KCNET NEWSLETTER FUN PAGE 04/03/05
TRIVIA
How did it happen? Unlike most of the other nonfoolish holidays, the history of April Fool's Day, sometimes called All Fool's Day, is not totally clear. There really wasn't a "first April Fool's Day" that can be pinpointed on the calendar. Some believe it sort of evolved simultaneously in several cultures at the same time, from celebrations involving the first day of spring. The closest point in time that can be identified as the beginning of this tradition was in 1582, in France. Prior to that year, the new year was celebrated for eight days, beginning on March 25. The celebration culminated on April 1. With the reform of the calendar under Charles IX, the Gregorian Calendar was introduced, and New Year's Day was moved to January 1. However, communications being what they were in the days when news traveled by foot, many people did not receive the news for several years. Others, the more obstinate crowd, refused to accept the new calendar and continued to celebrate the new year on April 1. These backward folk were labeled as "fools" by the general populace. They were subject to some ridicule, and were often sent on "fools errands" or were made the butt of other practical jokes. This harassment evolved, over time, into a tradition of prank-playing on the first day of April. The tradition eventually spread to England and Scotland in the eighteenth century. It was later introduced to the American colonies of both the English and French. April Fool's Day thus developed into an international fun fest, so to speak, with different nationalities specializing in their own brand of humor at the expense of their friends and families. More and some good pranks too. http://wilstar.com/holidays/aprilfool.htm
Top 100 April Fool's Day Hoaxes of All Time http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/aprilfool/
April Fools R Us April fools we be to fall for the practical jokes, hoaxes and pranks on April 1, the one holiday of the year we should be expecting shenanigans. April fools come in various kinds, sizes, colors and ethnicities. We're big and small and fat and slim and yes even smart most of the time. But this one holiday a year we can be caught off-guard. Enjoy the practical jokes, gag gifts, pranks and hoaxes and april fools tomfoolery this site has to offer. http://www.april-fools.us/
Joke programs for you to install on your friend's computer TheFreeSite.com offers the Web's biggest collection of April Fools Day freebies, including practical jokes, gags, pranks, free gag software, jokes, ... http://www.thefreesite.com/Seasonal_Freebies/April_Fools/
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a "support group." Salvation in a can! -- Leo Durocher--
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his friends. -- Ernest Hemingway--
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not. -- H.L. Mencken--
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. -- Paul Hornung--
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. -- Benjamin Franklin
Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 3000 b.c. -- W.C. Fields
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! -- George Bernard Shaw
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. -- Dave Barry
GOOD ADVICE Sue's sister Carol from Kansas City sent this one. Blood is thicker than the local internet. There is a KCnet.com in Kansas City but Carol is loyal and does her internet with KCnet.org. For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beer, eat lots of sausage and fats, and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Gary n' Patti sent this one. A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the younger doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!" The younger doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
Wayne Wert for this one. My friend, an ex-Marine Aviator, wanted to show off his new twin- engine plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, we were caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around us. Next, we lost the radio and most of the instruments. As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, "Uh-oh!" Fearing the worst, I asked, "What's wrong now?" George replied, "I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me." That is it for hiccup jokes!!!
Bud Casselberry featured this one in last weeks Jokes Newsletter. I remember this particular "Cheers". There are not many "Cheers" that I missed. One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy, Norm. "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can Only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This Natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kill brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
Also from Bud, he gave Dr Bill Hamm the credit for finding the "gem". Say It With Diamonds! My next door neighbor bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Valentine's Day. I said to him, "I thought your wife wanted one of those pretty 4-Wheel drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where in the world was I going to find a fake Jeep!!"
This is a true story. However I did not check with Snopes or hoax readings. I'll just take their word for it. An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station.. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one!
Irish Last Request Two leftover Irish stories from Irishrose, Rosemary Bednarczyk Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father . . . " The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun!'
AND The Irish Cemetery Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died!" Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
GROANERS:
A miracle for a drink...Thanks to Bud for this one. I've read it before but it gets funnier each time. A mangy-lookin' guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!" "Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"
David Glossner sent this list--clever as they are, most deserve to be classified as groaners. FOR ALL LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS) 1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. 2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). 3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backward poet writes inverse. 5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your count that votes. 7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. 9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. 11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. 13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in LinoleumBlownapart. 14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. 16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 17. Every calendar's days are numbered. 18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine. 19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. 20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. 21. A plateau is a high form of flattery. 22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. 25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. 26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. 27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. 28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 29. Acupuncture is a jab well done. 30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Gary n' Patti get blamed for this one. It made me groan. Two Jewish men, "Sid" and "Al" were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?" Al replied, "I don't know. Let's ask our waiter." When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?" The waiter answered, "I don't know Senor. I'll ask the cooks." He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said, "No sir, no Mexican Jews." Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?" The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos," gave the expected answer, "I will check again, Senor!" He went back into the kitchen. While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere." The waiter returned and said, "Senor, the head cook says, 'No Mexican Jews!' "Are you certain?" Al asked once again. "I can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!" "Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews. No one ever hear of Mexican Jews.
Canine Dreams Herb Budinger sent this one. I have a dog that talks in its sleep. One day a visitor was astonished to hear the dog bellow, "My name is Christopher Columbus! I am seven hundred years old! I own America, and I married Marilyn Monroe!" When the visitor asked what was going on, I replied, "Don't worry about it. It's better to just let sleeping dogs lie."
NORTH THIS WAY