KCNET NEWSLETTER
 FUN PAGE
 01/07/ 07  &  01/14/07



TRIVIA:
QUOTES:
CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS


TRIVIA:
The North Atlantic Right Whale is estimated to number less than 350. This makes it one of the the rarest large whales in the world. It was named so, because early hunters found it the 'right whale' to kill for its rich oil and it was easy to catch, since it frequently surfaces to collect plankton. This whale has been internationally protected since 1935. Major threats to the numbers are ship collisions and fishing gear entanglement. Pregnant females travel between eastern Canada and Florida in the winter, but little is known about the winter migration of most of these whales.   [Source: various sources at the Bedford Institute of Oceanography]

One of the favorite foods of moose in winter is the tender branches of the mountain ash tree. The berries of the mountain ash in winter are a favorite of cedar waxwings--perhaps because they ferment. Yes, they do get drunk!   [Source: Personal experience watching both in my yard, and verified by others in Alaska.]

Years ago, many farm houses were built with a large living room containing a huge fireplace. On the two exterior walls on either side of the fireplace wall, there was an outside door. When cold weather arrived each fall, a large log - sometimes 2 or 3 feet in diameter - was hauled to one of the doors. A rope or chain was fed through this door to the one on the opposite side of the house and hooked to a team of horses. In this way the log could be pulled into the house and rolled into the rear of the fireplace. These logs would sometimes burn all winter, being fed with smaller pieces of wood in the front. This is where the term 'backlog' came from.   [Source: personal family history]

Did you know that when bears hibernate they do not sleep though the whole winter? The bears get up many times to eat and to go to the bathroom.   [Source: Dicovery Channel]

La Paz, the capital city of Bolivia is the highest capital in the world. Ski resorts there operate only on weekends during the South American summer (November to March). At an elevation of over 17,000 feet, it is too cold to operate during the South American winter.   [Source: Internet]

It is a very curious fact that, although the pack of 52 cards (standard playing deck) was ostensibly produced simply for gaming, it contains a numerical symbolism which is related to the year and to nature. The four suits correspond to the four seasons: Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter. They also remind us of the four winds: North, East, South and West. The two colours, red and black, represent day and night. The 52 cards represent the 52 weeks of the year. The four suits of 13 cards each, correspond to the four quarters of the year, each having 13 weeks. The twelve court cards are analogous to the twelve months of the year; and to the twelve hours between noon and midnight. The face value, or pips, of each suit, from Ace to ten, add up to 55. If we call the Jack 11, the Queen 12, and the King 13, then the total of pips for each suit is 91. Multiply this by 4, and it gives a grand total for the whole pack of 364 - plus 1, the Joker and we have 365, the number of days in the year. Furthermore, the four suits of 13 cards each remind us of the four phases of the moon: new moon, first quarter, full moon and last quarter. These four phases make a lunar month and 13 lunar months are reckoned to the year.   [Source: 'Natural Magic' a book by Doreen Valiente (cpywrt. 1975)]

Lake Baikal in Russia (the deepest lake in the world) is home to an unusual population of freshwater seals. They eat fish and it is amazing that they can survivie through the extremely harsh winters there. The ice can get as think as 40 feet and the seals keep open holes (for breathing) by constantly swimming through them (to keep the ice from forming).   [Source: Well documented fact from many sources.]

In Fantasia there is a short story called 'Night On Bald Mountain.' This is a musical piece by Chekov, and the devil it features is called Chernobog. Chernobog is the Russian pagan god of darkness. It was believed that at each solstice Chernobog and Belobog (the god of light) battled. In the winter Chernobog won, explaining the longer period of night.   [Source: extensive research of Russian pagan beleifs]

Edward Eagan won gold medals in both the Summer (boxing) and Winter (bobsleigh) Olympic Games.   [Source: The depths of my sad useless facts brain]

Christmas was once a moveable feast celebrated many different times during the year. The choice of December 25 was made by the Pope Julius I in the fourth century AD because this coincided with the pagan rituals of Winter Solstice, or Return of the Sun. The intent was to replace the pagan celebration with the Christian one.


QUOTES:
Live your life each day as you would climb a mountain. An occasional glance toward the summit keeps the goal in mind, but many beautiful scenes are to be observed from each new vantage point.
--Harold B. Melchart

There is no better time than right now to be happy.
--Unknown

Whatever enlarges hope will also exalt courage.
--Samuel Johnson

The saddest summary of a life contains three descriptions: could have, might have and should have.
--Louis E. Boone

"Success is falling nine times and getting up ten."
--Jon Bon Jovi

"Never mess up an apology with an excuse."
--John Kerry
 
Some Yogi-isms - Yogi Berry
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."

"Baseball is 90 percent mental.  The other half is physical."

"If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop  them."

"No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded."

"We made too many wrong mistakes."

"You can observe a lot by just watching."

CHUCKLES & BELLY LAUGHS:
THE BEST ROAD RAGE!  I'll start the new year with a chuckle from Bud Casselberry.
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof--and the horn--screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car." 

 
 
Gary Clark sent this one.  Iused to ride airplanes a lot and there always seemed to be at least one  pain in the neck on board.
Many of us have probably had to listen to these tantrums in public.
As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five year old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.  No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane,a man in a U.S. Marine Corps uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the courtly,soft spoken Marine leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat,one of the flight  attendants touches his sleeve . "Excuse me, sir," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars and battle ribbons and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose and that I was just about to make my selection for this flight."

 
 
Wayne Smith sent this one to me.  Most of these descriptions are typical of other denominations too.
This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN : A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.


 
 
Here is a good oldie worth repeating...again and again.  This one from Wayne Smith.
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house"? and he said "no." Then they said that all the patrols were busy and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30 and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago, because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes, three police cars, an Armed Response unit and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

 
 
 
This is another one of those classics worth repeating.  Thanks to Irishrose, Rosemary Bednarzyck.
A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feed to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe PhotoShop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
You're a Congressman for the U.S.. Government", says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.
GROANERS:
 
A Little Math    From Just For Grins.
A fifth generation farmer has determined that his son will be the first in their family to go to college. So, he and the wife save every penny for years and when the big day comes
for Junior to leave for school, the old man is the proudest he's ever been.
After the first semester, Junior comes home for Christmas break and the old man sits him down for a talk.
"Well, boy, you been at school for three months now. I want you to tell me some of that fancy book learnin'."
So, Junior says, "My favorite class is math, pa. Just last week we learned a new formula. Pi r squared."
At hearing this, the old man screws up his eyes and smacks his forehead, "Dog gone it! I spent all that money on schooling and all you can tell me is Pi r squared? Why, everybody knows pie are round. Cornbread are squared!"

 
 
This may surprise you!   Gary smith sent this gem.
There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some  worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash.  Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. 
Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino's chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash.   And he is known as the chip monk.

 
 
Alligator Shoes   This is a really, really, really bad blond story from Just For Grins.
A blonde was on vacation in the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"
The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he spots a huge nine-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, fires, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby are seven more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.
As the shopkeeper stands on the bank, watching in silent amazement, the blonde struggles and flips the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out, "Rats! This one's barefoot too!" .

 
 
When she got flowers from her husband on Valentine's Day, my daughter's friend quickly opened the card. All it said was "No."
What did that mean?
She called her husband, who said, "I didn't attach any message. The florist asked if I had a message and I said, 'No.'" 
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