third grade.  What's Irish and stays out all night? Paddy 0'Furniture  Why did the Irishman fall out the window? He was ironing the curtain. (I wonder if he was blond instead of red) An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her Husband demanded to know who the other man was. Did you hear about the Irish helicopter crash? The pilot got cold, so he turned off the fan. How do you sink an Irish submarine? Knock on the hatch. The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed:  They ran out of scaffolding. Irish business men have their names printed on the front and back of their business card in case someone looses them.

 
 

Wayne Smith sent this group.  They are very groany!! (1) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."  (2) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, and we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.  (3) A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."  (4) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.  (5) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"  (6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."  (7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."  (8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."  (9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.  (10) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"  (By the way, the guy who wrote these 10 puns entered them in a contest. He figured with 10 entries, he couldn't lose. As they were reading the list of winners, he was really hoping one of his puns would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.)

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