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 11/05/ 06  &  11/12/06  & 11/19/06



TRIVIA:
QUOTES:
CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS

 

TRIVIA: TURKEY TRIVIA

* Turkeys originated in North and Central America, and evidence indicates that they have been around for over 10 million years.

* The American Indians hunted wild turkey for its sweet, juicy meat as early as 1000 AD.  Turkey feathers were used to stabilize arrows and adorn ceremonial dress, and the spurs on the legs of wild tom turkeys were used as projectiles on arrowheads.  They also shared a place in their folklore.  The Navajos tell of an enormous hen turkey that flew over their fields bringing them corn and teaching them how to cultivate their crops.  The Apache Indians considered the turkey timid and wouldn't eat it or use its feathers on their arrows.

* In Mexico, the turkey was considered a sacrificial bird.  As an article of tribute Montezuma received 365,000 turkeys per year from his subjects.

* Benjamin Franklin was displeased when the bald eagle was chosen over his proposed "original native" turkey as a national symbol.  He said the turkey is a more respectable bird and a true original native of America.

* Until 1863, Thanksgiving day had not been celebrated annually since the first feast in 1621.  This changed in 1863 when Sarah Josepha Hale encouraged Abraham Lincoln to set aside the last Thursday in November "as a day for national thanksgiving and prayer."

* Turkey eggs are pale creamy tan with brown speckles, and twice as large as chicken eggs.  They hatch in 28 days.  A baby turkey is called a poult and is tan and brown.

* Domesticated turkeys (farm raised) cannot fly.  Wild turkeys can fly for short distances at up to 55 miles per hour.  Wild turkeys are also fast on the ground, running at speeds of up to 25 miles per hour.

* A large group of turkeys is called a flock.

* Only male turkeys (toms) gobble; females (hens) make a clicking noise.  The gobble is a seasonal call during the Spring and Fall.  Hens are attracted for mating when a tom gobbles.  Wild toms love to gobble when they hear loud sounds or settle in for the night.

* Turkeys have great hearing, a poor sense of smell, but an excellent sense of taste.  They can also see in color, and have excellent visual acuity and a wide field of vision (about 270 degrees), which makes sneaking up on them difficult.

* Turkeys are fed mainly a balanced diet of corn and soybean meal mixed with a supplement of vitamins and minerals.  On average, it takes 75-80 pounds of feed to raise a 30-pound tom turkey.

* Mature turkeys have 3,500 or so feathers at maturity.

* The Guiness Book of Records states that the largest dressed weight (cooked, with dressing) recorded for a turkey is 39.09 kg (86 lb.) on December 12, 1989.

* In 1999, about 273 million turkeys were raised in the United States.  An estimated 276 million turkeys will be raised in 2000.

* More than 45 million turkeys are cooked and eaten during Thanksgiving.

* The average weight of turkeys purchased for Thanksgiving is 15 pounds.  A 15-pound turkey typically has about 70% white meat and 30% dark meat.

* Americans feast on approximately 535 million pounds of turkey on Thanksgiving.

* Last year 2.74 billion pounds of turkey were processed in the United States.

* Californians are the biggest turkey eaters in the country.  They eat three pounds more turkey than the average American consumer.

* Ninety percent of American homes eat turkey on Thanksgiving.  Fifty percent eat turkey on Christmas.

* The good old-fashioned turkey sandwich is the most popular way for Americans to prepare the fowl, accounting for 44 percent of consumption.

* North Carolina produces 61 million turkeys annually, more than any other state.  Minnesota and Arkansas are number two and three.

* When U.S.  astronauts Neil Armstrong and Edwin Aldrin sat down to eat their first meal on the moon in their historic 1969 voyage, their foil food packets contained roasted turkey and all the trimmings.

* In the last twenty years, Americans' love of turkey has soared.  Consumption based upon USDA data indicates:

Year
Annual Per Capita Turkey
Consumption - Boneless Wt.
1980
8.1 lb.
1985
9.2 lb.
1990
13.9 lb.
1995
14.3 lb
1999
17.95 lb.
2001
18 lb.

QUOTES:
If you accept the expectations of others, especially negative ones, then you never will change the outcome.
--Michael Jordan

If you think you can, you can. And if you think you can't, you're right.
--Henry Ford

Don't forget that little emotions are the great captains of our lives.
--Vincent Van Gogh

When we tire of well-worn ways, we seek for new. This restless craving in the souls of men spurs them to climb and to seek the mountain view.
--Ella Wheeler Wilcox

True friendship is seen through the heart, not through the eyes.
--Unknown

One only needs two tools in life: WD-40 to make things go and duct tape to make them stop.
--G.M. Weilacher

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.  Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
--Scott Adams

If you can learn from hard knocks, you can also learn from soft touches.
--Carolyn Kenmore

Be of good cheer. Do not think of today's failures, but of the success that may come tomorrow. You have set yourselves a difficult task, but you will succeed if you persevere and you will find a joy in overcoming obstacles.
--Helen Keller

Simplicity, clarity, singleness: these are the attributes that give our lives power and vividness and joy.
--Richard Halloway
 

CHUCKLES & BELLY LAUGHS:
Don't Be Nervous    C. Wayne Wert sent this one.
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it"?
"Don't be nervous, son. Do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well and if something happens to me, your mother is going to come live with you and your wife."

 
 
This one from Dawn Brown.
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop.  The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, look at this engine.  I can open it up, take the valves out, fix'em, put in new parts, and when I finish, this will work just like new.  So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money when we do basically the same work?"
The surgeon leaned over and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it while the engine is still running."

 
 
Trickery     This one from Just For Grins. 
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son, Bob, in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I'm sick of her and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her." 
He then hangs up.
The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news.
She calls her father and yells, "You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a single thing, do you hear me"?
The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife and says, "It worked! The kids are coming for a visit and they're paying their own way!"

 
 
Bud Casselberry forwarded these cuties.
STORY OF ELIJAH 
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal.  She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar.  And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar.  He had them do this four times "Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?" A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know!  I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"

LOT'S WIFE 
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied David.  "How could he, with just two worms?"

HIGHER POWER 
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, " We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times.  But, there is a higher power.  Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!"

MOSES & THE RED SEA 
Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.  "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.  When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.  Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements.  They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.  "Well, no, Mom.  But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"


 
 
Gary Clark sent this one.
Bubba says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Boss says, "Where did you get that, Bubba?"
"Catfish's wife gave it to me," Bubba replies.
"That's unbelievable. You told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", Bubba says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, You must be Catfish's widow'."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are".
GROANERS:
 
Aptitude Test  This one from Just For Grins.
Bob meets Bill at the bar after work and is looking down in the dumps.
"What's wrong now Bob"? asked Bill.
Bob replies, "They called in a management team and gave everyone in the office an aptitude test to see what they were best suited for."
"Yeah, so what's the problem with that"? asks Bill.
Bob sighs, "Well, it seems I'm best suited for unemployment."

 
 
Daughter Wendy or Son In Law Keith sent this one. (Neither wants to own up to it.)
TWO BROOMS Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.  The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.  The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.
"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

 
 
Bud Casselberry sent this one and the next one and the next one.
 
Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.
Saul the banker says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well."
Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid.  So Morty begins tugging Saul toward shore. 
After twenty minutes Morty begins to tire.
Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"
Saul replies, "Morty, this is a heck of a time to be asking for money!"

 
A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.
His father picks up the phone and dials a number at random.  When the phone is answered, he asks, "Can I speak to Bill, please?"
"No!  There's no one called Bill here," says the person who answered the phone.
His father hangs up.  "That's irritation," he says.
He picks up the phone again, dials the same number, and asks for Bill a second time.
"No, there's no one here called Bill.  Go away.  If you call again I shall telephone the police," the person says.
His father hangs up and says, "That's aggravation."
"Then what's frustration?" asks his son. 
The father picks up the phone and dials the same number a third time.
"Hello, this is Bill.  Have I received any phone calls?" he asks casually.

 
 
Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, and holding a staff.  President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?"
The man didn't answer.  He just kept staring straight ahead.
The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.
The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the President.
The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?"
The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.
"Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak.  Watch!" Again the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.
The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses.  Are you Moses?"
The man leaned over and whispered back, "Yes, I am Moses.  However, the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East where there is no oil."

 
 
Left over Halloween Groaners.  Dr Bill Hamm sent these to Bud

Why did the vampire go to hospital?
He wanted his ghoulstones removed!

Where do ghosts live?
In a terror-tory!

What is a ghost proof cycle?
One with no spooks in it!

What do you call a ghost who stays out all night?
A fresh air freak!

What happened to the skeleton who was swallowed by a big fish?
He had a whale of a time!

What do young ghouls write their homework in?
Exorcise books!

What happened when the ghosts went on strike?
A skeleton staff took over!

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