KCNET NEWSLETTER
 FUN PAGE
 03/05/06


TRIVIA:
QUOTES:
CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS

TRIVIA:
FABULOUS TRIVIA  My sister Pat sent this conglomeration of unnecessary information.  I've used bits and pieces of these before but I haven't seen them as one listing.  Enjoy!

In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered  into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness:
28% (now get this...)  The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:
$6,400

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour:
61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter:
Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and CharlesThomson.
Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women. (LETS HEAR IT FOR THE GIRLS!!!)

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase... "goodnight, sleep  tight."

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups.
When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow...

Don't skip this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it............

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg.The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

 
QUOTES:
Some men see things as they are and say, "Why?" I dream of things that never were and say, "Why not?"
--George Bernard Shaw:   Frequently attributed to Robert F. (Bobby) Kennedy, who used it in a speech which his brother, Edward F. (Teddy) Kennedy quoted at RFK's funeral.)

An ideal cannot wait for its realization to prove its validity.
--George Santayana:   The Life of Reason, 1905-1906

We are all inclined to judge ourselves by our ideals; others, by their acts.
--Harold Nicolson:

Everyone should carefully observe which way his heart draws him, and then choose that way with all his strength.
--Hasidic saying:

If you have built castles in the air your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them.
--Henry David Thoreau:

There are times in politics when you must be on the right side and lose.
--John Kenneth Galbraith:

Never idealize others. They will never live up to your expectations.
--Leo Buscaglia:

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same......
--Oscar Wilde - On Marriage

CHUCKLES & BELLY LAUGHS:
 
 
C Wayne Smith, Wayne Smith, Gary Clark, Dave Glossner and a couple of others sent this one. I'm wondering if there is anyone that hasn't heard this one.  Just in case...

My wife left me.
I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer.
I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up, but the other day, when she came home from shopping, and I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup, I said, "Wait a minute. I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"
She said, "I buy that makeup so I can look pretty for you."
I told her, "Heck, that's what the beer was for!"
I don't think she'll be back....


 
 
Another Little Johnny 
Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby.  Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.  When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.  Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.  His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word "ears" he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny said he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes.  Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be totally outta luck if he needed glasses!"

 
 
I've been sent this one a couple of times over the years (the OS changes).  Jon Ahrens sent it this time. I've finally decided to share it with ya'll. (Mike)

Howdy

Dear Consumers: 
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2006 Southern EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the south.
If you have one of these, you may need help understanding the commands.

The Southern EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening screen.  It reads: WINDERS 2006, with a background picture of Waylon and Willie superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Please also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic! thangs"
Instead of an error message, "Duct Tape" pops up.

 

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN Southern EDITION:
Cancel............stopdat
Reset..............try'er agin
Yes..............yep
No................nope
Find...............hunt fer it
Go to............over yonder
Back...............back yonder
Help..............hep me out here
Stop..............kwitit (WHOA!)
Start............crank'er up
Settings..........settins
Programs........ stuff at duz stuff
Documents....... .stuff ah done did

Also note that the SouthernEDITION does not recognize CAPITAL LETTERS or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 2006:
Tiperiter............a word processing program
Colerin' Book.................a graphics program
Cyferin' Mersheen...........calculator
Outhouse Paper................notepad
Inner-net.....................Microsoft explorer 6.0
Pitchers .......................a graphics viewer


We regret any inconvenience it may have caused. If you received a copy of the SouthernEDITION, you may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

I hope this helps all y'all!

Billy Bob Gates


 
 
 
 
Old golfers  Gary Clark sent this one.
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.
"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"

GROANERS:
 
Gary n' Patti for this one. 
In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.  So she went to check it out.
She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for a live interview.  "I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN.  Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years!  That's amazing!  What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.  I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a .....wall."

 
 
Secret Plot    This groaner from Herb Budinger.  Sometimes I worry about Herb.
A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist.  He finishes up one session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it."
As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, "King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the plans." 

 
 
Tim Yoho sent this one.
When Osama bin Laden died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"
Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"
James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."
The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."
The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

 
 
This one from C. Wayne Smith.
Doctor Bloomfield, who was known for extraordinary treatment
of arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane.
When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this rushed up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle!  You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect.
What did that doctor do?"
"Gave me a longer cane."
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