TRIVIA:
QUOTES:
CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS

TRIVIA:  Super Bowl trivia
How cold was it?
The 1967 NFL Championship game became known as the "Ice Bowl" because the field was a sheet of ice and the air temperature at game time was -13.
Officials tried to keep the field in Green Bay, Wis., playable by warming it with an underground electric heating grid. The halftime entertainment left without performing because the instruments were too cold to play. And officials were unable to use their whistles after the opening kickoff; when the referee blew his whistle to signal the start of play, it froze to his lips.
The Packers claimed their third-consecutive NFL title, beating the Dallas Cowboys 21-17. Green Bay went on to beat Oakland 33-14 in Super Bowl II, played Jan. 14, 1968.
 
 

Super Bowl Most Valuable Players Super Bowl I  QB  Bart Starr  Green Bay Super Bowl II  QB  Bart Starr  Green Bay Super Bowl III  QB  Joe Namath  N.Y. Jets Super Bowl IV  QB  Len Dawson  Kansas City Super Bowl V  LB  Chuck Howley  Dallas Super Bowl VI  QB  Roger Staubach  Dallas Super Bowl VII  S  Jake Scott  Miami Super Bowl VIII  RB  Larry Csonka  Miami Super Bowl IX  RB  Franco Harris  Pittsburgh Super Bowl X  WR  Lynn Swann  Pittsburgh Super Bowl XI  WR  Fred Biletnikoff  Oakland Super Bowl XII  DT  Harvey Martin  Dallas                     DE  Randy White  Dallas Super Bowl XIII  QB  Terry Bradshaw  Pittsburgh Super Bowl XIV  QB  Terry Bradshaw  Pittsburgh Super Bowl XV  QB  Jim Plunkett  Oakland Super Bowl XVI  QB  Joe Montana  San Francisco Super Bowl XVII  RB  John Riggins  Washington Super Bowl XVIII  RB  Marcus Allen  L.A. Raiders Super Bowl XIX  QB  Joe Montana  San Francisco Super Bowl XX  DE  Richard Dent  Chicago Super Bowl XXI  QB  Phil Simms  NY Giants Super Bowl XXII  QB  Doug Williams  Washington Super Bowl XXIII  WR  Jerry Rice  San Francisco Super Bowl XXIV  QB  Joe Montana  San Francisco Super Bowl XXV  RB  Ottis Anderson  NY Giants Super Bowl XXVI  QB  Mark Rypien  Washington Super Bowl XXVII  QB  Troy Aikman  Dallas Super Bowl XXVIII  RB  Emmitt Smith  Dallas Super Bowl XXIX  QB  Steve Young  San Francisco Super Bowl XXX  CB  Larry Brown  Dallas Super Bowl XXXI  KR  Desmond Howard  Green Bay Super Bowl XXXII  RB  Terrell Davis  Denver Super Bowl XXXIII  QB  John Elway  Denver Super Bowl XXXIV  QB  Kurt Warner  St. Louis Super Bowl XXXV  LB  Ray Lewis  Baltimore Super Bowl XXXVI  QB  Tom Brady  New England Super Bowl XXXVII  S  Dexter Jackson  Tampa Bay Super Bowl XXXVIII  QB  Tom Brady  New England Patriots Super Bowl XXXIX  WR  Deion Branch  New England Patriots

Super Bowl - Site - Attendance I - Los Angeles - 61,946 II - Miami - 75,546 III - Miami - 75,389 IV - New Orleans - 80,562 V - Miami - 79,204 VI - New Orleans - 81,023 VII - Los Angeles - 90,182 VIII - Houston - 71,882 IX - New Orleans - 80,997 X - Miami - 80,187 XI - Pasadena - 103,438 XII - New Orleans - 75,583 XIII - Miami - 79,484 XIV - Pasadena - 103,985 XV - New Orleans - 76,135 XVI - Pontiac - 81,270 XVII - Pasadena - 103,667 XVIII - Tampa - 72,920 XIX - Stanford - 84,059 XX - New Orleans - 73,818 XXI - Pasadena - 101,063 XXII - San Diego - 73,302 XXIII - Miami - 75,129 XXIV - New Orleans - 72,919 XXV - Tampa - 73,813 XXVI - Minneapolis - 63,130 XXVII - Pasadena - 98,374 XXVIII - Atlanta - 72,817 XXIX - Miami - 74,107 XXX - Tempe - 76,347 XXXI - New Orleans - 72,301 XXXII - San Diego - 68,912 XXXIII - Miami - 74,803 XXXIV - Atlanta - 72,625 XXXV - Tampa - 71,921 XXXVI - New Orleans - 72,922 XXXVII - San Diego - 67,603 XXXVIII - Houston, 71,525 XXXIX - Jacksonville - 78,125

 

QUOTES:

Football is, after all, a wonderful way to get rid of your aggressions without going to jail for it.
~Heywood Hale Brown

Most football players are temperamental.  That's 90 percent temper and 10 percent mental.
~Doug Plank

Let's face it, you have to have a slightly recessive gene that has a little something to do with the brain to go out on the football field and beat your head against other human beings on a daily basis.
~Tim Green

You have to play this game like somebody just hit your mother with a two-by-four.
~Dan Birdwell

Football combines the two worst things about America: it is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
~George F.

Will Pro football is like nuclear warfare.  There are no winners, only survivors.
~Frank Gifford

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare.  They are consumed in twelve minutes.  Half-times take twelve minutes.  This is not coincidence.  ~Erma Bombeck

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
~Erma Bombeck

If you're mad at your kid, you can either raise him to be a nose tackle or send him out to play on the freeway.  It's about the same.
~Bob Golic

At the base of it was the urge, if you wanted to play football, to knock someone down, that was what the sport was all about, the will to win closely linked with contact.
~George Plimpton

Baseball players are smarter than football players.  How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field?
~Jim Bouton

One of the great disappointments of a football game is that the cheerleaders never seem to get injured.
~Author Unknown

American football makes rugby look like a Tupperware party.
~Sue Lawley

Football is not a contact sport.  It's a collision sport.  Dancing is a...  contact sport.
~Duffy Daugherty

When I went to Catholic high school in Philadelphia, we just had one coach for football and basketball.  He took all of us who turned out and had us run through a forest.  The ones who ran into the trees were on the football team.
~George Raveling

The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
~Phyllis Diller

Baseball is what we were.  Football is what we have become.
~Mary McGrory

I do not like football, which I think of as a game in which two tractors approach each other from opposite directions and collide.  Besides, I have contempt for a game in which players have to wear so much equipment.  Men play basketball in their underwear, which seems just right to me.
~Anna Quindlen, Living Out Loud, 1988

College football is a sport that bears the same relation to education that bullfighting does to agriculture.
~Elbert Hubbard

The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean.
~Erma Bombeck

There are two kinds of people in the world, Notre Dame lovers and Notre Dame haters.  And, quite frankly, they're both a pain in the ass.
~Dan Devine, former Notre Dame football coach
 
 

CHUCKLES & BELLY LAUGHS:
 
 

C.Wayne Wert sent this one. One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.  Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "Go Seahawks." I yelled back: "Use Hot Water, a Box of Tide, and 4 Cups Bleach

 
 

Football Math Test A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

 
 

John Elway goes to Heaven John Elway, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Broncos flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, John," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." John felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a Green & White & Silver sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous EAGLES logo flag, and in every window, an Eagles emblem. John looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I won 2 Super Bowls, and I even went to the Hall of Fame." God said "So what's your point John?" "Well, why does Donovan McNabb get a better house than me?" God chuckled, and said "John, that's not Donovan's house, it's mine."

 
 

Interpretations of nature from junior high, high school, and college test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers (spelling errors preserved).... * "When you breath, you inspire.  When you do not breath, you expire." * "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water" * "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube" * "When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide" * "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.  Oxygin is pure gin.  Hydrogin is gin and water." * "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars." * "Blood flows down one leg and up the other." * "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration." * "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader." * "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull." * "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire." * "A supersaturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold." * "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas." * "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity.  The brainium contains the         brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are         five -   a, e, i, o, and u." * "The pistol of a flower is its only protections agents insects." * "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana." * "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off.  The         purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to." * "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors." * "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon.  All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water         in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.  I forget where the sun joins in this fight." * "A fossil is an extinct animal.  The older it is, the more extinct it is." * "Germinate: To become a naturalized German." * "Liter: A nest of young puppies." * "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat." * "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away." * "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky." * "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot." * "Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives." * "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative." * "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose." * "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops." * "For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial perspiration." * "For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.  Or put the head         between the knees of the nearest medical doctor." * "For dog bite: put the dog away for several days.  If he has not recovered, then kill it." * "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead." * "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat." * "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow." ~ Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co. ~

 
 

Gary Clark for this one. A husband and wife go to a counselor after 30 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is? The wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 30 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, tells her to stand up. He embraces the woman, and kisses her passionately. The woman has shut up and sits back down quietly in a daze. The counselor turns to the husband and says "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?" The husband replies,"I can bring her in on Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays I'm playing poker with the boys.

 
 

Birthday Barbie  Gary Clark sent this one too. One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?" The salesperson answers, "Which one?  We have: Work out Barbie for $19.95 Shopping Barbie for $19.95 Beach Barbie for $19.95 Disco Barbie for $19.95 Divorced Barbie for $265.95". The amazed father asks: "What?  Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and all the others only $19.95?" The salesperson annoyingly answers : "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with:  Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and...  One of Ken's Friends.

GROANERS:
 
 
 

Animal Super Bowl During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals. At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss. The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?" "I did," said the centipede. "Who stopped the rhino?" "Uh, that was me too," said the centipede. "And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?" "Well, that was me as well," said the centipede. "So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach. "Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

 
 

Football Wedding Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?" The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family." "What do you call it?" "We call it a football wedding." The first asks, "What's a football wedding?" The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"

 
 

Empty Seat A Denver Broncos fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Mile High Stadium, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy said, "Yes, that's my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Craig Morton days, but now my wife is dead." The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad that he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to and enjoy the game together. "Oh no." the guy said. "They're all at the funeral."

 
 

Wrong Number   Dr Bill Hamm for this one.  I am reluctant to post it because it is soooooo groanie. Bob's phone rang, and he answered it. "Hello?" The voice on the other end said, "Is your number (444) 444-4444?" "Yes," replied Bob. "Could you do me a favor and call 911? I accidentally super glued my finger to the phone #4 ."

 
 

"Business Exhaustion"  C. Wayne Wert sent this one. The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

 
 

This one from Just For Grins. A child asks his mother, "Do all fairy tales begin with, 'Once upon a time?'" His mother answers, "No, dear.  Once in a while they begin with 'I'll be working late at the office tonight.'" "Does Daddy tell you fairy tales like that ?" "He used to." "What made him stop ?" "One day he told me he'd be working late, and I said, 'Can I depend on that?'"

 
 

DON'T CALL HOME FOR MONEY!  Herb Budinger A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his parents. We know what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder.  "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?"  they said. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy.  I don't know her name-they just moved in.  She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." "Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser.  Who knows what she will do next?  John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!  He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and d!  emanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband.  I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back.  He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money.  So I did."

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