srspg4_07

"Blue Grass Boogie" KCNET NEWSLETTER
FUN PAGE
07/10/05

TRIVIA:
QUOTES:
CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS
TRIVIA:

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ Irishrose Bednarczyk sent this quiz.

Passing requires 4 correct answers
1   How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2   Which country makes Panama hats?!
3   From which animal do we get catgut?
4   In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5   What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6   The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7   What was King George VI's first name?
8   What color is a purple finch?
9   Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10 What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
All done? Click here to check your answers!

QUOTES:
"The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman."
--Jonathan Swift
"What some call health, if purchased by perpetual anxiety about diet, isn't much better than tedious disease." --Alexander Pope
"A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat."
--Erma Bombeck
"The boat is made of dry reeds, and a monkey is steering it."
--Punjabi Proverb
"Artistic genius is an expansion of monkey imitativeness."
--W. Winwood Reade
"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible."
--George Burns
"Santa Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only once a year."
--Victor Borge
"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir . mighty scarce."
--Mark Twain

*****ANSWERS TO TRIVIA QUIZ:
1   How long did the Hundred Years War last?   *116 years
2 Which country makesPanamahats? *Ecuador
3 From which animal do we get cat gut? *Sheep and Horses
4 In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?   *November
5 What is a camel's hair brush made of? *Squirrel fur
6 The Canary Islandsin the Pacific are named after what animal?   *Dogs
7 What was King George VI's first name? *Albert
8 What color is a purple finch? *Crimson
9 Where are Chinese gooseberries from? *New Zealand
10 What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?   *Orange, of course.
What do you mean you failed?!
Pass this on to some other brilliant friends
Click here to return to Trivia

CHUCKLES & BELLY LAUGHS

Actual label instructions on consumer goods:
Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible:
    On Sears hairdryer:
    Do not use while sleeping.
    (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
    On a bag of Fritos:
    You could be a winner! No purchase nesessary.
    Details inside.
    (The shoplifter special!)
    On a bar of Dove soap:
    Directions: Use like regular soap.
    (and that would be how?)
    On some Swann frozen dinners:
    Serving suggestion: Defrost.
    (But it's *just* a suggestion!)
    On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
    Fits one head.
    (The big one or the little one?)
    On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on box bottom):
    Do not turn upside down.
    (Too late! You lose!)
    On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
    Product will be hot after heating.
    (Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)
    On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
    Do not iron clothes on body.
    (But wouldn't that save more time?)
    (And whose body?)
    On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
    Do not drive car or operate machinery.
    (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction if we just kept those
    5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
    On Nytol sleep aid:
    Warning: may cause drowsiness.
    (One would hope!)
    On a Korean kitchen knife:
    Warning keep out of children.
    (Or pets! What's for dinner?)
    On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
    For indoor or outdoor use only.
    (As opposed to use in outer space.)
    On a Japanese food processor:
    Not to be used for the other use.
    (Hmm, now I'm curious.)
    On Sainsbury's peanuts:
    Warning: contains nuts.
    (but no peas?)
    On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
    Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
    (have lobotomy)
    On a Swedish chainsaw:
    Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
    (What is this, a home castration kit?)
    On a child's Superman costume:
    Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
    (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO Another long one. Thanks to Janet Shields for this one.

Alabama Heck Yes, We Have Electricity.	Montana Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else.
Alaska 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!	Nebraska Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Arizona But It's A Dry Heat.	Nevada Hookers and Poker!
Arkansas Literacy Ain't Everything.	New Hampshire Go Away And Leave Us Alone
California By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.	New Jersey You Want A Motto? I Got Yer Motto Right here!
Colorado If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.	New Mexico Lizards Make Excellent Pets
Connecticut Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet.	New York You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...
Delaware We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.	North Carolina Tobacco Is A Vegetable
Florida Ask Us About Our Grandkids.	North Dakota We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Georgia We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.	Ohio At Least We're Not Michigan
Hawaii Haka Tike Mou Sha! 'ami Lee ki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum,Leave Your Money)	Oklahoma Like The Play, But No Singing
Idaho More Than Just Potatoes...Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good	Oregon Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
Illinois Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"	Pennsylvania Cook With Coal
Indiana 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free	Rhode Island We're Not REALLY An Island
Iowa We Do Amazing Things With Corn	South Carolina Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet
Kansas First Of The Rectangle States	South Dakota Closer Than North Dakota
Kentucky Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names	Tennessee The Edyoocashun State
Louisiana We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.	Texas Se Hablo Ingles
Maine We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster	Utah Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Maryland If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It	Vermont Ay, Yep
Massachusetts Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's	Virginia Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Michigan First Line Of Defense >From The Canadians	Washington We have more rain than you do
Minnesota 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes	West Virginia One Big Happy Family...Really!
Mississippi Come And Feel Better About Your Own State	Wisconsin Come Cut The Cheese!
Missouri Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work	Wyoming Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared

Serves her right!! This one from Irishrose, Rosemary Bednarczyk.
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this -- especially all the ladies who bake for church events.
Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.
She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.
She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."
So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom ... a roll of toilet paper.
She plunked it in and covered it with icing. The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church.
Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold. Alice was beside herself.
The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.
After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.
Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say .
"Thank you, I baked it myself."

Another Diet: Dr Bill Hamm sent this one to Bud Casselberry.
The woman was on another diet.
She had lost a few pounds, but the strict diet had also caused
her to lose her sunny disposition.
After a particularly snappish remark to her husband, she
apologized and reminded him that he had pledged to stick with
her through thick and thin.
"I know," he said dryly, "but thick was easier."

Searching for Witnesses This one from Good Clean Fun
The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.
"Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?" inquired the officer.
"Sir," exclaimed the telephone lineman, "I was at the top of the pole."

From Just For Grins This one tickled my funny bone.
Jimmy received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a swear word; those that weren't cursing were very rude.
Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music—anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
He then tried yelling at the bird, but the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.
Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior".
Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"

Scotch and water This cutie from Linda Frye
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
The bartender gives her the drink, and she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too." The woman says, "Thank you, how sweet of you OK then, Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you a drink too."
The woman says, "Thank you very much my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink this time, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The octogenarian giggles and replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue!"

GROANERS:

From Just For Grins
A photographer went to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost which was said to appear only once in a hundred years.
Not wanting to frighten off the ghost, the photographer sat in the dark until midnight when the apparition became visible.
The ghost turned out to be friendly and consented to pose for one snapshot. The happy photographer carefully composed the shot then took the picture.
He headed straight-way to his studio to develop the film. After some anxious waiting for the processing to finish, he looked at the negative and groaned. It was underexposed and completely blank.
Moral of the story: The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak...

Also Just For Grins - Pretty sad though
Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Lora said unhappily, "Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?"
The woman shot her an angry look, "Lora, how dare you talk about your father like that!"

Herb Budinger sent this groaner.
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "The parrot on the left costs 500 dollars".
"Why, does the parrot cost so much?" asks the man. The owner says, "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer".
The man then asks about the next parrot and is told that this one costs
1,000 dollars because it can do everything the first parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?"
To which the owner replies, "To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!"

An Artsy Pose: Dr Bill Hamm suggested another Groaner.
Doug went to a psychiatrist and said, "Doc, I'm really worried about my wife. Yesterday she posed for a nude picture."
The psychiatrist said, "Well I wouldn't worry about that. It's probably just an expression of her interest in art. What was the nude picture for?"
"Her driver's license," answered Doug.

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