| In a battle of wits with kitchen
appliances, I'm toast By Dave Barry
Recently, The Washington Post printed an article
explaining how the appliance manufacturers plan to drive consumers insane.
Of course, they don't SAY they want to drive
us insane. What they SAY they want to do is have us live in homes where
''all appliances are on the Internet, sharing information'' and appliances
will be ''smarter than most of their owners.'' For example, the article
states, you would have a home where the dishwasher ''can be turned on from
the office'' and the refrigerator ''knows when it's out of milk'' and the
bathroom scale transmits your weight to the gym.''
I frankly wonder whether the appliance manufacturers,
with all due respect, have been smoking crack. I mean, did they ever stop
to ask themselves WHY a consumer, after loading a dishwasher, would go
to the office to start it?
Would there be some kind of career benefit?
YOUR BOSS: What are you doing?
YOU (tapping computer keyboard): I'm starting
my dishwasher!
YOUR BOSS: That's the kind of productivity
we need around here!
YOU: Now I'm flushing the upstairs toilet!
Listen, appliance manufacturers: We don't NEED
a dishwasher that we can communicate with from afar. If you want to improve
our dishwashers, give us one that senses when people leave dirty dishes
on the kitchen counter, and shouts at them: PUT THOSE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER
RIGHT NOW OR I'LL LEAK ALL OVER YOUR SHOES!''
Likewise, we don't need a refrigerator that
knows when it's out of milk. We already have a foolproof system for determining
if we're out of milk: We ask our wife. What we could use is a refrigerator
that refuses to let us open its door when it senses that we are about to
consume our fourth Jell-O Pudding Snack in two hours.
As for a scale that transmits our weight to
the gym: Are they NUTS? We don't want our weight transmitted to our own
EYEBALLS! What if the gym decided to transmit our weight to all these other
appliances on the Internet? What if, God forbid, our refrigerator found
out what our weight was? We'd never get the door open again!
But here is what really concerns me about these
new ''smart'' appliances: Even if we like the features, we won't be able
to use them. We can't use the appliance features we have NOW. I have a
feature-packed telephone with 43 buttons, at least 20 of which I am afraid
to touch. This phone probably can communicate with the dead, but I don't
know how to operate it, just as I don't know how to operate my TV, which
has features out the wazooty and requires THREE remote controls. One control
(44 buttons) came with the TV; a second (39 buttons) came with the VCR;
the third (37 buttons) was brought here by the cable-TV man, who apparently
felt that I did not have enough buttons.
So when I want to watch TV, I'm confronted
with a total of 120 buttons, identified by such helpful labels as PIP,
MTS, DBS, F2, JUMP and BLANK.
There are three buttons labeled POWER, but
there are times -- especially if my son and his friends, who are not afraid
of features, have changed the settings -- when I honestly cannot figure
out how to turn the TV on. I stand there, holding three remote controls,
pressing buttons at random, until eventually I give up and go turn on the
dishwasher. It has been, literally, years since I have successfully recorded
a TV show. That is how ''smart'' my appliances have become.
And now the appliance manufacturers want to
give us even MORE features. Do you know what this means? It means that
some night you'll open the door of your ''smart'' refrigerator, looking
for a beer, and you'll hear a pleasant, cheerful voice -- recorded by the
same woman who informs you that Your Call Is Important when you call a
business that does not wish to speak with you personally -- telling you:
''Your celery is limp.'' You will not know how your refrigerator knows
this, and, what is worse, you will not know who else your refrigerator
is telling about it (''Hey, Bob! I hear your celery is limp!'').
And if you want to try to make the refrigerator
STOP, you'll have to decipher Owner's Manual instructions written by and
for nuclear physicists (''To disable the Produce Crispness Monitoring feature,
enter the Command Mode, then select the Edit function, then select Change
Vegetable Defaults, then assume that Train A leaves Chicago traveling westbound
at 47 miles per hour, while Train B...'' ).
Is this the kind of future you want, consumers?
Do you want appliances that are smarter than you? Of course not. Your appliances
should be DUMBER than you, just like your furniture, your pets and your
representatives in Congress. So I am urging you to let the appliance industry
know, by phone, letter, fax and e-mail, that when it comes to ''smart''
appliances, you vote NO. You need to act quickly. Because while you're
reading this, your microwave oven is voting YES.
(This classic Dave Barry column was
originally published on Feb. 27, 2000.)
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