KCNET NEWSLETTER
 FUN PAGE
 04/30/06  &  05/07/06

TRIVIA:
QUOTES:
CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS

13 Individuals change to 12 and back to 13 again--How?

TRIVIA:
Did You Know That:
Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately -- without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional "pain relievers."

Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns.

Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.

Achy muscles from a bout of the flu?
Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles.

Sore throat?
Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.

Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms.  Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly -- even though the product was never been advertised for this use. (Note: Alka-Seltzer Plus Cold Medicine is not the same..and contains aspirin, which can cause stomach bleeding if you have ulcers.)

Honey remedy for skin blemishes...
Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing.  Works overnight.

Listerine therapy for toenail fungus...
Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.

Easy eyeglass protection...
To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.

Coca-Cola cure for rust...
Forget those expensive rust removers. Just saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola and scrub the rust stain.  The phosphoric acid in the coke is what gets the job done.

Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer...
If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula409.  Insects drop to the ground instantly.

Smart splinter remover...just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue.

Hunt's tomato paste boil cure....cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.

Balm for broken blisters...To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine .. a powerful antiseptic.

Heinz vinegar to heal bruises... Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour.  The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.

Kills fleas instantly.
Dawn dish washing liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations.  Goodbye fleas.
Rainy day cure for dog odor... Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.

Eliminate ear mites... All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn oil in your cat's ear. Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.

Quaker Oats for fast pain relief....It's not for breakfast anymore! Mix 2 cups of QuakerOats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.
 
 

QUOTES:
"Football isn't a contact sport, it's a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport."
     --Duffy Daugherty

"You're never as good as everyone tells you when you win, and you're never as bad as they say when you lose."
     --Lou Holtz

"I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable to sit still in a room."
     --Blaise Pascal

"There are two types of people--those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am!' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
     --Frederick Collins

"It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature."
     --Steven Wright

"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day just exactly fits in the newspaper."
     --Jerry Seinfield

"Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half."
     --Gore Vidal

 "If you can dream it, you can do it."
     -- Walt [Walter Elias] Disney

"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."
     -- Walt [Walter Elias] Disney

"We have met the enemy and he is us."
     -- Walt [Walter Elias] Disney
 
 

CHUCKLES & BELLY LAUGHS:
 
 

Toddler Miracle Diet  Wayne Smith sent this one.  So true these little tidbits. People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation ( the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets or quit after three days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years, you may have noticed that most two years olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult you doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good luck! Day One Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat two bites of egg using your fingers, dump the rest on the floor. Take one bite of toast then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips and a glass of milk ( three sips only, then spill the rest). Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, four sips of flat Pepsi. Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor. Day Two Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half a bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired. Afternoon Snack: Lick an all day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug. Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes, eat with a spoon. Day Three Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk, drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of your best chair. Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up. Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through nose, if possible. Final Day Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog. Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it. Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

 
 

The Dress  Just for Grins featured this one.  It made me chuckle. Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the perfect dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother's! Jennifer asked the new wife to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress and I'm wearing it," she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress"? "You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it." Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding!"

 
 

Supposedly answers submitted by youngsters while taking a Catholic school test.  I apologize for the CAPS. (I'm too lazy to retype) - Mike These gems from Dodie to Bud Casselberry and he shared them with a few friends. Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintaining her composure? PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING.  IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS!  IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.  KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS.  THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN.  THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED.  INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN. 1.  IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS.  GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF. 2.  ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE.  NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS. 3.  LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT. 4.  THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS. 5.  SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH. 6.  SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES. 7.  MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS. 8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT.  AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. 9.  THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE. 10.  THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.  11.  MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA.  THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL. 12.  THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM. 13.  DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR.  HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES. 14.  SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES. 15.  WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA 16.  WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER. 17.  JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION. 18.  ST.  JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD. 19.  JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU.  HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE. 20.  IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE. 21.  THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS. 22.  THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES. 23.  ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST.  MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN. 24.  ST.  PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRIAGE. 25.  CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE.  THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY

 
 

A Night Out  Also from the Just For Grins Page. While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table and we started talking. He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them. With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family. I said, "No, I also work, out of our home." Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in. "He was born at home," I answered. The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you"?

 
 

This is another all CAPS, but still cute.  Thanks to Gary Smith for this one. A FATHER WAS PASSING BY HIS SONS BEDROOM AND BECAME ASTONISHED TO SEE THE BED WAS NICELY MADE AND EVERYTHING WAS PICKED UP. THEN HE SAW AN ENVELOPE PROPPED UP PROMINENTLY ON THE CENTER OF THE BED.  IT WAS ADDRESSED, "DAD." WITH THE WORST PREMONITION, HE OPENED THE ENVELOPE AND READ THE LETTER WITH TREMBLING HANDS: DEAR DAD: IT IS WITH GREAT REGRET AND SORROW THAT I'M WRITING THIS.  I HAD TO ELOPE WITH MY NEW GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE I WANTED TO AVOID A SCENE WITH MOM AND YOU. I'VE BEEN FINDING REAL PASSION WITH BARBARA AND SHE IS SO NICE EVEN WITH ALL HER PIERCING, TATTOOS, AND HER TIGHT MOTORCYCLE CLOTHES.  BUT IT'S NOT ONLY THE PASSION, DAD - SHE'S PREGNANT AND BARBARA ASSURES ME THAT WE WILL BE VERY HAPPY. EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T CARE FOR HER SINCE SHE IS SO MUCH OLDER THAN I AM, SHE ALREADY OWNS A TRAILER IN THE WOODS AND HAS A STACK OF FIREWOOD ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE WINTER.  SHE WANTS TO HAVE MANY MORE CHILDREN WITH ME AND THAT'S NOW ONE OF MY DREAMS TOO. BARBARA TAUGHT ME THAT MARIJUANA DOESN'T REALLY HURT ANYONE AND WE'LL BE GROWING IT FOR OURSELVES AND TRADING IT WITH HER FRIENDS FOR ALL THE COCAINE AND ECSTASY WE NEED.  IN THE MEANTIME, WE PRAY THAT SCIENCE WILL FIND A CURE FOR AIDS SO THAT BARBARA CAN GET BETTER - SHE SURE DESERVES IT!! DON'T WORRY, DAD, I'M 15 YEARS OLD NOW AND I KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.  SOMEDAY I'M SURE WE'LL BE BACK TO VISIT SO YOU CAN GET TO KNOW YOUR GRANDCHILDREN. YOUR SON, JOHN  P.S.  DAD, NONE OF THIS IS TRUE.  I'M OVER AT BILLY'S HOUSE.  I JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU THAT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE THAN MY REPORT CARD WHICH IS IN MY DESK CENTER DRAWER. I LOVE YOU! PSS: CALL WHEN IT'S SAFE FOR ME TO COME HOME.

 
 

Cool Reaction.  This one may be a rerun for some but a reread will produce another chuckle. First time readers will have a gusset bust. Thanks to Herb Larson for this one. Mildred, the church gossip, And self appointed monitor of the church's morale's, Kept sticking her nose into other people's business.  Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, But feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup truck...Parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.  She emphatically told Henry and several others...That everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment...and just turned and walked away.  He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Henry quietly parked!  his pickup in front of Mildred's house...Walked home...and left it there all night.

GROANERS:
 

Janet Shields sent this Blonde gets even story.  A lawyer and a blonde woman happen to be sitting next to each other on a long flight from L.A.  to New York.  The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.  The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.  He explains how the game works.  .  . "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00.  The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer. "Okay, how about this.  If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you  $500.00.  This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.  The lawyer asks the first question.  "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?"  The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.  Now, it's the blonde's turn.  She asks the lawyer.  .  ."What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"  The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.  He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.  He taps into the Ai!  r-ph!  one with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress.  Frustrated he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows.  All to no avail.  After  over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.  The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who cannot imagine what the answer is, and is going nuts trying to figure it out, is more than a little frustrated!  He wakes the blonde and asks.  "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

 
 

Gary Clark for this one. A Wisconsin story All of his life Olle had heard stories of an amazing family tradition.  It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. So when Olle's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake.  Olle stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!  Corky just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Olle went to see his grandmother.  "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked into Olle's eyes and said, "Because, you dumbster, your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July."

 
 

Three Pigs out to dinner.  I call it "The Designated Pig."  (Mike)   Sue Clements sent this one. Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.  The waiter came and took their drink order. "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy. "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy. The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner. "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy. "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy. The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. "I want a banana split," said the first piggy. "I want a root beer float," said the second piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy. "Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"  but why have you only ordered beer all evening?" The third piggy says - "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

 
 

Another rerun.  Got it from Jon Ahrens, my sister Pat Hughes, and Sue Clements.  It makes me groan every time I read it. A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

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