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KCNET NEWSLETTER
FUN PAGE
10/09/05

TRIVIA:
QUOTES:
CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS
TRIVIA:   Presidential Trivia. This week, John Quincy Adams & Lyndon Baines Johnson

John Quincy Adams
*    His wife, Louisa Catherine Johnson, was the only foreign first lady.
*    John Quincy Adams was a second cousin once removed of Samuel Adams and a third cousin
         once removed to his own mother, Abigail Smith Adams.
*    Adams liked to take nude dips in the Potomac River almost every morning. Anne Royall, the
           first U.S. professional journalist, knew of his 5 a.m. swims. After being refused interviews with
           the president time after time, she went to the river, gathered his clothes and sat on them until
           she had her interview. Before this, no female had interviewed a president.
*    John Quincy Adams was the only president to be elected to the House of Representatives after
            serving as President.
*    Adams argued before the Supreme Court on behalf of slaves from the ship Amistad who
            mutinied during their journey from Africa.
*   John Quincy Adams owned a pet alligator which he kept in the East Room of the White House.
*   Adams had the first pool table installed in the White House.
*   John Quincy Adams was the only president to name a son George Washington.
*   Adams was the first president to be photographed.
*   John Quincy Adams's favorite foods were corn and fresh fruits.
*   He kept silkworms as pets.
*   He was named after his great-grandfather John Quincy, Speaker of the Massachusetts
            Assembly, member of the Governer's council, and militia officer.
*   He annually read the Bible from front to cover.

Lyndon Baines Johnson
*   Johnson was the only President to take the Oath of Office on an airplane.
* He was also the only President to take the Oath of Office from a woman.
* When approached by a reporter and asked a question he didn't like, he replied, "Why do
          you come and ask me, the leader of the Western world, a chicken-shit question like that?"
*   Almost every Johnson family member's name was initialed LBJ- Lyndon Baines, Lady Bird,
          Lynda Bird, and Luci Baines.
*   Lyndon B. Johnson was the youngest senate majority leader.
*   Johnson loved the soda Fresca so much that he had a fountain installed in the Oval Office that
          would dispense the soda at the push of a button!
*   His favorite foods were canned green peas and tapioca.
*   Lyndon Johnson died one mile from the house he was born in.
*   He had two pet beagles named "Him" and "Her." Him's paw prints are imprinted in cement
          on the walkway leading to the White House press room. J. Edgar Hoover gave him another
          beagle named "Edgar."
*   He liked to take visitors on 90 mph rides around his Texas ranch in his Lincoln Continental.
*   Johnson and his wife, "Lady Byrd", were married with a $2.50 wedding ring bought at Sears.
*   He rejected his official portrait painting, saying it was "the ugliest thing I ever saw.
*   Lyndon B. Johnson was once engaged to the daughter of a Texas Ku Klux Klan leader. He broke
           it off when he heard what her father had said about him. "I won’t have my daughter marrying
           into that no-account Johnson family. I’ve known that bunch all my life, one generation
           after another of shiftless dirt farmers and grubby politicians. Always
          sticking together and leeching into one another so the minute one starts to make it, the others
          drag him down. None of them will ever amount to a damn."
*    He was named after W.C. Linden, a lawyer and family friend.
*    He was the first President to name an African American cabinet member.
*    He was the first President to confer with a pope in the United States. He spoke to Pope Paul VI
           while he was visiting New York in 1965.
*    His birthday August 27 is an official holiday in Texas.

QUOTES:
Autumn wins you best by this, its mute Appeal to sympathy for its decay.
Author: Robert Browning -- "Paracelsus" (sc. 1)
Glorious are the woods in their latest gold and crimson, Yet our full-leaved willows are in the freshest green. Such a kindly autumn, so mercifully dealing With the growths of summer, I never yet have seen.
Author: William Cullen Bryant -- "Third of November"
Every season hath its pleasure; Spring may boast her flowery prime, Yet the vineyard's ruby treasuries Brighten Autumn's sob'rer time.
Author: Thomas Moore -- "Spring and Autumn"
O, it sets my heart a clickin' like the tickin' of a clock, When the frost is on the punkin and the fodder's in the shock.
Author: James Whitcomb Riley -- "When the Frost is on the Punkin"

CHUCKLES & BELLY LAUGHS:
                            An old one but just as funny as the first time

Who Should Make the Coffee?
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that! Show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, "HEBREWS."

                 The Humor Network alerts you to the viruses that can infect your computer at anytime:

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
The Verizon virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Congressional Virus: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
Congressional Virus #2: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Health Care virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
Jimmy Hoffa virus: Your programs can never be found again.
Kevorkian virus: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
OJ virus: It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your file and vows to find the virus that did it.
PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.
Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".
Christian Science Virus: Your hard drive isn't really down, you just think it is.

                        Probably didn't happen but it has an interesting punch.

Bill and Diane were in a terrible accident and Diane's face was severely burned.
The doctor told Bill that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So Bill offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at Diane's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day they were enjoying a quiet moment together when Diane was overcome with emotion at Bill's sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," Bill replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

        You gotta love the Irish..C Wayne Wert sent this one.

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order. O'Malley was shocked but being a solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son was waiting..
"Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints the two were feeling a little less somber.. There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
O'Malley told them they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers. After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!"
O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them visiting your Mother after I am gone."

I laughed again at this one from Good Clean Fun and Bud Casselberry.

Lost in Canada
An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost.
Finally they came into a city. They saw a gentleman on the sidewalk, so they pulled up to the curb, and the lady rolled down her window and asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where are we?"
The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said, "We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"

NOTHIN'

A census taker in a rural area went up to a Tennessee farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty two. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty six. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty four ... "

"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins EVERY time?"

The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin'."

Thanks to C. Wayne Wert

Another oldie from Bud.

Would you watch my car ?
A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?"

"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?"

"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. - - - But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."

Catholic Parrots Thanks to Gary Clark.

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem.

I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. "Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!"

GROANERS:

           Just For Grins should be Just For Groans this week.

Jerry was working at a lumberyard, pushing a tree through a saw, when he accidentally sheared off all four of his fingers.
He rushed to the emergency room of a nearby hospital where the awaiting doctor took a look and said, "What a mess! Well, give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do."
"I haven't got the fingers." Jerry replied.
"What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers?" the doctor inquired, "This is the age of medical advances. We've got microsurgery and all sorts of incredible techniques! Why didn't you bring me the fingers?"
"Well, heck, doctor," Jerry answered, "I tried, but I couldn't pick 'em up."

                     C. Wayne Wert for this one

Ash Request
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Department and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything including me."

       David Glossner for this one

Bob
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her
to marry you?"
"I lied about my age", Bob replies.
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

              C. Wayne Wert for this one.

Here is a unique idea in campaign bumper stickers sure to please both parties.
RUN HILLARY RUN

Democrats place it on the BACK bumper.
Republicans place it on the FRONT bumper.

ALL DONE!!!

PLEASE

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