TRIVIA:
QUOTES:
CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS

TRIVIA: Featured this week are Ulysses Simpson Grant and William McKinley, Jr.

Ulysses Simpson Grant

    *  Grant was one of three presidents to graduate from a military academy: West Point.
    *  He finished his memoirs only a few weeks before his death from cancer. The book
          brought in $500,000 for his family after his death.
    * While president, Ulysses S. Grant was arrested for driving his horse too fast. He
          was fined $20.
    * His real name was Hiram Ulysses Grant. He changed it because he didn't want to enter
          West Point with the initials H.U.G.
    * Grant was a fourth cousin once removed of Franklin D. Roosevelt, a sixth cousin once
           removed of Grover Cleveland, and a first cousin three times removed to Judy Garland.
    * Grant ate a cucumber soaked in vinegar for breakfast each day.
    * Grant was the first president to have both parents alive when he took office.
    *  Witness to some of the bloodiest battles in history, Grant could not stomach the
           sight of animal blood -- rare steak nauseated him.
    *  Some historians say that Grant smoked around 20 cigars a day. He acquired the habit
           during the battle of Fort Donelson in 1962. A reporter wrote that Grant liked
           cigars, and people started to send him cigars. He received over 20,000.
    *  Ten years after he was president, Grant was stricken with throat cancer. He regularly
            swabbed his throat with cocaine and he became addicted to it.
    *  Grant once said that he knew only two songs, "One was Yankee Doodle, and the other wasn't."
    *  Grant was the second man in American history to be a Lieutenant General.
    *  Ulysses S. Grant had the boyhood nickname 'Useless'.
    *  His original name was Hiram Ulysses Grant. He was named Hiram after his grandfather,
            and Ulysses after the hero in Greek mythology.

William McKinley, Jr.

   *  McKinley was the first President to ride in an automobile. He rode in an electric
          ambulance to the hospital after he was shot.
  * After being shot, he saw the shooter being beaten to the ground, he then cried,
          "Don't let them hurt him!"
  * McKinley was the first president to campaign by telephone.
  * His wife, Ida, couldn't stand the color yellow. She banned all yellow things from the
          White House, and even ordered all the yellow flowers in the garden to be uprooted!
  *  McKinley always wore a red carnation in his lapel for good luck.
  * McKinley's commanding officer in the Civil War was Rutherford B. Hayes.
  * He was the only clean shaven president between Andrew Johnson and Woodrow Wilson.
  * He moved to Poland, Ohio when he was young. He often joked that he was the only
          president from Poland.
  * As a boy, McKinley almost drowned in Mosquito Creek in Niles, Ohio.
  * McKinley's favorite plays were those by Shakespeare, and Rip Van Winkle.
  * He was named after his father.
  * McKinley kept a parrot in the White House that could whistle "Yankee Doodle." McKinley
           would whistle the first part, and the bird would finish it.

QUOTES:
"You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep."
-Navajo Proverb

"I dreamed a thousand new paths. . . I woke and walked my old one."
-Chinese Proverb

"Don't wake me for the end of the world unless it has very good special effects."
-Roger Zelazny

"The nearest way to glory - a shortcut, as it were - is to strive to be what you wish to be thought to be."
- Socrates

"The most absurd and reckless aspirations have sometimes led to extraordinary success."
- Vauvenargues

"Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are."
- Malcolm Forbes (1919-1990) American Publisher
 

CHUCKLES & BELLY LAUGHS:
 
 

Go Harold go.  Sonya Vanorder sent this one.  I can identify with Harold here.  Folks who address me and my particular situation with "we" just drive me beserk.  "We" had nothing to do with the way I look or feel.  So, "how are we today?" or "don't we look spiffy," set off my alarm.  (Mike) Harold was an old man.  He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child.  She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?" Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse.  One day, Old Harold had breakfast, pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand.  He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice.  So ..  you know where the juice went!  The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it.  "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today " At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again.  Maybe I can filter it better this time." The nurse fainted!  .  .  Good old Harold just smiled!

 
 

SNIFFER LABRADOR     Bud Casselbery sent this one.  He credits Donna for the joke. A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the empty seats alongside. The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline. The airline rep said , "Don't mind Sniffer; he is a sniffing dog, the best there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work. The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search." Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy." The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival." Fantastic!" replies the first man. Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs ab out, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number." "I like it!" says the first man. A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the place. The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What's going on?" The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!

 
 

BEER, FISHING, SEX & GOLF...  Gary Clark sent this one...made me chuckle. A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Will you spend  the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man. "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he's given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

GROANERS:
 

Herb Budinger sent this fishy story. Skip was describing a 30 pound Bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours. Linda interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish.  You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds." Skip replied, "Well . . . a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting."

 
 

Gary n' Patti sent this one and the next one.  They are reruns but still gooders.  A beautiful young blonde boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seat in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in economy. The blonde replies "I'm young, blonde and beautiful and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again the blonde replies "I'm young, blonde and beautiful and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York." The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says "thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot and rushes back to her seat in the economy section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he said to the woman.  He replies "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York."

 
 

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.  The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.  The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!" "IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom. "WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

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