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01/21/07 & 01/28/07

TRIVIA:
QUOTES:
CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS

TRIVIA:
Test your Super Bowl Knowledge! - Football Quiz
   1. What five teams have never lost a Super Bowl?
   2. What two teams have been to the Super Bowl the most?
   3. How many teams have won the Super Bowl 3 or more times?
   4. Who is the only special teams player to win the MVP of a Super Bowl?
   5. Who are the only two players to win back to back MVP’s for a Super Bowl?
   6. What teams have won back to back Super Bowls?
   7. What coach has been in the most Super Bowls?
   8. Which Super Bowl was the lowest scoring?
   9. Which Super Bowl was the highest scoring?
10. What player has played in the most Super Bowls?
11. What player has the most TD passes in a Super Bowl?
12. What player has the most yards gained in a Super Bowl?
13. What player has the most receptions in a single game?
14. Who has the longest run from scrimmage in a Super Bowl?
15. Who made the longest FG in a Super Bowl?
Answers to football quiz
   1. What five teams have never lost a Super Bowl? (25 points or 5 point per answer) San Francisco, Chicago, NY Jets, Baltimore Ravens and Tampa Bay
   2. What two teams have been to the Super Bowl the most? (10 Points or 5 point per answer) Dallas and Denver
   3. How many teams have won the Super Bowl 3 or more times? (35 points or 5 point per answer) San Francisco, New England, Pittsburgh, GB, Oakland, Washington and Dallas
   4. Who is the only special teams player to win the MVP of a Super Bowl? (25 points) Desmond Howard (GB)
   5. Who are the only two players to win back to back MVP’s for a Super Bowl? (30 points or 15 point per answer) Terry Bradshaw XIII & XIV and Bart Starr I & II
   6. What teams have won back to back Super Bowls? (30 points or 5 point per answer) GB I & II, XXXI-XXXII Miami VII & VIII, Pittsburgh IX & X, XIII & XIV, SF XXIII & XXIV, Dallas XXVII & XXVIII, Denver XXXII & XXXIII
   7. What coach has been in the most Super Bowls? (25 points) Don Shula (6)
   8. Which Super Bowl was the lowest scoring? (5 points) Super Bowl VII (Miami 14 Washington 7)
   9. Which Super Bowl was the highest scoring? (5 points) Super Bowl XXIX (SF 49 SD 26 = 75 total points)
10. What player has played in the most Super Bowls? (25 points) Mike Lodish, Buffalo, XXV-XXVIII; Denver, XXXII-XXXIII
11. What player has the most TD passes in a Super Bowl? (25 points) Steve Young (6)
12. What player has the most yards gained in a Super Bowl? (25 points) Andre Coleman, San Diego 244 yards
13. What player has the most receptions in a single game? (25 points) Dan Ross SD 11 or Jerry Rice SF 11
14. Who has the longest run from scrimmage in a Super Bowl? (25 points) Marcus Allen, LA Raiders 74 yards
15. Who made the longest FG in a Super Bowl? (25 points) Steve Christie, Buffalo XXVIII 54 yards

SQUIRREL TRIVIA
Squirrel's belong to the order "Rodentia", with 1650 species, it is the largest group of living mammals. It also comprises forty percent of all present day mammal species.
There are over 365 species of squirrels in seven families. They include the tree squirrel, ground squirrel, and flying squirrel. Plus many squirrel-like mammals such as the gopher, ground hog and prairie dog.
Squirrels are the most active in late winter, when the mating season begins.   The males will chase a females, as well as, chase off other suitors. This ritual of chasing, occurs through the trees at top speed. While they perform some of the most breathtaking acrobatics imaginable.
The period of gestation varies from 33 days in the smaller species of pine squirrels, up to 60 days for the larger species such as the common gray and fox squirrels.
Squirrels are usually born in the early spring. The average litter consists of four. This varies with climate and location. A second litter can occur in mid summer, if there is an adequate food supply.
A female squirrel will choose the strongest male during mating season, but is unlikely to breed with that male again. This is natures way of reducing inbreeding, and to preserve the species.
A baby squirrel weighs approximately one ounce at birth, and is about one inch long. They do not have hair or teeth, and are virtually blind for the first six to eight weeks.
Gray squirrels come in many colors. Shades of gray are the most common followed by shades of brown. There are also pure white and pure black squirrels, but both are variations of the gray squirrel.
The common Red squirrel can have an all black coat. While the Kaibab squirrel has a black body with a white tail. Both are found in coniferous forests.
In the summer squirrels are most active two to three hours after sunrise, then they'll rest in the afternoon. Resuming activity again two hours before sunset. The squirrel will retire to its nest well before dark, and will rarely leave the nest in the dark.   In the winter, the squirrel will complete its activities between dawn and mid- day, and will remain in or around the nest until the next day.
During winter storms, or severe cold, the squirrel may not leave the nest for days.   But, the tree squirrel does not hibernate!
An adult squirrel normally lives alone. But will, in severe cold, share its nest with other squirrels to conserve body heat. Once the temperature rises, the guests will be on their way.
Squirrels eyes are located high, and on each side of their head. This allows them a wide field of vision, without turning their head.
The gray squirrels diet consists of nuts, seeds and fruit. It will eat bird eggs, bugs, and even an animal carcass if there is no other food source available.
The gray squirrel requires some salt in its diet, and may find this salt in the soil along roads where snow and ice may have been.
Squirrels chew on tree branches to sharpen and clean their teeth. That's why you may see many small branches on the ground around large trees. They will also chew on power lines for the same reason, this has caused many major power outages throughout the country.
A squirrel's brain is about the size of a walnut.
The average adult squirrel needs to eat about a pound of food a week to maintain an active life.
Squirrels communicate through a series of chirps. The frequency, and the duration of the notes communicate everything from laughter to alarm. Their frequency range is normally between .01 KHz. and 10 KHz. (kilohertz). These sounds when used in conjunction with tail gestures, form the basis for squirrel communication.
If a squirrel has taken up residence in your attic or crawl space, the only practical way to remove them is by trapping.
A squirrel will break the shell of a nut with its teeth, then clean the nut by licking it or rubbing on its face before it is buried. This action applies a scent to the nut which helps the squirrel find it later, even under a foot of snow.
The sweat glands of a tree squirrel are located on their feet, between the foot pads and on their paws between the toes. When hot or excited a squirrel will leave wet tracks on a dry surface. This scent is also used to mark the trees in their territory.
If a squirrels nest becomes infested with fleas or other parasites, it will move to, or build a new nest. This is why there may be more nests then squirrels in a given area.
The gray squirrel has been known to build a nest in many unusual places, in an attic or a crawl space seems to be the most common. Squirrels have also built nests in automobiles, chimney's, barbecue grills and under porches.
When a squirrel senses danger, its first instinct is to stand motionless. If on the ground it will race to the closest tree, or other climbable object to escape. If it is in a tree, it will circle the trunk with its body pressed tightly to the bark.
The squirrel's erratic path while crossing a street is an attempt to confuse the oncoming vehicle... thereby causing it to change direction. This is obliviously the squirrels biggest, and often last mistake.
The male tree squirrel takes twice as long, as the female, to groom itself. They are the cleanest animal in the rodent family.
A squirrels teeth grow continuously. Their incisor's will grow six inches per year, but stay short due to the constant wear they receive.
The most common type of squirrel bite is a result of feeding a squirrel by hand. Never hold the food between your fingers, chances are very good you will be bitten. A squirrel's eyes are always looking for predators and they rarely focus on what they are eating.

GREAT QUOTES: But you had to have been there.
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me, and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea: Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
-- Joe Namath
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

CHUCKLES & BELLY LAUGHS:

This collection from Gary n' Patti (probably Patti). I'll call it one for the femmes.
The Silent Treatment:   A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
WIFE VS. HUSBAND:   A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws.
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE): I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
W O R D S:   A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION:   A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT:   A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

High Birth Rate:   Dr. Bill Hamm sent this one to Bud Casselberry who shared it with us.
A little rural town had one of the highest birth rates in the country and this phenomenon attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university.
They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; moved to town; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such.
While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.
"Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."

Diane sent this one to Bud. It coulda' happened.
I think we need to quit saving our $2 bills and bring them out in public. The younger generation doesn't know they exist.
STORY: On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold are a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about anyone getting irritated at me for trying to break a $50 bill.
Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go "
Server: "That'll be $1.04. Eat in?"
Me: "No, it's to go." At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.
Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them:
Server: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
Manager: "No. A what?"
Server: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."
Manager: "Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill."
Server: "Yeah, thought so."
He comes back to me and says, "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"
Me: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"
Server: "I don't know."
Me: "See here where it says legal tender?"
Server: "Yeah."
Me: "So, Why don't you take it?"
Server: "Well, hang on a sec."
He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a shoplifter, and says to him, "He says I have to take it."
Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?"
Server: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change "
Manager: "I'm not opening the safe with him in here."
Server: "What should I do?"
Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has real money."
Server: "I can't tell him that! You tell him."
Manager: "Just tell him."
Server: " No way! This is weird. I'm going in back."
The manager approaches me and says, "I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night."
Me: "It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill."
Manager: "We don't take those, either."
Me: "Why not?"
Manager: "I think you know why."
Me: "No really, tell me why."
Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."
Me: "Excuse me?"
Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."
Me: "What on earth for?"
Manager: "Please, sir."
Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them."
Manager: "Would you please just leave?"
Me: "No."
Manager: "Fine -- have it your way then."
Me: "Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?"
At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in.
Guard: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
Manager (whispering): "This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money."
Guard: "No kidding! What?"
Manager: "Get this .. A two dollar bill."
Guard (incredulous): "Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?"
Manager: "I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty."
Guard: "Oh, so the fifty's fake!"
Manager: "No, the two dollar bill is."
Guard: "Why would he fake a two dollar bill?"
Manager: "I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"
Guard: "Yeah."
Security Guard walks over to me and......
Guard: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."
Me: "Uh, no."
Guard: "Lemme see 'em."
Me: "Why?"
Guard: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"
At this point I am ready to say, "Sure, please!" but I want to eat, so I say "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill. I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says, "Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"
Manager: "It's fake."
Guard: "It doesn't look fake to me."
Manager: "But it's a two dollar bill."
Guard: "Yeah?"
Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"
The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot, and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue.
So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.
Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. You get free food there, too.
Just think...those two will be voting soon.........................................

A child's sincere originality. No adult is this creative!! This collection from Wayne Smith.
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six ."
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"
SUSAN(age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
CLINTON(age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
JAMES(age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"
The Sermon: I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

GROANERS:

This one made me really laugh. Thanks to Irishrose, Rosemary Bednarczyk.
Sick Leave I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung Upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.
My coworker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my coworker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, "And where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

Rear View From Just For Grins.
My nephew works at a copy shop that provides a variety of computer services. Once, a customer brought in a snapshot he had taken of the front of his house.
"Would you scan this picture onto a computer screen"? he asked my nephew.
"Then rotate it 180 degrees. I need a photo of the back of my house."

Snow Blonde This one from Tom Livingston. (Happy Birthday Tom)
One winter morning, a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today, you must park ..." ..... Then the power goes out.
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time.

Shave and a Haircut...Diane to Bud.
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber.
"Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

The Secret to a Long Marriage Also Just For Grins
With a man soon to celebrate his 50th wedding anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Pete to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to maintain his marriage with the same woman all these years.
The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."
The minister inquired, "Trips to where"?
"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."
The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Pete."
Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary."
Pete said, "I'm going to go get her."

First Apartment : Dr. Bill Hamm sent this one to Bud.
Having moved into his first apartment, our son invited my husband and I for a visit.
As we walked in, our son asked if we'd like a cold drink.
Mentally patting myself on the back for teaching him to be such a gracious host, I said, "Yes, what do you have?"
He walked over to the refrigerator, opened the door, studied the contents, and then replied, "I have pickle juice or water."

A man was in his front yard mowing grass' when his blonde female neighbor, judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. she opened it up, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. angrily, back into the house she went. as the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it up and then slammed it closed harder than ever. puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "is something wrong?" to which she replied, "there certainly is! my SEND EMAIL PLEASE

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