Answers given by elementary school age children to the following questions. This one recommended by Irishrose, Rosemary Bednarczyk
Why did God make mothers? 1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 2. Mostly to clean the house. 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers? 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of? 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom? 1. We're related. 2 . God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom? 1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff. 2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him? 1. His last name. 2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? 3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad? 1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who! 's the boss at your house? 1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball. 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads? 1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work. 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's. 4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time? 1. Mothers don't do spare time. 2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect? 1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be? 1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that. 2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me. 3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.
MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something . . .?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"
Watergate This one from Good Clean Fun and Bud Casselberry. A couple stayed at the Watergate Hotel while visiting Washington, D,C. The wife was concerned. "What if, after all these years, the place is still bugged?" The husband says, "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, and under the rug. "Aha" Under the rug was a disc with 4 screws. He gets his screwdriver, unscrews the screws and throws the disc out the window. The next morning, the hotel manager asks the couple "How was your room?" "How was the service?" "How was your stay at the Watergate?" The husband says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?" The hotel manager says "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them."
I will not reveal the sender of this personal experience. This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men. What happens is that when you stop for a red light, a young nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield. While she is doing this, another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car. They are very good at this. They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday. I wasn't able to find them on Sunday.
The flattered husband...Dr. Bill Hamm sent this one to Bud C. After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are? The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't." The wife yells, "Then what the world gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"
Wayne Smith sent this one. A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has embezzeled him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollar is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger.
GROANERS:
Herb Budinger sent this groaner. A camper was out on hike when he saw a bear. When he started running the bear ran too. Finally he came to a cliff. He decided to kneel down and pray and when he did, so did the bear. "God is answering my prayer", the man thought. Then the bear said "Bless us, oh lord, for these thy gift's which we are about to receive from our bounty..."
Your Daughter Dr Bill Hamm sent this one to Bud Casselberry "Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can't live without me, and she wants to marry me." "And you're asking my permission to marry her?" "No, I'm asking you to make her leave me alone."
From Just For Grins Scott and Glenn who worked together were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Scott said, "Panty stitcher... I sew the elastic onto women's underwear." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay. Glenn was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied. Diesel fitter is listed as a skilled job, so the clerk gave Glenn $600 a week. When Scott found out he was furious. He stormed into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled, and diesel fitters are skilled labor." "What skill?!" yelled the panty stitcher. "I sew the elastic and he pulls on it and says, 'Yep, dese'll fit 'er.'"