| The following information was featured in
the News and Views section of a recent weekly newsletter penned by a musically
talented friend and retired music instructor, Carsten, "Jon" Ahrens, who
by the way, answers to the handle "Aging Maestro."
The writing tickled my fancy so to speak.
It stimulated wonderful memories, recreated via descriptive
visualizations of individual classmates who performed in the Milton
High School Orchestra and Band, as I very briefly did during the late 50's.
My musical capabilities have eroded to my current artistic form of auditory
communication, which is unboxing a paper roll, inserting it between
two holders and pressing the "Go" button on a Player Piano. Any of
my human noises following the "Go" action does not acceptable qualify as
music. It is more in the realm of the sounds of pain. There,
I digressed.
Anyone having had associations with organized
orchestras will delightfully identify with the following descriptions of
music and the performers.
Disclaimer:
Of course there are exceptions to the norm.
Any musician who is offended by the description of their particular orchestra
seat probably qualifies as that exception. (Mike) |
 The
Honest Person's Guide to the Orchestra
The members of the orchestra are divided into
four sections.
These are: the strings, the woodwinds, the
brass, and the percussion.
 There
is also someone standing in front of all these other folks playing no instrument
at all. This person with the ego that is bigger than some of the
musicians is called the conductor. It is generally believed that
the conductor is required to make musical decisions and to hold all of
the instruments together in a cohesive interpretation of any given work.
Not so. But never tell a conductor this, because they are easily
offended. The conductor is necessary because the four groups would
rather eat Velveeta than have anything to do with someone from another
section. And as we know, musicians are quite serious about their
food. Why all the animosity? Before I begin my explanation,
let me set the record straight in plain English about some of the characteristics
which typify the four groups.
String players are neurotic prima donnas who
won't even shake your hand for fear of permanent injury. They are
known to question the musical ability of the conductor. A string
player will never look you directly in the eye and they never bathe carefully
... or often.
Woodwind players have IQs in the low- to mid-
genius range. Nerds with coke-bottle glasses and big egos, blowers
who tend to be extremely quiet, cowering behind bizarre-looking contraptions
-- their instruments -- so nobody will notice them. It is often difficult
to discern whether a woodwind player is male or female.
Brass players are loud-mouthed drunkards who
bully everyone - with the possible and occasional exception of a stray
percussionist. They like to slick their hair back. Nobody knows
why.
Percussionists are insensitive oafs who constantly
make tasteless jokes at the expense of the strings and woodwinds.
They look very good in concert attire but have the worst table manners
of all musicians. They are always male, or close enough.
Now, is it any wonder that orchestra members
have little to do with anyone outside of their own section? For the
answer to this and other pertinent questions let us examine the individual
instrument and the respective -- if not respected -- players within each
section.
THE STRINGS
Let's continue now with the real truth about
... the strings. We begin with the string family's smallest
member: the violin. The violin is a high-pitched, high-tension instrument.
It's not an easy instrument to play. Lots of hard music is written
for this instrument. Important things for a violinist to keep in
mind are: Number one -- the door to your studio should be left slightly
open so that everyone can hear your brilliant practice sessions.
Number two: you should make disparaging remarks about the other violinists
whenever possible, which is most of the time. And number three: you
should tell everyone how terribly valuable your instrument is until they
drool. Violinists have such big egos that the violin section of an
orchestra in Germany wanted their union contract re-written so that their
section would be paid “per note played” instead of “per concert” as everyone
else is paid.
The viola is a large and awkward instrument,
which when played, sounds downright disgusting. Violists are the
most insecure members of the string section. Nothing can be done
about this. Violists don't like to be made fun of and therefore find
ways of making people feel sorry for them. They wear shabby clothes
so that they'll look as if they've just been dragged under a train.
It works quite well.
People who play the cello are simply not good
looking. They have generally chosen their instrument because, while
in use, the cello hides 80% of its player's considerable bulk. Most
cellists are in analysis which won't end until they can play a scale in
tune or, in other words, never. Cellists wear sensible shoes and
always bring their own lunch.
Double bass players are almost completely harmless.
Most have worked their way up through the ranks of a large moving company
and are happy to have a secure job in a symphony orchestra or anywhere.
The fact that it takes at least ten basses to make an audible sound tends
to make these simple-minded folks disappear into their woodwork, but why
do they drive such small cars?
Harpists are gorgeous. And they always
know it. They often look good into their late eighties. Although
rare as hen's teeth, male harpists are equally beautiful. Harpists
spend their time perfecting their eye-batting, little-lost-lamb look so
they can snare unsuspecting wind players into carrying their heavy gilded
furniture around. Debussy was right; harpists spend half their life
tuning and the other half playing out of tune.
Pianists in the symphony orchestra work the
least and complain the most. They have unusually large egos and,
because they can only play seated, also have the biggest butts. When
they make mistakes, which is more often than not, their excuse is that
they have never played on that particular piano before. Oh, the poor
darlings.
THE WOODWINDS:
The Flute: Oversexed and undernourished is
the ticket here. The flute player has no easier time of getting along
with the rest of the orchestra than anyone else, but that won't stop them
from sleeping with everyone. Man or woman, makes no difference.
The only thing that flautists need to use for birth control is their personalities.
The bass flute is not even worth mentioning.
Piccolos, on the other hand, belong mainly
on the fifty yard line of a football field where the unfortunate audience
can maintain a safe distance.
Oboe players are seriously nuts. They
usually develop brain tumors from the extreme air pressure built up over
the years of playing this rather silly instrument. Oboists suffer
from a serious Santa Claus complex, spending all their waking hours carving
little wooden toys for imaginary children, although they will tell you
they are putting the finishing touches on the world's greatest reed.
Oboists can't drive and always wear clothes one size too small. They
all wear berets and have special eating requirements which are endlessly
annoying and are intended to make them seem somewhat special.
The clarinet is, without a doubt, the easiest
of all orchestral instruments to play. Clarinets are cheap, and the
reeds are literally a dime a dozen. Clarinetists have lots of time
and money for the finest wines, oriental rugs, and exotic sports cars.
They mostly have no education, interest, or talent in music, but fortunately
for them they don't need much. Clarinets come in various sizes and
keys-- nobody knows why. Don't ask a clarinetist for a loan, as they
are stingy and mean. Some of the more talented clarinetists can learn
to play the saxophone. Big deal.
English horn players are losers although they
dress
better than oboists. They cry at the drop of a beret.
Bassoon players are downright sinister.
They are your worst enemy, but they come on so sweet that it's really hard
to catch them at their game. Here's an instrument that's better seen
than heard. Bassoon players like to give the impression that theirs
is a very hard instrument to play, but the truth is that the bassoon only
plays one or two notes per piece and is therefore only heard for a minute
in any given evening. However, in order to keep their jobs -- their
only real concern -- they act up a storm doing their very best to look
busy.
It takes more brawn, and slightly less brain,
to play contrabassoon. They are available at pawnshops in large numbers
-- the instruments as well as the players -- and play the same three or
four numbers as the tuba, although not quite as loud or beautiful.
THE BRASS:
Trumpet players are the scum of the earth.
I'll admit, though, they do look good when they're all cleaned up.
They'll promise you the world, but they lie like a cheap rug. Sure,
they can play soft and pretty during rehearsal, but watch out come concert
time! They're worse than lawyers, feeding off the poor, defenseless,
weaker members of the orchestra and loving every minute of it. Perhaps
the conductor could intercede? Oh, I don't think so.
Trombone players are generally the nicest brass
players. However, they do tend to drink quite heavily and perhaps
don't shine the brightest headlights on the highway, but they wouldn't
hurt you and are the folks to call with all your pharmaceutical questions.
They don't count well, but stay pretty much out of the way anyway.
Probably because they know just how stupid they look when they play.
It's a little-known fact that trombone players are unusually good lovers.
This is true.
The French horn. I only have two words
of advice: stay away. Horn players are piranhas. They'll steal
your wallet, lunch, boyfriend, or wife or all the above given half a chance
or no chance at all. They have nothing to live for and aren't afraid
of ruining your life. The pressure is high for them. If they
miss a note, they get fired. If they don't miss a note, they rub
your nose in it and it doesn't smell so sweet.
The kind-hearted folks who play the tuba are
good-looking and smart. They'd give you the shirt off their back.
The tuba is one of the most interesting things to take in the bath with
you. It's a crying shame that there's usually only one per orchestra.
If only it could be different. They are simply the most fun musicians
to hang out with. There was once an old joke that two tuba players
walked past a bar. Although this theoretically could happen, such
an occurrence has never been documented.
THE PERCUSSION:
And finally -- the percussion. These
standoffish fools who get paid perfectly good money for blowing whistles
and hitting things that don't deserve the considerable space they are allotted
on the stage. Aside from the strange coincidence that all percussionists
hail from the Deep South, another little known, but rather revealing fact,
is there are no written percussion parts in the standard orchestral repertoire.
Percussionists do have music stands and they do use them -- to look at
girlie magazines. Percussionists play whatever and whenever they
damn well want to, and it's always too loud! Whole percussion sections
can be seen and now and then on various forms of public transportation,
where they practice getting up and down as a group. This represents
the only significant challenge to a percussionist.
The ones who have a spark of decency and intelligence
play the timpani. Most percussionists are deaf, but those who play
timpani pretend to tune their instruments for the sake of the ignorant
and easily duped conductor.
The guy with the short nose who plays the cymbals
is no Einstein, but he's also one of the best guys to share a room with
on tour. Cymbal players don't practice -- I guess they figure it's
bad enough to have to listen to those things at the concert.
And that just about does it. I trust
that this little tour has enlightened you just a little bit to the mysterious
inner world of the symphony orchestra. This world, one which is marked
by the terrible strain of simple day-to-day survival, is indeed not an
easy one. Perhaps now you will be a bit more understanding of the
difficulties which face a modern-day concert artist. And so the next
time you find yourself at the symphony, take a moment to look deeply into
the faces of the performers on the stage and imagine how much more difficult
their lives are than yours. This is surely what's on their minds ... if
anything. |