KCNET NEWSLETTER
 FUN PAGE
 04/16/06  &  04/23/06


TRIVIA:
QUOTES:
CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS

TRIVIA: Thanks to an email from Bud Casselberry  (Neither Bud nor I have established the validity of the statements below.  But they look OK.  If you find a discrepancy please let me know.)

Alaska:
More than half of the coastline of the entire United States is in Alaska.

Amazon:
The Amazon rain forest produces more than 20 percent of the world's oxygen supply. The Amazon River pushes so much water into the Atlantic Ocean that ~ more than one hundred miles at sea, off the mouth of the river  one can dip fresh water out of the ocean. The volume of water in the Amazon River is greater than the next eight largest rivers in the world combined and three times the flow of all rivers in the United States

Antarctica:
Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country. 90% of the world's ice covers Antarctica. This ice also represents 70% of all the fresh water in the world. As strange as it sounds, Antarctica is essentially a desert. The average yearly precipitation is about two inches. Although covered with ice (all but 0.4 percent of it), Antarctica is the driest place on the planet, with an absolute humidity lower than the Gobi desert

Brazil:
Brazil got its name from the nut, not the other way around.

Canada:
Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined. Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village."

Chicago:
Next to Warsaw, Chicago has the largest Polish population in the world.

Detroit:
Woodward Ave. in Detroit, Michigan, carries the designation M - 1, because it was the first paved road anywhere.

Damascus:
Damascus, Syria, was flourishing a couple of thousand years before Rome was founded in 753 BC, making it the oldest continuously inhabited city in existence.

Istanbul:
Istanbul, Turkey is the only city in the world located on two continents.

New York City:
The term "The Big Apple" was coined by touring jazz musicians of the 1930's who used the slang expression "apple" for any town or city. Therefore, to play New York City is to play the big time, The Big Apple. There are more Irish in New York City than in Dublin, Ireland, more Italians in New York City than in Rome, Italy, and more Jews in New York City than in Tel Aviv, Israel.

Wilderness:
Percentage of Africa that is wilderness 28%. Percentage of North America that is wilderness 38%.

Ohio:
There are no natural lakes in the state of Ohio, every one is man-made.

Rome:
The first city to reach a population of 1 million people was Rome, Italy in 133 B.C. There is a city called Rome on every continent.

Siberia:
Siberia contains more than 25 percent of the world's forests.

SMOM:
The smallest sovereign entity in the world is the Sovereign Military Order of Malta (SMOM). It is located in the city of Rome, Italy, has an area of two tennis courts, and as of 2001 has a population of 80, 20 less people than the Vatican. It is a sovereign entity under international law, as is the Vatican.

Sahara Desert:
In the Sahara Desert, there is a town named Tidikelt, which did not receive a drop of rain for ten years.

St. Paul:
St. Paul, Minnesota was originally called Pigs Eye after a man named Pierre "Pig's Eye" Parrant who set up the first business there (bootlegging).

Roads:
Chances that a road is unpaved in the USA is 1 percent   Chances that a road is unpaved in Canadais 75 percent.

United States:
The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are meant to be usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
 


QUOTES: When an insult was an INSULT -- Fred Deitz found this collection.

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
--Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
--Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
--Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
--William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
--Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
--Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
--Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
--Groucho Marx

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
--James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
--Charles, Count Talleyrand

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
--Mark Twain

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
--Oscar Wilde

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
--Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."
--George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...if there is one."
--Winston Churchill, in reply

"A sheep in sheep's clothing."
--Winston Churchill, on Clement Atlee

"There but for the grace of God, goes God."
--Winston Churchill, on Stafford Cripps

"He occasionally stumbled over the truth, but hastily picked himself and hurried on as if nothing had happened."
--Winston Churchill, on Stanley Baldwin


 
CHUCKLES & BELLY LAUGHS:
This one is from Wayne Smith.  It borders on classic, similar to the Exercise For Birthday Story, the Chili 
Taster's Tale or the First Day of Retirement.  I'll post the  Exercise story and a couple of other dandies but the Chili Taster's Tale and First Day of Retirement are a bit too hot for this page.  (I'll consider emailing them on an individual request basis.)

Toddler Miracle Diet
People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation ( the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets or quit after three days.

Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years, you may have noticed that most two years olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult you doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good luck!

Day One
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat two bites of egg using your fingers, dump the rest on the floor. Take one bite of toast then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips and a glass of milk ( three sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, four sips of flat Pepsi.
Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

Day Two
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half a bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon Snack: Lick an all day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes, eat with a spoon.

Day Three
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk, drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of your best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through nose, if possible.

Final Day
Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert. 


 
 
Exercise for Birthday   Thanks to Ruth Copenhaver.  I suggest that you sit to read this and you might need a seat belt because this one is a real ripper.

EXERCISING 
For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club.  Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it.  I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and an athletic clothing model.  My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

DAY 1   They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week.
Started the morning at 6:00 a.m.  Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me.  She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile.
She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.  She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points.  Enjoyed watching the aerobics class.  Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit-ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her.  This is going to be GREAT!!

DAY 2   Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it.  Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air.  Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake!  Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile.  Her smile made it all worth it.  Muscles feel GREAT!

DAY 3   The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.  I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals.  Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer.  I parked on top of a Volkswagon.  Tanya was little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members.  The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster.  Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators?  Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer.
I can't imagine anything worse.

DAY 4   Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl.  I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes.  She wanted me to lift dumbbells.
NOT A CHANCE, TANYA!!  The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason.  I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me.  As punishment she made me try the rowing machine.  It sank.

DAY 5   I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.  If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain, I would hit her with it.  She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps.  Well I have news for you Tanya.  I don't have triceps, and if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells.  I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage.  YOU went to sadist school.  YOU are to blame.  She had the treadmill set so fast it flung me back into a phys.ed teacher, which hurt like crazy.  Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or home economics?

DAY 6   Got Tanya's message on my answering machine wondering where I am.  I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

DAY 7   Well, that's the week.  Thank God that's over.  Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a free lower-colon exam or gum surgery.


 
 
Here is another classic sent by Ken Condo.  This one is so typical of dealing with insurance folks.
This is an actual bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground-and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope. 

~Based on "The Bricklayer's Lament" --  an Irish Pub Song"~


 
 
Dam Laws   The Final Classic for today and originally sent by Bud Casselberry.

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. Wait till you read this guy's response-but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries: It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions. Sincerely, David L. Price District Representative Land and Water Management Division

-----------------------------------------
This is the actual response sent back:
Dear Mr. Price,
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.
Your certified letter dated 10/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to.

I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is -- aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation-so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect.

In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter they being unable to read English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003?

The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Ryan DeVries 

OF COURSE THERE ARE MORE, BUT FOR NOW,
E-NUFF SAID FOR THE CLASSICS!!!!

GROANERS:

                              Some are reruns but still groanie

Gary n' Patti sent this one.
A football coach of an all Redneck team walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there.  So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."
The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate...  what is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "Four?"
"Four?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.
At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

 
 
Herb Budinger recommended this one. 
Billy Bob and Jethro decide to go ice fishing.
After arriving at the lake early in the morning, they cut two holes in the lake and drop in their lines in the water.
After fishing for a few hours, Billy Bob has caught dozens of fish while Jethro hasn't even gotten a bite.
Jethro asks, "Billy Bob, what's your secret?" Billy Bob answers, "Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm."
Jethro asks, "What did you say?" Billy Bob answers, "Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm."
Jethro again asks, "What?" Billy Bob spits into his hand and says, "You gotta keep the worms warm!" 

 
 
The Adventures of Ole    I really liked this one from Wayne Smith.
Sven and Ole walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yah sure! Ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1,000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says, "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."
Moments later, Knute arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis," Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and blasts the parrot. Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."

 
 
Just Like A Woman  Joe Marasco and Sue Clements sent this one.
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blond lady walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," before walking away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blond? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!." 
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