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 09/24/06  &  10/01/06

TRIVIA:
QUOTES:
CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS

TRIVIA: Better label = Tips and Hints!  Thanks to Bud Casselberry.
Reheat Pizza
Heat up leftover pizza in a non-stick skillet on top of the stove, set heat to med-low and heat till warm. This keeps the crust crispy. No soggy micro pizza. I saw this on the cooking channel and it really works.

Easy Deviled Eggs
Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag. Seal, mash till they are all broken up. Add remainder of ingredients, reseal, keep mashing it up mixing thoroughly, cut the tip of the baggy, squeeze mixture into egg. Just throw bag away when done easy clean up.

Expanding Frosting
When you buy a container of cake frosting from the store, whip it with your mixer for a few minutes. You can double it in size. You get to frost more cake/cupcakes with the same amount. You also eat less sugar/calories per serving.

Reheating refrigerated bread
To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place them in a microwave with a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food moist and help it reheat faster.

Newspaper weeds away
Start putting in your plants, work the nutrients in your soil. Wet
newspapers:  put layers around the plants overlapping as you go cover with mulch and forget about weeds. Weeds will get through some gardening plastic they will not get through wet newspapers.

Broken Glass
Use a dry cotton ball to pick up little broken glass pieces of glass - the fibers catch ones you can't see!

No More Mosquitoes
Place a dryer sheet in your pocket. It will keep the mosquitoes away.

Squirrel Away
To keep squirrels from eating your plants sprinkle your plants with cayenne pepper. The cayenne pepper doesn't hurt the plant and the squirrels won't come near it.

Easier Thank You's
When you throw a bridal/baby shower, buy a pack of thank you cards for the guest of honor. During the party, pass out the envelopes and have everyone put their address on one. When the bride/new mom sends the thank you's, they're all addressed!

MINE!!!!!
If you purchase a new bike for your child, place their picture inside the handle bar before placing the grips on. If the bike is stolen and later recovered, remove the grip and there is your proof who owns the bike.

Flexible vacuum
To get something out of a heat register or under the fridge add an empty paper towel roll or empty gift wrap roll to your vacuum. It can be bent or flattened to get in narrow openings.

Reducing Static Cling
Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a clingy skirt or dress. Same thing works with slacks that cling when wearing panty hose. Place pin in seam of slacks and - voila - static is gone.

Measuring Cups
Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill it with hot water. Dump out the hot water, but don't dry the cup. Next, add your ingredient, such as peanut butter, and watch how easily it comes right out.

Foggy Windshield?
Hate foggy windshields? Buy a chalkboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of your car. When the windows fog, rub with the eraser! Works better than a cloth!

Reopening envelope
If you seal an envelope and then realize you forgot to include something inside, just place your sealed envelope in the freezer for an hour or two.  Voila! It unseals easily.

Conditioner
Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It's a lot cheaper than
shaving cream and leaves your legs really smooth. It's also a great way to use up the conditioner you bought but didn't like when you tried it in your hair...

Good-bye Fruit Flies
To get rid of pesky fruit flies, take a small glass fill it 1/2" with Apple
Cider Vinegar and 2 drops of dishwashing liquid, mix well. You will find those flies drawn to the cup and gone forever!

Get Rid of Ants
Put small piles of cornmeal where you see ants. They eat it, take it "home,"  & can't digest it so it kills them. It may take a week or so, esp. if it rains, but it works & you don't have the worry about pets or small children being harmed!

Take baby powder to the beach
Keep a small bottle of baby powder in your beach bag. When you're ready to leave the beach sprinkle yourself and kids with the powder and the sand will slide right off your skin.
 
 


QUOTES:
The sign of intelligent people is their ability to control emotions by the application of reason.
--Marya Mannes

To do the useful thing, to say the courageous thing, to contemplate the beautiful thing: that is enough for one man's life.
--T.S. Eliot

Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy.
--Howard W. Newton

He who finds diamonds must grapple in mud and mire because diamonds are not found in polished stones. They are made.
--Henry B. Wilson

In times of universal deceit, telling the truth will be a revolutionary act.
--George Orwell

It is never too late to be what you might have been.
--George Eliot

CHUCKLES & BELLY LAUGHS:
High-Tech  This one from Just for Grins
Working in the Emergency Room here in our small rural community, we don't get many calls, but they do tend to be memorable.
One summer, a two-year-old boy was brought in with a cherry pit stuffed up his nostril. His mother said he was unable to blow it out and that when she tried using tweezers, it had only moved farther up into her son's nose.
I realized that the emergency equipment we had on hand was not suitable for the comfortable removal of the object from such a small patient, but I'd been taught early on in medical school that a paper clip bent to just the right angle and then curved slightly, could often be looped behind an object to help extract it.
Finding a large clip, I bent it accordingly and managed to extract the cherry pit successfully.
The little boy's mother looked at me and smiled. "That's why we came to the hospital," she explained, "So we could have access to all the modern, high-tech equipment."

 
 
 
This could be touchy to some but I think it is cute -- tongue - in - cheek - of course.
A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, "I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"
St. Peter said, "That's a question only God can answer."
So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked, "God, please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"
God simply replied "You are what you are."
The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, "Well, did God straighten out your query for you?"
The zebra looked puzzled. "No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.'"
St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, "Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes."
The zebra asked St. Peter, "How do you know that for certain?"
"Because," said St. Peter, "If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, "You is what you is."

 
 
 
Telephone poll - - - Only in Fla.. 
Latest telephone poll results on whether or not people in Florida think illegal immigration is a serious problem:
41%: Yes, it is a serious problem.
59%: "No hablo ingles." 

 
 
 
Signs This one from from Bud Casselberry.
~ On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission".
~ On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
~ Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
~ At a Music Store: "Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner."
~ On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
~ On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a min-u-et."
~ In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
~ On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
~ Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
~ In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
~ On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
~ In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here." 

 
 
 
Here are some goodies from Gary n' Patti

I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming.  Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So, which six items would you like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?!

****
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.

***
The reason congressmen try so hard to get reelected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

****
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

****
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should get used to the idea

****
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Merle commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in peoples lives."
Don said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

****
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, " God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."

****
A man goes to see the Rabbi "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to your wife...spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."


 
 
"Teacher Tech Help"  Thanks to C. Wayne Wert for this one
 The computer in my high school classroom recently started acting up. After watching me struggle with it, one of my students came up and took over. "Your hard drive crashed," he said.
I called the computer services office and explained, "My computer is down. The hard drive crashed."
"We can't just send people down on your say-so. How do you know that's the problem?"
"A student told me," I answered.
"We'll send someone over right away."

 
 
 
Children and the Bible  This is another one from Bud.

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST WHICH ASKED KIDS QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING ANSWERS BY CHILDREN HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED.
Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure? 

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY. 

GROANERS:
 
My sister Pat Hughes sent these for your enjoyment.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: 
I live in a semi-rural area.  We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason:
"Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman, KS.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.  She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
He was a Chef?
Yep...From Kansas City!

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,   "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS 

IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker.  She was leaving the company due to "downsizing."
Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun.  We should do this more often."
Not another word was spoken.
We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.  We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door.  As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.  "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!"
His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us ...  and they REPRODUCE


 
 
Penning puns:  From Dodie to Bud Casselberry.
There are some sins for which there is no forgiveness. 
Forwarding these puns  is one of them................!

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine .
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your Count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine has fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small Medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.


 
 
Ice Cream Flavors : Dr Bill Hamm is back in the Groaner Department.
The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked,
"What kinds of ice cream do you have?"
"Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue.
"Do you have laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically.
"Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry." 

 
 
This one from Wayne Smith.
A lawyer read the will of a rich man to the deceased's family.
"To my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave the house and $2 million."
The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1million."
The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought that I would never mention him in my will. Well, you are wrong. Hi Dan!" 


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