KCNET NEWSLETTER FUN PAGE 05/22/05 & 05/29/05
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Controlling Cholesterol intake Sree the Tech Guru for WABC TV New York went way out on these suggestions. I guess whatever floats your boat should be ok. (Mike) Like me, Gary Katz was given an ultimatum by his doctor: Change your diet or go on cholesterol medication. Unlike me, he's done something really smart about it. He's enrolled in a brand-new program that uses high-technology to address an age-old problem: dealing with your food. He has signed up for MyFoodPhone.com, which makes use of his cellphone to communicate with his dietician. No, not through calls, but through the built-in camera. Every time he sits down for a meal, he takes a photo and sends it via his cellphone to the site. Later, his dietician, Lisa Cohn of Park Ave. Nutrition (who pioneered the MyFoodPhone concept), can check all he's eaten and provide feedback about how he's doing. It's a terrific concept and it's working for Gary, who says it's working very well for him. For $99 a month, you get daily text feedback and a weekly video message from your nutrition coach. Best of all, you can log onto the site yourself and see pictures of everything you have eaten and keep track of your diet goals. MyFoodPhone.com https://www.myfoodphone.com/home.aspx ParkAveNutrition.com http://www.parkavenutrition.com/
Medicine in the Yahoo! Directory Medscape- integrated, multi-specialty medical information and education tool for specialists, primary care physicians, ... http://dir.yahoo.com/Health/medicine/
"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe." --Jimmy Durante
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. --Jilly Cooper
"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying." --Ed Furgol
"I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back." --Zsa Zsa Gabor
"I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts." -- Will Rogers
"Did you ever get the feeling that the world is a tuxedo and you're a pair of brown shoes." --George Gobel
"To me, democracy means placing trust in the little guy, giving the fruits of nationhood to those who built the nation. Democracy means anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president." --Johnny Carson
Karnack: [Holding the envelope to his head] Shogun. Ed McMahon: Shogun. Karnack: [Opening envelope] What's the first thing you do when you hold up a liquor store?
Bubba...Harold Pepperman sent this one to Bud. Bubba applied for an engineering position at IBM in Raleigh. A Yankee applied for the same job. Both applicants had the same qualifications and at the completion of a skills test, both men had only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Bubba and said, "Thank you for your interest but we've decided to give the Yankee the job." Bubba asked, "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being North Carolina, and me being a Southern boy I should get the job!" The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed." Bubba then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" The manager replied, "Bubba, its like this, on question #4 the Yankee put down 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
Doctor Mistake Think about this one a sec. During the course of being interviewed by the press, the noted doctor was asked by a reporter: "Doctor, did you ever make a serious mistake?" "Yes, was the reply, "I once cured a millionaire in three visits!"
Just For Grins featured this one. "Look at ME!" boasted the fit old man to a group of young people. "Every morning I do fifty push-ups, fifty sit-ups and walk two miles. I'm fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after women!" He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering, "And tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!" "Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers, "How?"
AT THE DINER Sonya VanOrder sent this one. A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is .. an auto parts store?" "No," the cook said. "Three flat tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices crisp bacon." "Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?" She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!
GROANERS:
I'll give Bud Casselberry the credit for this one. A man is on his first parachute jump. He jumps out of the plane and counts, "1 2 3," and pulls the main cord. Nothing happens. He pulls on his emergency cord, again nothing happens. Looking around desperately the man notices another man flying UP into the air. He hollers to him, "Do you know anything about parachutes?" "No!" he replies. "Do you know anything about gas furnaces?"
This one was attributed to Barbara Boxer. She was standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde woman walked by and asked what she was doing, "I'm supposed to figure out the height of the flagpole," but I don't have a ladder." The blonde woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. The Senator shook her head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! I asked for the height, and she measures the length
Wayne Smith sent these... There are some Absolute maybe even Ultimate Groaners here and not a blonde in the bunch! 1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..." 3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you but don't start anything." 4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here." 5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road." 7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?" 8. "Doc, I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome!." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual." 9. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy. 10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids are nothing to look at either. 11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "Why?? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy." 13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 14. I went to the butcher's the other day and bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." 15. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!" 16. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel. 17. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 18. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 19. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"