The year is 1904 ... one hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes! Here are some of the US statistics for 1904: The average life expectancy in the US was 47 years. Only 14% of the homes in the US had a bathtub. Only 8%of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost $11.00 There were only 8,000 cars in the US, and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower. The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour. The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year. A comp! etent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year. A veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year. A mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year. More than 95 percent of all births in the US took place at home. Ninety % of all US physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard." Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee was fifteen cents a pound. Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo. Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason. The five leading causes of death in the US were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexic! o, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet. The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30! Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented. There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day. Two of 10 US adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 % of all Americans had graduated high school. Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." (Shocking!) Eighteen percent of households in the US had at least one full-time servant or domestic. There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire US
"The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it." --Dudley Moore
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. --Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. --Jimmy Durante
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. --Jilly Cooper
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. --Zsa Zsa Gabor
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. --Mark Twain
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. --Ed Furgol
Money can't buy you happiness . but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. --Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. --Henny Youngman
I am opposed to millionaires.....but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. --Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. --Joe Namath
Also Just For Grins After every flight, airplane pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. These are claimed to be actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution and action taken by mechanics.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.
10 Best Comebacks by Your Caddy From Irishrose, Rosemary Bednarczyk 10 Golfer "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
9 Golfer "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
8 Golfer "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
7 Golfer "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy "Eventually."
6 Golfer "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
5 Golfer "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction." Caddy "It's not a watch -! it's a compass."
4 Golfer "How do you like my game?" Caddy "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
3 Golfer "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?" Caddy "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
2 Golfer "This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
1 Best Caddy Comment ! Golfer "That can't be my ball, it looks too old," Caddy "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Jeff Foxworthy on Pennsylvania This one was sent first by Jim Keeler, a good friend who moved his family to Vero Beech a long time ago. Jim admits that he misses snow. * If you consider it a sport to sit in a tree stand all day long with a bow or a gun just to put food in your freezer.... you might live in Pennsylvania. * If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Bradford is the coldest spot in the nation,you might live in Pennsylvania. * If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Pennsylvania. * If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Pennsylvania cause you're all so darn friendly. * If you have worn shorts, sunglasses and a parka at the same time, you might live in Pennsylvania. * If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, or if you are in church and your priest or minister asks you to pray for the STEELERS , and wants to get you all home for 1 p.m. kickoff you might live in Pennsylvania. * YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Pennsylvanian when: * 1. "Vacation" means going up north past I-80 for the weekend. * 2. You measure distance in hours. * 3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once. * 4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again. * 5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching. * 6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings). * 7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave all the doors unlocked. * 8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them. * 9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. * 10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. * 11. You know all 4 seasons: almost fall, winter, still winter and road construction. * 12. Down South to you means MORGANTOWN W V. * 13. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly." * 14. You go out to fish fry every Friday and bingo every Wednesday. * 15. Your 4TH of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost. * 16. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car. * 17. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Pennsylvania friends or others so they know what Pennsylvania really is like !!!!!!!
Joe Marasco suggested this one. So did Gary n' Patti. When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive................... So I took her to a gas station!!!!!!!
Gary n' Patti sent this one too A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. The husband asks, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?" "Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago." "That's remarkable" her husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long." Services will be held for Husband #2 at 2:30 p.m. Saturday at Forever Green Mortuary.
GROANERS: Timely Wayne Smith sent this one. Two Popes There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and, upon graduation, became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of these two who would become the next Pope. In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope! Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?" After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."
*****No groaning! You know you're going to pass it on to Catholic and non-Catholic friends alike!!
Herb Budinger and David Glossner get the thanks for this one. Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
Redhead David Glossner sent this one. A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her shoulder, and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
Gary n' Patti sent this one. The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk :"What's with the guy over there by the wall" ? The clerk responds : "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, So I gave him an entire bottle of laxative". The owner, wide -eyed and excited shouts : "You idiot ! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives". The clerk calmly responds : "Of course you can!, Look at him he's afraid to cough
WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES? Rosemary Bednarczyk sent this one. A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?". The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I! remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today."