KCNET NEWSLETTER FUN PAGE 06/12/05
"I know I'm getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators." --Gerald R. Ford
"The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course." --Billy Graham
"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere." --Billy Crystal
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.... But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out --Phyllis Diller
"Don't worry about avoiding temptation ... As you grow older, it will avoid you." --Winston Churchill
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. --Will Rogers
It takes only one drink to get me drunk..... the trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. --George Burns
CHUCKLES & BELLY LAUGHS:
She takes it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"
"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars for the story," says the owner.
The woman gives the shop-owner twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As she walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, she notices that a few real rats have crawled out of alleys and sewers, and begun following her down the street. This is a bit disconcerting, so she begins walking a little faster. Within a couple blocks, the group of rats behind her grows to over a hundred, and they begin squealing.
She starts to trot toward the Bay. She takes a nervous look around and sees that the rats now number in the thousands--maybe millions--and they are all squealing and coming toward her faster and faster. Terrified, she runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as she can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.
The woman walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says the owner, "I'll bet you have come back for the story?"
"No," said the woman, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat."
"No," said the woman, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Republican."
Joe Marasco sent this gem. Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings . It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I ! feel great. How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. "We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, well there's just one thing." "What's that?" "Have you farted yet?" "No " "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver."
The Barking Dog: Bill Hamm sent this one to Bud. Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at 4:44am by his telephone. "Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice. Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up. The next morning at precisely 4:44 am, Bernard called his neighbor back. "Good morning, Mr. Williams. I just called to say that I don't have a dog."
Nuns at the Hospital: This one from Harold Pepperman to Bud. A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "Just a spinster sister, who is a nun." The nun, slightly perturbed, said, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
RR Conductor This one from Good Clean Fun Bob is a favorite conductor among commuters on the Long Island Railroad. He has great rapport with the regulars, but occasionally runs into a problem rider. One passenger, for instance, seemed irritated at having to hand over his ticket to be punched. "Where are you going today?" Bob asked, smiling. "Well, what does the ticket say?" replied the traveler sarcastically. "Um, it says you're on the wrong train," Bob informed him. "What am I supposed to do now?" asked the flustered passenger. Returning the punched card, Bob replied calmly, "Ask the ticket."
Special cow? This one from Bud Casselberry too. There was a nun whose old body began to surrender to time. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day to relax her. Not to be lured into "worldly pleasures", she huffily declined. But the Mother Superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day. After a few more years, even that spiked milk couldn't help and the aged sister approached her final hour. As several nuns gathered around her at her bedside, the Mother Superior asked if she wanted to leave them with any words of wisdom. "Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"
Sonya VanOrder sent the following church funnies. Show and Tell: A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David." The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary." The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Baptist, and this is a casserole."
The Best Way To Pray: A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said. "No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
The Twenty and the One: A well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean." "Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!" "So tell me," says the twenty," "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church..." The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
GROANERS:
Another Just For Grins "How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Jill. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went." "But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Peter along?" "But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack. "But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Jill pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Peter looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. "Yup," Peter answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. "I forgot."
How to get rich...Bill Hamm A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."