TRIVIA:
QUOTES:
CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS

TRIVIA:
CAN YOU FIGURE OUT THESE FIVE RIDDLES  Thanks to Larry Rhine for the 5 teasers.
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together.
How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE RIDDLES ARE BELOW THE LEFT-OVER TURKEY TRIVIA:
 

                               Left-over Turkey trivia...Somewhat

Here are the questions – Answers below the turkey.  1.  If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? 2.  What goes “gobble, gobble, ha-ha-ha, plop”? 3.  Why do turkeys go “gobble, gobble”? 4.  What kind of music do Pilgrims listen to? 5.  How do you make a turkey float? 6.  What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede? 7.  What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? 8.  If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? 9.  Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?     Here are the answers…….be prepared, they are really, really corny!! 1.  Pilgrims 2.  A turkey laughing its head off. 3.  Because they never learned good table manners 4.  Plymouth Rock 5.  Get two scoops of ice cream; add some root beer and a turkey 6.  Lots of drumsticks for Thanksgiving dinner 7.  If your father could see you now he’d turn over in his gravy! 8.  Their age! 9.  Yes they can – a building can’t jump at all

ANSWERS TO THE FIVE RIDDLES (from the top):
1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. That one was easy, right?
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).
3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.
4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!
5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

QUOTES:

"Be kind to all the people you meet on the way up because you're going to meet the same people on the way down."
--Jackie Gleason

"Plough deep while sluggards sleep."
--Benjamin Franklin

"When you are arguing with a fool, make sure he isn't doing the same thing."
--Unknown

"The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith and the beginning of true faith is the end of anxiety."
--George Mueller

"Wishes cost nothing unless you want them to come true."
--Frank Tyger

"If you think you're too small to have an impact, try going to bed with a mosquito in the room."
--Anita Koddick

"If you are going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance."
--Unknown

"The self is not something that one finds. It is something that one creates."
--Thomas Szasz

BTW:  Lately I've been borrowing a quote or two a week from Dawn Brown.  She publishes a weekly called "Wit and Wisdom."
 
 
 
 

CHUCKLES & BELLY LAUGHS:

                            A Left Over Thanksgiving Turkey Story from Bud Casselberry

John's parrot A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.  The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.  Every word out of the bird's mouth was coarse, obnoxious and laced with vile profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and doing anything else he could think of to help "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.  Nothing seemed to work. Finally, John became fed up and he yelled at the parrot.  The parrot yelled back like a drunken sailor.  John shook the parrot and the parrot reacted by getting more angry, louder and even ruder. So, in desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird by the neck and put him in the freezer and slammed the door. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.  Then suddenly there was total quiet.  Not a peep was to be heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd really hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.  The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and I intend to do everything I can to correct my obnoxious and antisocial behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.  The parrot was actually polite.  As he was about to ask the parrot why he had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the parrot continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

 
 

A SENIOR MOMENT A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank.  The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.  This one from Irishrose, Rosemary Bednarczyk Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.  I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.  Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.  As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further.  When you call me, press buttons as follows: 1-- To make an appointment to see me. 2-- To query a missing payment. 3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. 4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. 5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. 6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. 7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required.  A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.) 8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7. 9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year. Your Humble Client

 
 

Come Get It   From Just For Grins. My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at self-promotion. So, when an advertising company offered to put my father's business placard in the shopping carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped at the chance. A full year went by before we got a call that could be traced to those placards. "Richard Larson, CPA"? the caller asked. "That's right," my father answered. "May I help you"? "Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my yard and I want you to come and get it."

GROANERS:
 

Wolf Man   Thanks to Wayne Smith for this one. The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear"? his wife asks. "Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts. "Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal"? she asks nicely. "Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh"? At this moment, the Wolf Man started growling and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "I guess it's that time of the month."

 
 

A Great Invention  From Just For Grins I was setting up a large, cast aluminum, decorative sundial in my yard that I had purchased from a garden catalog. A neighbor was leaning on the fence watching my progress and asked, "What the heck's that for"? I explained, "It's a sundial. See, the sun will hit that small triangular spike and cast a shadow on the face of the sundial. Then, as the sun moves across the sky, the shadow also moves across the calibrated dial, enabling a person to determine the correct time." My neighbor shook his head and muttered, "Huh, what will they think of next"?

 
 

Another one from Just For Grins An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had made. "For instance," he said, "some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles." "What on Earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away"? asked a sarcastic member of the group. "I'm not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but I bet it sounds something like, 'Heeeeeeey! Can you hear me nowwww'"?!

 
 

Gary Clark sent this one. A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter. The instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes, and he could instruct her via radio. So up the blonde went. She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was going smoothly. At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash- landed in the woods. The instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay. As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out. "What happened?" the instructor asked. "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?" "Well," began the blonde, "I got cold, so I turned off the ceiling fan!"

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