KCNET NEWSLETTER
 FUN PAGE
 02/04/07  &  02/11/07


TRIVIA:
QUOTES:
CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS


TRIVIA: Valentine's Day Trivia
15% of U.S.  women send themselves flowers on Valentine's Day.

73% of people who buy flowers for Valentine's Day are men, while only 27 percent are women.

About 1 billion Valentine's Day cards are exchanged each year.  That's the largest seasonal card-sending occasion of the year, next to Christmas.

About 3% of pet owners will give Valentine's Day gifts to their pets.

Chocolate manufacturers currently use 40 percent of the world's almonds and 20 percent of the world's peanuts.

Alexander Graham Bell applied for his patent on the telephone, an "Improvement in Telegraphy", on Valentine's Day, 1876.

California produces 60 percent of American roses, but the vast number sold on Valentine's Day in the United States are imported, mostly from South America.  Approximately 110 million roses, the majority red, will be sold and delivered within a three-day time period.

Cupid, another symbol of Valentines Day, became associated with it because he was the son of Venus, the Roman god of love and beauty.  Cupid often appears on Valentine cards holding a bow and arrows because he is believed to use magical arrows to inspire feelings of love.

During the late 1800s, postage rates around the world dropped, and the obscene St.  Valentine's Day card became popular, despite the Victorian era being otherwise very prudish.  As the numbers of racy valentines grew, several countries banned the practice of exchanging Valentine's Days cards.  During this period, Chicago's post office rejected more than 25,000 cards on the grounds that they were so indecent, they were not fit to be carried through the U.S.  mail.

During the Middle Ages, the belief that birds chose their mates on St.  Valentine's Day led to the idea that boys and girls would do the same.  Up through the early 1900s, the Ozark hill people in the eastern United States thought that birds and rabbits started mating on February 14, a day for them which was not only Valentine's Day but Groundhog Day as well.

February 14, 270 A.D.  : Roman Emperor Claudius II, dubbed "Claudius the Cruel," beheaded a priest named Valentine for performing marriage ceremonies.  Claudius II had outlawed marriages when Roman men began refusing to go to war in order to stay with their wives.

Hallmark has over 1330 different cards specifically for Valentine's Day.

Humorous valentines of the 19th century were called "Vinegar Valentines" or "Penny Dreadfuls." Vinegar Valentines were introduced in 1858 by John McLaughin, a Scotsman with a New York City Publishing Business.  Penny Dreadfuls with comic designs drawn in 1870 by American cartoonists Charles Howard became known as Penny Dreadfuls.

In 1929 in Chicago, gunmen in the suspected employment of organized-crime boss Al Capone murder seven members of the George "Bugs" Moran North Siders gang in a garage on North Clark Street.  The so-called St.  Valentine's Day Massacre stirred a media storm centered on Capone and his illegal Prohibition-era activities and motivated federal authorities to redouble their efforts to find evidence incriminating enough to take him off the streets.

In the Middle Ages, young men and women drew names from a bowl to see who their valentines would be.  They would wear these names on their sleeves for one week.  To wear your heart on your sleeve now means that it is easy for other people to know how you are feeling.

In the United States, 64 percent of men do not make plans in advance for a romantic Valentine's Day with their sweethearts.

In Victorian times it was considered bad luck to sign a Valentine's Day card.

In Wales, wooden love spoons were carved and given as gifts on February 14th.  Hearts, keys and keyholes were favorite decorations on the spoons.  The decoration meant, "You unlock my heart!"

It wasn't until 1537 that St.  Valentine's Day was declared an official holiday.  England's King Henry VIII declared February 14th a holiday.

On February 14, 1779, Captain James Cook, the great English explorer and navigator, was murdered by natives of Hawaii during his third visit to the Pacific island group.

One single perfect red rose framed with baby's breath is referred to by some florists as a "signature rose," and is the preferred choice for many for giving on Valentine's Day, anniversary, or birthday.

Only the U.S., Canada, Mexico, France, Australia and the U.K. celebrate Valentine's Day.

Sir Alexander Fleming was a young bacteriologist when an accidental discovery led to one of the great developments of modern medicine.  Having left a plate of staphylococcus bacteria uncovered, Fleming noticed that a mold that had fallen on the culture had killed many of the bacteria.  He identified the mold as penicillium notatum, similar to the kind found on bread.  On February 14, 1929, Fleming introduced his mold by-product called penicillin to cure bacterial infections.

Some people used to believe that if a woman saw a robin flying overhead on Valentine's Day, it meant she would marry a sailor.  If she saw a sparrow, she would marry a poor man and be very happy.  If she saw a goldfinch, she would marry a millionaire.

Teachers will receive the most Valentine's Day cards, followed by children, mothers, wives, and then, sweethearts.  Children ages 6 to 10 exchange more than 650 million Valentine's cards with teachers, classmates, and family members.

The Empire State Building in New York City played a prominent role in the movie Sleepless in Seattle.  This year 15 couples will take (or renew) their vows on the 80th floor of this famous landmark.

The first American publisher of valentines was printer and artist Esther Howland.  During the 1870s, her elaborate lace cards were purchased by the wealthy, as they cost a minimum of 5 dollars - some sold for as much as 35 dollars.  Mass production eventually brought prices down, and the affordable "penny valentine" became popular with the lower classes.

The first photograph of a U.S.  President was taken on February 14, 1849 by Matthew Brady in New York City.  President James Polk was the subject of the famous picture.  .

The first televised tour of the White House aired on February 14 in 1962.  First Lady Jackie Kennedy hosted the tour.

The heart is the most common symbol of romantic love.  Ancient cultures believed the human soul lived in the heart.  Others thought it to be the source of emotion and intelligence.  Some believed the heart embodied a man's truth, strength and nobility.  The heart may be associated with love because the ancient Greeks believed it was the target of Eros, known as Cupid to the Romans.  Anyone shot in the heart by one of Cupid's arrows would fall hopelessly in love.  Because the heart is so closely linked to love, it's red colour is thought to be the most romantic.

The Italian city of Verona, where Shakespeare's lovers Romeo and Juliet lived, receives about 1,000 letters addressed to Juliet every Valentine's Day.

The most fantastic gift of love is the Taj Mahal in India.  It was built by Mughal Emperor Shahjahan as a memorial to his wife, who died in childbirth.  Work on the Taj began in 1634 and continued for almost 22 years.  required the labor of 20,000 workers from all over India and Central Asia.

The oldest known Valentines were sent in 1415 A.D.  by the Duke of Orleans to his French wife while he was imprisoned in the Tower of London.  It is still on display in a museum in England.

The oldest surviving love poem is written in a clay tablet from the times of the Sumerians, inventors of writing, around 3500 B.C.  It was unromantically named Istanbul #2461 by the archeologists who unearthed it.

The red rose was the favorite flower of Venus, the Roman goddess of love.  Red stands for strong feelings which is why a red rose is a flower of love.

Valentine's Day is big business.  Consumers will spend an average of $77.43 on Valentine's Day gifts this year.  E-commerce retailers expect to rack up about $650 million in sales of food, candy, flowers, and other Valentine's Day gifts.  Of that amount about $350 million will be for gifts and flowers and another $45 million will be spent on food (including chocolate) and wine.

Wearing a wedding ring on the fourth finger of the left hand dates back to ancient Egypt, where it was believed that the vein of love ran from this finger directly to the heart.

A ring has been included in wedding ceremonies since the 12th century.  Pope Innocent the Third ordained that marriages had to take place in church and that a wedding ring should be exchanged during the service.

In England, the Romans, who had taken over the country, had introduced a pagan fertility festival held every February 14.  After the Romans left England, nearly a century later, the pagan ritual was abolished by Pope Gelsius who established St.Valentine's Day as a celebration of love in 496 A.D.

In America, the pilgrims sent confections, such as sugar wafers, marzipan, sweetmeats and sugar plums, to their betrothed.  Great value was placed on these gifts because they included what was then a rare commodity, sugar.  After the late 1800's, beet sugar became widely used and more available, and sweet gifts continued to be valued and enjoyed.

QUOTES Valentine's Day Love Quotes
If music be the food of love, play on.
- Shakespeare

Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be.
- Robert Browning

Love is the enchanted dawn of every heart.
- Lamartine

Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without having asked any clear question.
- Albert Camus (1913-1960)

It's not the men in my life that count -- it's the life in my men.
- Mae West (1892-1980)

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.
- Rita Mae Brown

Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.
- Judith Viorst

At the touch of Love every one becomes a poet.
- Plato

Love may not make the world go round, but I must admit that it makes the ride worthwhile.
- Sean Connery

Love doesn't grow on trees like apples in Eden - it's something you have to make. And you must use your imagination too.
- Joyce Cary

Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
- Jerome K. Jerome

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.
- Jules Renard

CHUCKLES & BELLY LAUGHS:

Valentine's Day Jokes And Stories
Perfectly Paired Puns
As Valentine's Day approached, I tried to think of an unusual gift for my husband. When I discovered that his favorite red-plaid pants had a broken zipper, I thought I had the "perfect Valentine." I had the pants repaired, and gift-wrapped them. On the package I put a huge red heart on which I printed: "My Heart Pants for You." I was the surprised one, however, when I saw the same heart taped to our formerly empty, but now overflowing, wood box. On it he had written: "Wood You Be My Valentine?"
-- Contributed by Mary Lou Pittman

A Little Nuts About Love
Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign. "Why the new sign?" I asked. "My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one," she said. When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: "Local Honey Dates Nuts"
-- Contributed by Theodore Bologna

Check Out a Romance
I met my husband while I was working in a science library. He came in every week to read the latest journals and eventually decided to take out the librarian instead of the books. After a year and a half of dating, he showed up at the library and started rummaging through my desk. I asked what he was looking for, but he didn't answer. Finally he unearthed one of the rubber stamps I used to identify reference books. "Since I couldn't find the right engagement ring," he said, "this will have to do," and he firmly stamped my hand. Across my knuckles, in capital letters, it read "NOT FOR CIRCULATION."
-- Contributed by Ruth E. Chodrow

Sweet Nothings (.com)
My boyfriend and I met online and we'd been dating for over a year. I introduced Hans to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we met over the Internet. He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick me up. Ever the geek, Hans naively replied, "I just used a regular 56K modem."
-- Contributed by Anne McConnell

Pastoral Passion
The lingerie store where my aunt works was crowded with shoppers selecting Valentine's Day gifts for their wives. A young businessman came to the register with a lacy black negligee. My aunt noticed that the next customer, an elderly farmer, was holding a long flannel nightgown and kept glancing at the younger man's sexier choice. When it was his turn, the farmer placed the nightgown on the counter. "Would you have anything in black flannel?" He asked.
-- Contributed by Christine A. Pandolfo

9 to 5 Love
My husband, a certified public accountant, works 15-hour days for the first few months of the year. In spite of his hectic schedule, he took time out to order me flowers for Valentine's Day. While pondering what sweet endearment to write on the card, he obviously began thinking of the many hours of work still ahead of him. His note read: "Roses are red, violets are blue. If I weren't thinking of you, I'd probably be through."
-- Contributed by Cindy Wolf

Mower Than a Greeting Card
My friend Mark and I work in a lawn-mower-parts warehouse. Somehow Mark got the idea that his wife did not want a card on Valentine's Day, but when he spoke to her on the phone he discovered she was expecting one. Not having time to buy a card on his way home, Mark was in a quandary. Then he looked at the lawn-mower trade magazines scattered around the office -- and got an idea. Using scissors and glue, he created a card with pictures of mowers, next to which he wrote: "I lawn for you mower and mower each day." Mark's wife loved it. The card immediately graced their refrigerator door.
-- Contributed by Gene Hyde

Irresistable Irony
About a year had passed since my amicable divorce, and I decided it was time to start dating again. Unsure how to begin, I thought I'd scan the personals column of my local newspaper. I came across three men who seemed like they'd be promising candidates. A couple of days later, I was checking my answering machine and discovered a message from my ex-husband. "I was over visiting the kids yesterday," he said. "While I was there I happened to notice you had circled some ads in the paper. Don't bother calling the guy in the second column. I can tell you right now it won't work out. That guy is me."
-- Contributed by Pat Patel

Making the Grade
My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader. One day I received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription: "BE MINE." The following day, I received in return a valentine from the teacher. It read: "Thank you, but it's still BE MINE-US."
-- Contributed by Brad Wilcox

Read All About It
Every Valentine's Day our campus newspaper has a section for student messages. Last year my roommate surprised his girlfriend with roses and dinner at a fancy restaurant. When they returned from their date, she leafed through the paper to see if he had written a note to her. Near the bottom of one page she found: "Bonnie -- What are you looking here for? Aren't dinner and flowers enough? Love, Scott."
-- Contributed by Richard B. Blackwell

Devoted and Determined
During World War II my parents had planned a romantic Valentine's Day wedding. Suddenly my father, then stationed at Camp Edwards in Massachusetts, received orders to prepare to ship out, and all leaves were canceled. Being a young man in love, he went AWOL. He and my mother were married four days earlier than originally planned and he returned to base to an angry sergeant. After hearing the explanation, the sergeant understandingly replied, "Okay, okay!" Then, as an afterthought: "But don't let it happen again!"
-- Contributed by Sandra L. Caron


 
 
This wild one was sent by Jack Schmidt
Did you ever wonder what a husband does while he is in a store waiting on his wife to shop?  Here is a letter that one wife received.

Dear Mrs.  Fenton, Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us again, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offenses over the past few months...  all verified by our surveillance cameras.
1.  June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2.  July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3.  July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4.  July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3 in Housewares!".....  and watched what happened.
5.  August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6.  September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7.  September 15: Set up a camping tent in the sporting goods department, and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the Bedding department.
8.  September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9.  October 4: Looked right into the security camera, used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10.  November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11.  December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12.  December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13.  December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME!, PICK ME!"
14.  December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO!  NO!    It's those voices again!!!!"
....and; last, but not least
15.  December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!" 


 
 
Hang-gliding  This one from Herb Budinger
Back in Kentucky, you didn't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready  to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge--and into the wind he goes!
Meanwhile, Maw  and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin' about the  good ol' days when Maw spots the biggest bird she had ever seen!  "Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims. Paw  straightens up and says, "Git my gun, Maw." She runs into the house and brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster-size  bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops. "I think ya missed him, Paw," she says. "Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!" 

 
 
Acts 2:38  This one from Gary Clark
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder.
She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, STOP!  Acts 2:38!  (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks.
The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there?  All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar.  "She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!"
GROANERS:
 
Valentine Day Groans

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
Hog and kisses!

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
Sure, they're very scent-imental!

What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
"I'm sweet on you!"

What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
"I find you very attractive."

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?
A hug and a quiche!

What did one pickle say to the other?
"You mean a great dill to me."

Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!

What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
"I love you a ton!"

What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
"You're fun to hang around with."

Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
He fell in love with a pincushion!

What did the pencil say to the paper?
"I dot my i's on you!"

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?
She didn't suit his taste!


 
 
I just had a dream about it    From Aha Jokes.
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".

 
 
I'm sending out some cards  Also Aha Jokes
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

 
 
This one from Gary n' Patti
A man is driving down a country road and his car breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down.  Do you think I could stay the night?"
The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, show him to a room, and even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.  A sound not like anything he's ever heard before.  The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.
He doesn't sleep that night.  He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.  The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you.  You're not a Monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The Monks reply, "We can't tell you.  You're not a Monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."
The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand.  When you find the answer to these questions, you will have become a Monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery.  A Monk answers.  He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks.  "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for:
By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change.  Only God knows what you ask.  All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The Monks reply, "Congratulations.  You have become a Monk.  We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."  The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door.  Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.  The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.  And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.  Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold.  The sound has now become very clear and definite.  The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end.  His life's wish is behind that door!  With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open.  Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound.....But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Monk.

I am truly sorry for posting that one.  I just couldn't help myself, since I too, was caught up in the mystique of the story and totally forgot that it was listed as a Groaner. (Mike)


 

SEND EMAIL PLEASE

HOME PAGE
KCNET NEWSLETTER
COMMENTARY AND CLASS SCHEDULE PAGE
MIKE'S COMMENTARY, COMPUTER CLASSES AND COURSES, 
ADVANCED USER GROUP NOTES, SUE'S NEWS & NOTES
TECHNICAL PAGE
TECHNICALLY SPEAKING, VIRUS AND OTHER STINKY STUFF,
INTERESTING SITES
KCNET SENIORCENTER.NET HOME PAGE
NEWSLETTER ARCHIVES 2006, 2005, & 2004
KCNET NEWSLETTER MEMBER PAGES