TRIVIA:
QUOTES:
CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS

TRIVIA: Bud Casselberry forwarded these gems.
Home REMEDIES   Did You Know That:
Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately -- without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional "pain relievers."

Did you know that
Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns.
Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.

Achy muscles from a bout of the flu?
Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles.

Sore throat?
Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.

Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms.  Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly -- even though the product was never been advertised for this use. (Note: Alka-Seltzer Plus Cold Medicine is not the same..and contains aspirin, which can cause stomach bleeding if you have ulcers.)

Honey remedy for skin blemishes...
Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing.  Works overnight.

Listerine therapy for toenail fungus...
Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.

Easy eyeglass protection...
To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.

Coca-Cola cure for rust...
Forget those expensive rust removers. Just saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola and scrub the rust stain.  The phosphoric acid in the coke is what gets the job done.

Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer...
If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula409.  Insects drop to the ground instantly.

Smart splinter remover...just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue.

Hunt's tomato paste boil cure....cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.

Balm for broken blisters...To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine .. a powerful antiseptic.

Heinz vinegar to heal bruises... Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour.  The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.

Kills fleas instantly.
Dawn dish washing liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations.  Goodbye fleas.
Rainy day cure for dog odor... Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.

Eliminate ear mites... All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn oil in your cat's ear. Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.

Quaker Oats for fast pain relief....It's not for breakfast anymore! Mix 2 cups of QuakerOats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.

QUOTES:
I think the purpose of life is to be useful, to be responsible, to be honorable, to be compassionate. It is, after all: to matter, to count, to stand for something, to have made some difference that you lived at all.
--Leo. C. Rosten

Intelligent is a term used to describe someone who agrees with you.
--Unknown

Not every one of our desires can be immediately gratified. We've got to learn to wait patiently for our dreams to come true, especially on the path we've chosen. But while we wait, we need to prepare symbolically a place for our hopes and dreams.
--Sarah Ban Breathnach

Even if you are the on right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.
--Will Rogers

Perfection is not attainable. But if we chase perfection, we can catch excellence.
--Vince Lombardi

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second best policy.
--George Carlin

The fireworks begin today. Each diploma is a lighted match, each one of you is a fuse.
--Ed Koch

Graduation is only a concept. In real life, every day you graduate. Graduation is a process that goes on until the last day of your life. If you can grasp that, you'll make a difference.
--Arie Pencovici

I think sleeping was my problem in school. If school had started at 4:00 in the afternoon, I'd be a college graduate today.
--George Foreman

CHUCKLES & BELLY LAUGHS:

The Blonde Gets Even   From Just For Grins A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store"? "No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up and running boards are two slices of crisp bacon." "Oh, okay!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie"? She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!

 
 

The Poor Tailor  This one from Wayne Smith Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen. One day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant for 'enjoyment of food.' So, he went to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from them. The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it." Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it." The judge turns to Abraham and said, "What do you have to say to that"? Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside. The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that"? Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."

 
 

Two Pilots  Gary n' Patti for this gem. Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle.  Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.  The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.  None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.  As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.  The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and, soon, all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

GROANERS:
 

Pizza Coupon  I found this one in Bud's Joke Page Dispatching her ten-year-old son to pick up a pizza, my sister handed him money and a two-dollar coupon. Later he came home with the pizza, and the coupon. When asked to explain, he replied, "Mom, I had enough money. I didn't need the coupon."

 
 

Good Dentist?  This one from Good Clean Fun. A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. The other remarked that he too had gone to Dr.  Taylor a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said.  "Did he do a good job?" "Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said.  "The ball must have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."

 
 

Gary 'n Patti sent this one. It is a cute groaner. Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.  The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body: A Frenchman, 72, died of heart failure while with his mistress.  Hence the enormous smile." "Second body: Irishman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whisky Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile. The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one.  Danny Earl, the Redneck from Arkansas, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken."

 
 

Fred Dietz + Dick Wamsley sent this to Bud Casselberry.  He forwarded it to me.  And now you got it. Wolff Kissinger was a spy.  He was the bane of the Nazis during the war, for although they sought him everywhere, they were never able to lay a hand, bullet or poisoned dart on him. The reason was that Wolff was a master of disguise.  Once he was an old flower woman, calling out her posies in a quavery voice.  Then her bouquet exploded with a deadly cloud and Kissinger's opposite number lay still in the street. Wolff and his disguises ran the gamut from Oriental merchant to English squire to Portuguese sailor to African tribesman.  There was no role he could not play to perfection.  His makeup was wondrous and his flair for dialect gifted. Meanwhile, back at Berlin HQ, the top brass of German Intelligence met to see if they could set an unbeatable trap for the Allies' most valuable undercover agent.  Despite their brilliance they had no idea at all what guise their quarry would affect next.  What was the point when he might just as easily be a Rommel aide or Mussolini's second in command? Sighed one of the Nazi leaders as the vexing problem was pondered, "I wonder who's Kissinger now?"

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