"Hard Days Night"

    KCNET NEWSLETTER
 FUN PAGE
 01/15/06


TRIVIA:
QUOTES:
CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS
TRIVIA: This week's presidents are Rutherford Birchard Hayes and Stephen Grover Cleveland.
 
Rutherford Birchard Hayes

    *  Hayes was the first President to use a telephone while in office. The first telephone was
          installed in the White House in 1879.
    *  Of the five presidents who served in the Civil War, Hayes was the only one to be wounded.
    *  He won the presidency by only one electoral vote.
    *  Hayes was the first president to visit the West Coast while in office.
    *  His wife, Lucy Hayes, banned alcohol, smoking, dancing, and card playing from the
          White House. She was the first presidential wife to be called "First Lady of the Land."
    *  Hayes and his wife conducted the first Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. It was held
          April 2, 1879. The presidential tie to the egg roll began when Congress abandoned its own
          long Easter Monday children's festival and declared in 1878 that the western slope of
          Capitol Hill and the Capitol's lawns and terraces could no longer be used as "playgrounds
          or otherwise." Then on Easter Monday in 1879, Capitol police refused to admit the children
          to the grounds. They went to the grounds of the National Observatory and the
          White House, apparently at the invitation of the president.
    *  He was named after his father, Rutherford Hayes, and his mother, Sophia Birchard.
    *  Hayes never knew his father, who died a few months before he was born.

Stephen Grover Cleveland

    * He was the only president to be elected to two nonconsecutive terms.
    * Cleveland was the first executive movie star. In 1895, Alexander Black came to
         Washington and asked Cleveland to appear in "A Capital Courtship", his photoplay.
         He agreed to be filmed while signing a bill into law. "A Capital Courtship" was a big
         hit on the Lyceum Circuit.
    * Cleveland was the only president to be married in the White House and was the first to
         have a child born there.
    * The Baby Ruth candy bar was named after Cleveland's baby daughter, Ruth.
    * He acted as executioner while sheriff of Erie County, New York. He personally pulled the
         hanging trap on two convicted murderers.
    * He and the first lady would shake hands with as many as 8,000 callers at a New Year's
         Day reception. Crowds entered through the doors and the East Room windows!
    * Cleveland used his veto powers 584 times during his two terms. This is the highest total
         of any president except Franklin Roosevelt, who served three terms.
    * Grover Cleveland went sailing during July 1893 for what people thought was a fishing trip,
         but he was really having surgery for a strange growth in his mouth. The operation was
         kept so secret that nobody found out about it until 1917!
    * Cleveland answered the White House phone, personally.
    * "Death and Destruction" was the name that Grover Cleveland gave to his favorite hunting
         rifle.
    * Cleveland was a draft dodger. He hired someone to enter the service in his place, for which
         he was ridiculed by his political opponent, James G. Blaine. It was soon discovered,
         however, that Blaine had done the same thing himself!
    * He was named after the Reverend Stephen Grover, whom Cleveland's father has succeeded
         as minister in Caldwell, New Jersey.


QUOTES:
"When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth."
--George Bernard Shaw

"A man gazing on the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles in the road."
--Alexander Smith

"The game of golf would lose a great deal if croquet mallets and billiard cues were allowed on the putting green."
--Ernest Hemingway

"I know I'm getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators."
--Gerald R. Ford

Humor is just another defense against the universe.
-- Mel Brooks

When humor goes, there goes civilization.
-- Erma Bombeck

A pun is the lowest form of humor -- when you don't think of it first.
-- Oscar Levant

The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.

"I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters."
--Frank Lloyd Wright

"People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use."
--Søren Kierkegaard

CHUCKLES & BELLY LAUGHS:
Bud used this one in his joke Newsletter.
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either." 

 
 
A Brief History of Medicine
2000 BC: Here, eat this root
1000 AD: That root is heathen. Say this prayer.
1850 AD: That prayer is pure superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 AD: That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 AD: That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 AD: That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.
2005 AD: Take this pill. It will either cure you or kill you.

 
 
From Just For Grins.
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. 
One man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog.
"T-square, do your stuff."
T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

The accountant said that his dog could do better.
He called to his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good.

The chemist said that his dog could do better still.
he called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten-ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was pretty impressive.

Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?"
The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, claimed he had injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker's compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
They all agreed that was brilliant!

Take your time with this animation.

GROANERS:
 
I'm Tired!  From Good Clean Fun and Bud Casselberry
Christmas was finally over and the Pastor's wife dropped into an easy chair saying, "Boy!  Am I ever tried."
Her husband looked over at her and said, "I had to conduct two special services last night, three today, and give a total of five sermons.  Why are you so tired?"
"Dear," she replied, "I had to listen to all of them." 

 
 
Jury duty...Dr Bill Hamm
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course.
But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial!
It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve.  I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all." 

 
 
A bad sign...Dr. Bill Hamm for this one too.
A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold.
A Passersby pulled him from the wreckage and revived him.
He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics.
Later, when he had calmed down, they asked him why he had struggled so.
He said, a bit sheepishly, "I remember the impact, then nothing.
I woke up on a concrete slab in front of this huge, flashing sign.
Turns out somebody was standing in front of the 'S' on the 'Shell' sign." 

 
 
Familiar Odor  Bud sent this one too.
An Air Force chief master sergeant and a general were sitting in the barbershop.
They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The general shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me!  My wife will think I've been in a house of ill-repute!"
The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on me.  My wife doesn't know what one of those places smells like."

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