KCNET NEWSLETTER
 FUN PAGE
 12/04/05

TRIVIA:
QUOTES:
CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS

TRIVIA: Presidential Trivia this week (James Buchanan & Thomas Woodrow Wilson)

James Buchanan
* Buchanan had the opportunity to buy Cuba for only $90,000,000, but Congress wouldn't
      let him because they thought he would steal the money and run away!
* Buchanan was the only president to never be married.  His niece Harriet Lane acted as First Lady.
* He is said to have the neatest handwriting of all the presidents.
* When England's Prince of Wales came to visit the White House in 1860, so many guests came
      with him that Buchanan had to sleep in the halls!
* Buchanan was farsighted in one eye and nearsighted in the other.  His left eye also sat higher
     in its socket than his right.  He tipped his head to the left and closed one eye when talking
     to people.
* He sent a note to newly elected Abe Lincoln saying, "My dear sir, If you are as happy on entering the White House as I on leaving, you are a happy man indeed."
* James Buchanan was the first president to send a transatlantic telegram.  It was sent to
     England's Queen Victoria.
* He was named after his father.
 

Thomas Woodrow Wilson
*  Wilson was the first president to hold a press conference.
*  Famous folk artist Woody Guthrie was named after Woodrow Wilson.  His full name is
       Woodrow Wilson Guthrie.
*  He won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1920 for his efforts in seeking peace after World War I and
       supporting the League of Nations.
*  Wilson detonated the final explosives to clear the Panama Canal.  He sent the signal all the way
       from New York!
*  A flock of sheep was raised on the White House lawn during Wilson's term.  The wool was used
       to raise money for the Red Cross during World War I.
*  Wilson was the first and only president to have earned a Ph.D.
*  He was the first president to cross the Atlantic Ocean while in office.
*  Woodrow Wilson had a sheep named "Old Ike" that chewed tobacco and grazed on the lawn of
       the White House.
*  His wife, Edith Wilson, was his connection with the outside world after he suffered a stroke which
       paralyzed his left side.  She is considered the most powerful first lady there ever was.
*  An avid golfer, Wilson used black golf balls when playing in the snow.
*  His second wife, Edith, was a great-grandaughter of Pocahontas, seven times removed
       Wilson couldn't read until he was 9 years old.
*  Wilson was the second president to personally address Congress.  (the first being Washington)
*  In 1895 he suffered a retinal hemorrhage which left him blind in his right eye.
*  Wilson is the only president buried in Washington D.C.  (Taft and Kennedy are buried in Arlington,
       but it's in Virginia.)
*  He was named after his grandfather, the Reverend Thomas Woodrow.
*  Wilson made up this limerick to describe himself:
      For beauty I am not a star
      There are others more handsome by far
      But my face I don't mind it For I am behind it
      It's the people in front that I jar.
 

QUOTES:

"Of all things which wisdom provides to make life entirely happy, much the greatest is the possession of friendship."
-- Epicurus

"Those who are at war with others are not at peace with themselves."
-- William Hazlitt

"All wish to know, but none want to pay the fee."
-- Decimus Juvenal

"He who finds diamonds must grapple in mud and mire because diamonds are not found in polished stones. They are made."
-- Henry B. Wilson

"Great is the road I climb, but the garland offered by an easier effort is not worth the gathering."
-- Sextus Propertius (50BC-16AD) Roman Poet

"Courage is the greatest of all the virtues. Because if you haven't courage, you may not have an opportunity to use any of the others."
-- Samuel Johnson (1709-1784) English Author

"First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do."
-- Epictetus (55-135 AD) Roman Philosopher

"The hero is the one who kindles a great light in the world, who sets up blazing torches in the dark streets of life for men to see by. The saint is the man who walks through the dark paths of the world, himself a light."
-- Felix Adler

CHUCKLES & BELLY LAUGHS:
 
 

What a Guy Really Means : Dr. Bill Hamm  "I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand,  while the fish swim by in complete safety." "It's a guy thing." Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of  making it logical." "Can I help with dinner?" Really means... "Why isn't it already on the table?" "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. "It would take too long to explain." Really means... "I have no idea how it works." "I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means... "The batteries in the remote are dead."

 
 

Subject: Yankee's guide to "Southernese".  From Bud Casselberry. FOAL:Not a baby horse. "I put the taters in foal, afore I baked um."  "Yorta have a lookit thisun." If you do not understand any of them, contact a Southerner for an explanation. HEIDI: (noun) Greeting. HIRE YEW:(complete sentence)Remainder of greeting.                      Usage: "Heidi, hire yew?" BARD:(verb) Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."                      Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck." JAWJUH:(noun) The state north of Florida.  Capital is Lanner.                    Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck." BAMMER:(noun) The state west of Jawjuh.  Capital is Muntgumry.                   Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left                                 $20,000,000 in improvements." MUNTS:(noun) A calendar division.                 Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck,                               and I ain't herd from him in munts." THANK:(verb) Cognitive process.                Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a Coke." RANCH:(noun) A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.                Usage: "I thank I leff my ranch in the back of that pickup                        truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago." ALL:(noun) A petroleum-based lubricant.               Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in                              my pickup truck." FAR:(noun)  A conflagration.               Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in                             my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far." TAR:(noun) A rubber wheel.               Usage: "I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git                             a flat tar in my pickup truck." TIRE:(noun) A tall monument.                Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, Ah sure hope                              to see that Eiffel Tire in Pars sometime." RETARD:(verb) To stop working.                Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65." FARN:(adjective) Not domestic.                 Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed must be                               from some farn country." DID:(adjective) Not alive.                 Usage: "He's did, Jim." ARE:(noun) A colorless, odorless gas; oxygen.                Usage: "He cain't breathe give 'im some ARE!" BOB WAR:(noun) A sharp, twisted cable.               Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

 
 

Herb Budinger sent this cutie. One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him. "So the minister began his sermon.  One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon. The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."

 
 

Real 911 Calls, "BELIEVE" it or not!! Irishrose, Rosemary Bednarczyk sent this list.  Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. Dispatcher: Do you have an address? Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why? Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich. Dispatcher: Excuse me? Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. Dispatcher: Was anything else taken? Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it! Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid. Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart. Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband! And the winner is.......... Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the Police.

GROANERS:
 

Three men, a Chicken and a Cow:   This one from Bud Casselberry. There were three men traveling together: a priest, a farmer and a lawyer. It was starting to get late and they needed to find a place to sleep. They came across a farm and asked the farmer there if they could spend the night. He said, "That's fine, but my guest room is only big enough for two people. One of you will have to sleep in the barn." The priest said, "I don't mind sleeping with God's creatures, I will take the barn." So they all agreed and went to their rooms. About an hour later, there was a knock at the guest room door and there stood the priest. "There is a chicken in there that won't stop clucking! I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to sleep in the guest room." "That's okay," said the farmer, "I'll sleep in the barn. After all, I'm used to it." They all agreed and traded places. About an hour later, there was a knock at the guest room door, and there stood the farmer. "I can't stand the odor from that cow in there anymore. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to sleep in the guest room." "Well, I guess that leaves me," said the lawyer.  So he went to sleep in the barn. About an hour later, there was a knock at the guest room door, and there stood the chicken and the cow they said enough is enough!!

 
 

I finally came up with a get rich quick scheme that cannot fail. I'm going to open a dress shop in Hollywood that sells nothing but maternity wedding gowns.

 
 

Cured! - Dr. Bill Hamm for this one. Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it.  I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under ... you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!" "Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink.  "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars per visit." "I'll sleep on it," said Shakey. Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred buck's a visit?  A bartender cured me for ten dollars. "Is that so! How?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

 
 

This quick quip from Gary 'n Patti A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,  "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.  If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

 
 

The blonde and the eye doctor.    Dave Glossner sent this one. The blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.  The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.  The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor had to take a paper bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.  As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. "Look" said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses." "I know", agreed the blonde, "but I kind of had my heart set on designer frames."

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