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 07/02/06  &  07/09/06


TRIVIA:
QUOTES:
CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS
TRIVIA: July 4th Fun Facts!
4th of July by the Numbers
On this day in 1776, the Declaration of Independence was approved by the Continental Congress, starting the 13 colonies on the road to freedom as a sovereign nation. As always, this most American of holidays will be marked by parades, fireworks and backyard barbecues across the country.
Patriotic Places
Number of places nationwide with "liberty" in their name. The most populous one is Liberty, Missouri (26,232). Iowa has more of these places than any other state: four (Libertyville, New Liberty, North Liberty and West Liberty).
    * Eleven places have "independence" in their name. The most populous of these is Independence, Missouri, with 113,288 residents.
    * Five places adopted the name "freedom." Freedom, California, with 6,000 residents, has the largest population among these.
    * There is one place named "patriot" — Patriot, Indiana, with a population of 202.
    * And what could be more fitting than spending the day in a place called "America"? There are five such places in the country, with the most populous being American Fork, Utah, with 21,941 residents. http://factfinder.census.gov/servlet/BasicFactsServlet

The Fourth of July Cookout
As with many holidays, the 4th of July celebration includes food, drink and the realization of how fortunate we are as a nation.

More than 66 million
Number of Americans who said they have taken part in a barbecue during the previous year. It's probably safe to assume a large number of these events took place on the Fourth.
http://www.census.gov/Press-Release/www/2003/cb03-32.html

Although we do not have a fixed menu for the celebration of the Fourth, you can almost count on traditional favorites such as hamburgers and hot dogs, chicken, ribs, garden salads, potato salad, chips and watermelon. Following is a summary of where these foods come from:
    * There's a 1-in-6 chance the beef on your backyard grill came from Texas. The Lone Star State was the leader in the production of cattle and calves, accounting for 7.2 billion pounds of the nation's total production of 42.2 billion pounds last year.
    * There's a 1-in-4 chance your hot dogs and ribs originated in Iowa. The Hawkeye State had a total inventory of 14.9 million hogs and pigs as of March 1, 2003 — about one-fourth of the nation's total.
    * The chicken on your barbecue grill probably came from one of the top broiler-producing states: Georgia, Arkansas, Alabama, North Carolina and Mississippi. The value of production in each of these states exceeded $1 billion in 2002. These states combined for well over half of the nation's broiler production.
    * The lettuce in your salad or on your hamburger probably was grown in California, which accounted for nearly three-quarters of lettuce production in 2002.
    * The fresh tomatoes in your salad most likely came from Florida or California, which, combined, produced more than two-thirds of U.S. tomatoes in 2002. The ketchup on your hamburger or hot dog probably came from California, which accounted for 95 percent of processed tomato production last year.
    * There's a 1-in-3 chance the beans in your side dish of baked beans or pork and beans came from North Dakota, which produced more than one-third of the dry, edible beans in 2002.
    * As to potato salad or potato chips or fries, Idaho and Washington produced about one-half of the nation's spuds in 2002.
    * For dessert, six states — California, Florida, Texas, Georgia, Arizona and Indiana — combined to produce about 80 percent of watermelons last year. http://www.usda.gov/nass/

Fireworks & Fourth of July Events
The value of fireworks imported from China, representing the bulk of all U.S. fireworks imports ($135.6 million) in 2002. U.S. exports of fireworks, by comparison, amounted to $13.5 million, with Germany purchasing more than any other single country ($5.0 million).

Imports of U.S. Flags
The dollar value of U.S. imports of American flags in 2002; more than half of this amount ($5.2 million) was for U.S. flags made in China. This was down from the 2001 dollar value of U.S. flag imports ($51.7 million), but still considerably higher than the total for 2000 ($747,800). That was the last full year prior to Sept. 11.

Dollar value of exports of U.S. flags in 2002. Japan was the leading customer, purchasing $86,189 worth.

Number of U.S. flags flown over the U.S. Capitol during 2004 year at the request of House and Senate members. On July 4 alone, 1,200 were flown at our nation's capitol. (From the U.S. Capitol Flag Room.)

Annual dollar value of shipments of fabricated flags, banners and similar emblems by the nation's manufacturers, according to the latest economic census (1997) for which there is published data. http://www.census.gov/prod/ec97/97m3149e.pdf

Coming to America
32.5 million
The number of foreign-born residents in the United States in 2002; they accounted for 11.5 percent of the nation's total population. http://www.census.gov/Press-Release/www/2003/cb03-42.html
    * More than 1-in-3 foreign-born residents were naturalized U.S. citizens.
    * Six states had estimated foreign-born populations of 1 million or more: California (8.8 million), New York (3.6 million), Florida (2.8 million), Texas (2.4 million), New Jersey (1.2 million) and Illinois (1.2 million).
    * Among the foreign-born population, 52 percent were born in Latin America, 26 percent in Asia, 14 percent in Europe and the remaining 8 percent in other regions of the world, such as Africa and Oceania.
 
 


QUOTES:
"To be prepared for war is one of the most effectual means of preserving the peace."
--George Washington

"The brave man inattentive to his duty, is worth little more to his country, than the coward who deserts her in the hour of danger."
--Andrew Jackson

"Gentlemen may cry, peace, peace-but there is no peace. The war is actually begun! The next gale that sweeps from the north will bring to our ears the clash of resounding arms! Our brethren are already in the field! Why stand we here idle? What is it that gentlemen wish? What would they have? Is life
so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty, or give me death!"
--Patrick Henry

"No government ought to be without censors; and where the press is free no one ever will."
--Thomas Jefferson

"The people's government, made for the people, made by the people, and answerable to the people."
--Daniel Webster

"God grants liberty only to those who love it, and are always ready to guard it and defend it."
--Daniel Webster

"The boisterous sea of liberty is never without a wave."
--Thomas Jefferson

"One man with courage makes a majority."
--Andrew Jackson

"We hold these truths to be sacred and undeniable; that all men are created equal and independent, that from that equal creation they derive rights inherent and inalienable, among which are the preservation of life, and liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."
--Thomas Jefferson

There are no necessary evils in government. Its evils exist only in its abuses.If it would confine itself to equal protection, and, as Heaven does its rains, shower its favors alike on the high and the low, the rich and the poor, it would be an unqualified blessing."
--Andrew Jackson

"When angry, count ten, before you speak; if very angry, an hundred."
--Thomas Jefferson

"Few men have virtue to withstand the highest bidder."
--George Washington
 

CHUCKLES & BELLY LAUGHS:
The Fourth of July weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free." One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said. . . .
"I'm not free. I'm four." 

 
 
Independence Day By Dave Barry as appeared in "The Miami Herald", June 26, 1998 

This year, why not hold an old-fashioned Fourth of July Picnic?

Food poisoning is one good reason.  After a few hours in the sun, ordinary potato salad can develop bacteria the size of raccoons.  But don't let the threat of agonizingly painful death prevent you from celebrating the birth of our nation, just as Americans have been doing ever since that historic first July Fourth when our Founding Fathers --
George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, Bob Dole and Tony Bennett -- landed on Plymouth Rock.

Step one in planning your picnic is to decide on a menu.  Martha Stewart has loads of innovative suggestions for unique, imaginative and tasty summer meals.  So you can forget about her.  "If Martha Stewart comes anywhere near my picnic, she's risking a barbecue fork to the eyeball"  should be your patriotic motto.  Because you're having a traditional Fourth of July picnic, and that means a menu of hot dogs charred into cylinders of industrial-grade carbon, and hamburgers so undercooked that when people try to eat them, they leap off the plate and frolic on the lawn like otters.

Dad should be in charge of the cooking, because only Dad, being a male of the masculine gender, has the mechanical "know-how" to operate a piece of technology as complex as a barbecue grill.  To be truly traditional, the grill should be constructed of the following materials:

-- 4 percent "rust-resistant" steel;
-- 58 percent rust;
-- 23 percent hardened black grill scunge from food cooked as far back as 1987 (the scunge should never be scraped off, because it is what is actually holding the grill together);
-- 15 percent spiders.


If the grill uses charcoal as a fuel, Dad should remember to start lighting the fire early (no later than April 10) because charcoal, in accordance with federal safety regulations, is a mineral that does not burn.  The spiders get a huge kick out of watching Dad attempt to ignite it; they emit hearty spider chuckles and slap themselves on all eight knees.  This is why many dads prefer the modern gas grill, which ignites at the press of a button and burns with a steady, even flame until you put food on it, at which time it runs out of gas.

While Dad is saying traditional bad words to the barbecue grill, Mom can organize the kids for a fun activity: making old-fashioned ice cream by hand, the way our grandparents' generation did.  You'll need a hand-cranked ice-cream maker, which you can pick up at any antique store for $1,875.  All you do is put in the ingredients, and start cranking!
It makes no difference what specific ingredients you put in, because --
I speak from bitter experience here -- no matter how long you crank them, they will never, ever turn into ice cream.  Scientists laugh at the very concept.  "Ice cream is not formed by cranking," they point out.  "Ice cream is formed by freezers." Our grandparents' generation wasted millions of man-hours trying to produce ice cream by hand; this is what caused the Great Depression.

When the kids get tired of trying to make ice cream (allow about 25 seconds for this) it's time to play some traditional July Fourth games.
One of the most popular is the "sack race." All you need is a bunch of old-fashioned burlap sacks, which you can obtain from the J.  Peterman catalog for $227.50 apiece.  Call the kids outside, have them line up on the lawn and give each one a sack to climb into; then shout "GO!" and watch the hilarious antics begin as, one by one, the kids sneak back indoors and resume trying to locate pornography on the Internet.

Come nightfall, though, everybody will be drawn back outside by the sound of loud, traditional Fourth of July explosions coming from all around the neighborhood.  These are caused by the fact that various dads, after consuming a number of traditionally fermented beverages, have given up on conventional charcoal-lighting products and escalated to gasoline.  As the spectacular pyrotechnic show lights up the night sky, you begin to truly appreciate the patriotic meaning of the words to The Star-Spangled Banner, written by Francis Scott Key to commemorate the fledgling nation's first barbecue:

And the grill parts' red glare; Flaming spiders in air; Someone call 911; There's burning scunge in Dad's hair After the traditional visit to the hospital emergency room, it's time to gather 'round and watch Uncle Bill set off the fireworks that he purchased from a roadside stand operated by people who spend way more on tattoos than dental hygiene.  As Uncle Bill lights the firework fuse and scurries away, everybody is on pins and needles until, suddenly and dramatically, the fuse goes out.  So Uncle Bill re-lights the fuse and scurries away again, and the fuse goes out again, and so on, with Uncle Bill scurrying back and forth with his Bic lighter like a deranged Olympic torchbearer until, finally, the fuse burns all the way down, and the firework, emitting a smoke puff the size of a grapefruit, makes a noise -- "phut" -- like a squirrel passing gas.  Wow!  What a fitting climax for your traditional old-fashioned July Fourth picnic!

Next year you'll go out for Chinese food.


 
 
VIA the eyes and minds of top cartoonists!
Cartoons: Independence Day 2004
http://humor.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?zi=1/XJ&sdn=humor&zu=http%3A%2F%2Fcagle.slate.msn.com%2Fnews%2FJuly4th2004%2Fmain.asp
GROANERS:
 
 
Wayne Smith sent this groaner...He should be strung up for this one.
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had.
After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs.
She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael and this is Brother Charles."
"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what"?
Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
She turns to the other brother and says, "Then you must be"?
"Yes, I'm the chip monk."

 
 
Sue Clements sent this one.
Boss Asks Employee: "Do you believe that there is Life After Death?"
Employee: "Certainly not, there's no Proof of it" he replied.
Boss: "Well, there is now. After you left early yesterday to go to your
brother's funeral, he came here looking for you.....

 
 
Gary Clark sent this one.  He should be swinging beside Wayne. I deserve to be there too for publishing them.
"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something, if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no!"
"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I ask for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because you're at 84 Lumber!"

 
 
What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
The Americans licked the British!

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

Why did the British cross the Atlantic?
To get to the other tide!

What do you call a parade of German mercenaries?
A Hessian procession!

What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog?
Yankee Poodle!

Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!

What would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed?
The Fodder of Our Country!

What's red, white, blue, and almost as ugly as a dog?
A revolutionary warthog!

What was Thomas Jefferson's favorite dessert?
Monti jello!

Teacher: "Which son of old Virginia wrote the Declaration of Independence?"
Student: "I think it was Thomas Jeffer's son."

What did King George think of the American colonists?
He thought they were revolting!

Why were the early American settlers like ants?
Because they lived in colonies.

What famous pig signed the Declaration of Independence?
John Hamcock!

What would you get if you crossed the American national bird with Snoopy?
A bald beagle!

What would you get if you crossed a colonial hairpiece with a teepee?
A powdered wigwam!

What did the visitor say as he left the Statue of Liberty?
"Keep in torch!"

What's big, cracked, and carries your luggage?
The Liberty Bellhop!

What ghost haunted King George III?
The spirit of '76!

Did you hear about the cartoonist in the Continental Army?
He was a Yankee doodler!

What would you get if you crossed a monster with Yankee Doodle?
Yankee Doofus!

What's red, white, blue, and green?
A patriotic pickle!

What's red, white, blue and green?
A seasick Uncle Sam!

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