srspg4_08

" Dixie" KCNET NEWSLETTER
FUN PAGE
08/07/05

TRIVIA:
QUOTES:
CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS

TRIVIA: More like a warning!
Thanks to Irishrose, Rosemary Bednarczyk

QUOTES:
"Happiness is not in our circumstance but in ourselves. It is not something we see, like a rainbow, or feel, like the heat of a fire. Happiness is something we are."
-– John B. Sheerin
"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."
--Socrates
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
--Groucho Marx
"The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things."
--Jilly Cooper
"I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back."
--Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat."
--Alex Levine
"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."
--Mark Twain
"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying."
--Ed Furgol
"Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery."
--Spike Milligan

CHUCKLES & BELLY LAUGHS:

Dr Wal-mart Thanks to Sonya VanOrder
One day, in line at the cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley, "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, Bob, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Stan replies, "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Bob fills a small jar with his urine and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a urine sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and some water out of his favorite fishing hole, just for good measure. He then went back to Wal-Mart, eager to test the computer. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits. In ten seconds the computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop fishing, your elbow will never get better.
And, as always, thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart!

Jar 47 From Good Clean Fun
A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.
Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?"
The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."
So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he yelled. "Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson,"
said the doctor.
So Mr. Thompson went home.... very mad.
One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem.
"Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!"
Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47, it's......"
But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room!

Amen and a Meeting of the Board -- Dr. Bill Hamm to Bud to me with this one.
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished
to meet with the church board after the service.
The first man to arrive was a stranger.
"You misunderstood my announcement," said the minister.
This is a meeting of the board."
"Well," said the man.
"If there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him."

Breakfast Out Herb Budinger sent this one.
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."
"How do you want your eggs?"
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home.

Another good one from Herb Budinger.
One day there was a knock on the Pope's office door. When he answered it, the salesman said, 'Hello, my management team would like to discuss a proposal with you.' After taking a seat in his office, the salesman said, 'I am with Kentucky Fried Chicken. We would like to offer you a contract to the church if you can change the Lord's blessing from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'daily chicken'.' The Pope said, 'I'm sorry we just cannot do that.' The salesman went back to his office where he discussed the outcome of the meeting. He returned to the Pope's office a week later with the same proposal, only he had upped the bid to 4 million.
The Pope gently declined, again. The next week he came again and offered the Pope an offering of 10 million. The Pope said, 'Let me think it over.' The Pope then called a meeting with the elders of the church and said, 'Well gentlemen, I have good news and bad news. Kentucky Fried Chicken has generously offered us 10 million dollars to change the Lord's Prayer from 'daily bread' to 'daily chicken'.
The bad new is that we will lose the Wonder Bread Contract.

The latest spam email Badtimes Thanks to Edythe Clark for this cutie.
*If you receive an email entitled**_ "Badtimes"_** delete it IMMEDIATELY. **/Do not open it/** .
Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers. _This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank._*

*IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer.
**FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?? **

It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the "Badtimes" message opened in a Windows NT environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

*WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *

*And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.*

And finally...

A FINE YOUNG SCOTTISH LAD Thanks to David Glossner
There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in. After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life.
'I'm fine, ' Angus said. 'But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.' 'Well, ma laddie,' says his mother, 'I suggest you don't associate with people like that.' 'Oh,' says Angus, 'I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.'

GROANERS:

Turtle Ears From Good Clean Fun
Tradition here in the office is to keep a notepad with the punch lines from the various jokes that pass through.
I was flipping pages and found
"Turtles have such tiny ears!"- [the punch line]
I couldn't remember the joke.
After searching everyone's memory banks, one of the folks remembered: "Why is turtle wax so expensive?"

But officer... Bud Casselberry sent this one
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Blondes Again--From Gary n' Patti

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
When she took me to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport left", she turned around and went home.
She told me to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".
When the computer said "Press any key to continue", she couldn't find the "Any" key.
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
If you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change.
She tried to drown her goldfish.
She sat on the TV and watched the couch.
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She studied for a blood test and failed.
At the bottom of application forms where it says "Sign Here", she puts "Sagittarius".
She sold the car for gas money.
She thought Hamburger Helper came with another person.
She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
When she heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
She ordered a cheeseburger from McDonald's and said, "Hold the cheese".
She got locked in Furniture World and slept on the floor.
She looks up to see dead bird.
When she got to the empty 4-way stop, she waited for the other 3 cars to get there.

And finally...

Herb Larson sent this one.
A farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 9 opened the door.
"Is yer Dad home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well, said the farmer, is yer Mom here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

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