"A Bit Of Bluegrass Pickin"

TRIVIA:
QUOTES:
CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS

TRIVIA:
Interesting things to know   Thanks to Bud Casselberry for these gems.
I didn't check their validity but I'm reasonable sure they are accurate.  Well, maybe not the Astronaut one.  (Mike)
1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.
2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
3. The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle"
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily. (This is frightening).
10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
13. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
17. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time ...hence, multi-tasking was invented.)
18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!
21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!
22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (Useful info).
24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)
26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)
27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb (sign of a true civilized society ... not.)
28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples! (Guess what I'm buying on my next trip to the grocery store?)
30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.
 

QUOTES:
"Some men see things as they are and say, "Why?" I dream of things that never were and say, "Why not?"
--George Bernard Shaw:   Frequently attributed to Robert F. (Bobby) Kennedy, who used it in a speech which his brother,
        Edward F. (Teddy)  Kennedy quoted at RFK's funeral.)

"An ideal cannot wait for its realization to prove its validity."
--George Santayana:   The Life of Reason, 1905-1906

"We are all inclined to judge ourselves by our ideals; others, by their acts."
--Harold Nicolson:

 "Apathy can be overcome by enthusiasm, and enthusiasm can only be aroused by two things: first, an ideal, with takes the imagination by storm, and second, a definite intelligible plan for carrying that ideal into practice."
--Arnold Toynbee:

"Everyone should carefully observe which way his heart draws him, and then choose that way with all his strength."
--Hasidic saying:

"If you have built castles in the air your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them."
--Henry David Thoreau:

"There are times in politics when you must be on the right side and lose."
--John Kenneth Galbraith:

"Ideals are like stars: you will not succeed in touching them with your hands, but like the seafaring man on the desert of waters, you choose them as your guides, and following them you reach your destiny."
--Carl Schurz:
 

CHUCKLES & BELLY LAUGHS:

 

Let Us Pray    Bill Hamm sent this one to Bud Casselberry. As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident.  Usually when  we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son,  "We should pray." From the back seat I heard his earnest request:  "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

 
 

Airline cabin announcements  This collection came from Irishrose, Rosemary Bednarczyk All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.  Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:  1.  On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"  2.  On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights.  This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."  3.  On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.  If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.  4.  "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"  5.  "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express.  We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."  6.  As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"  7.  After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."  8.  From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.  To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.  It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."  9.  "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling.  Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.  If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.  If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."  10.  "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.  Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."  11.  "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."  12.  "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.  Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.  But please do not leave children or spouses."  13.  And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.  Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"  14.  Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking.  I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."  15.  Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.  After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.  Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"  16.  Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."  17.  An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.  The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.  Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.  She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot.  "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"  18.  After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.  Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.  And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."  19.  Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.  And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."  20.  Heard on a Southwest Airline flight.  "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."  21.  A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.  After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.  Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.  The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.  Now sit back and relax...  OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.  While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.  You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing.  You should see the back of mine.

 
 

This collection from C. Wayne Wert WHRE AM I? An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal & even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake." FAMILY 3 sisters ages 92, 94 & 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in & pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up & see." She starts up the stairs & pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head & says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," as she knocked on her wooden table for good measure. " She then yells, "I'll come up & help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." "I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!" 3 retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer." OLD FRIENDS 2 elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities & adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other & said, "Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought & thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least 3 minutes she just stared & glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" SENIOR DRIVING As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" DRIVING 2 elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection & the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman passenger was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red & they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman & said, "Mildred, do you know that we just ran through 3 red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her & said, "What! Am I driving?"

 
 

Gary Clark sent this one. A Married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour.  The wife is behind the wheel.  Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice: "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce". The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph. The husband speaks again.  "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55. He pushes his luck.  I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60 "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!" The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her:  "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice.  "No, I've got everything I need," she says. Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?" Just before they slam into the wall at 70 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles.  "The airbag."

 
 

Who did it?  Bud sent this one too. The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him. The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge, goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident. The principal replies that he knows little Johnny, as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, and if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth. Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the Regional Head of Education and relates the whole story. After listening, he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the darn wall!"

GROANERS:
 

How Much?   Another Dr. Bill Hamm A man phones a lawyer and asks, "How much would you charge for answering just three simple questions?" The lawyer replies, "A thousand dollars." "A thousand dollars!" exclaims the man.  "That's very expensive, isn't it?" "It certainly is," says the lawyer.  "Now, what's your third question?"

 
 

Dr Bill gets the credit for this one too. An uncertain and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?" "Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once." "Whom did you marry?" "Well, a woman." The lawyer bellowed angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?" To which the witness replied meekly, "My sister did."

 
 

The will to live...Bud Casselberry had this one in his Joke Newsletter. A man went to his lawyer and said "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it." The lawyer says "No problem, leave it all to me". The man looks somewhat upset ..."Well I knew you were going to take a big slice, but I want to leave some to my children too!

 
 

The Mime and the Lion  This one from Just For Grins One day, an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day, the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, help me!" but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Be quiet! Do you want to get us both fired"?

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