Trivia for "M*A*S*H" (1972) * This television series, set during the Korean War, lasted eleven seasons. The actual Korean War lasted only three years. * Harry Morgan, who played Col. Potter, had an earlier guest appearance as a crazy General named Steele. * Col. Potter was from Hannibal, Missouri. * Col. Potter's horse was named Sophie. He gave Sophie to Sister Teresa's orphanage after the war ended, since he couldn't take her back to the States. * Jamie Farr, who played Max Klinger, was the only regular cast member to ever actually serve in the Army in Korea (after the war was over). * Many of the actors from the cast appeared in a series of TV commercials for the IBM Personal Computer. Alan Alda also endorsed the Atari personal computer. * "M*A*S*H" stands for Mobile Army Surgical Hospital. * In the final episode ("Goodbye, Farewell, Amen"), the song "Hail to the Chief/Sayonara" can be heard in a scene between Hawkeye Pierce and Sidney Freedman at the psychiatric hospital. The song originated from Robert Altman's MASH (1970). * Almost 125 million people watched the final episode, at that time the largest audience ever for a television program. * McLean Stevenson, who played Lt. Col. Henry Blake, died of a heart attack on 15 February 1996. The next day, 16 February, Roger Bowen, who played Lt. Col. Henry Blake in the movie, died of the same cause. * The character of Spearchucker disappeared after the first five episodes when the writers found out that there weren't any African American surgeons serving at MASHes in the Korean War. * By the time the show ended, only three characters from the film remained: Hawkeye, Hot Lips, and Father Mulcahy. * Hot Lips Houlihan (Loretta Swit), Hawkeye Pierce (Alan Alda) and Father Mulcahy (William Christopher)are the only three characters who appear both in the first episode and the last episode. * In the episode "Abyssinia, Henry," Henry Blake is sent home. In a surprise twist at the end of the episode, the characters learn that Blake's plane was shot down en route and Henry died. This was kept a surprise from the cast, too, until the moment when Gary Burghoff's character ran into the operating room to announce the news. The intent was to capture the cast's genuine surprise and grief on film; but a mistake in filming required a second take to be done. * Edward Winter first appeared as Capt. Halloran in "Deal Me Out" (8 December 1973), but would later play the paranoid Col. Sam Flagg six times in the series. ("Halloran" may have been one of Flagg's many aliases; when he and Sidney Freedman meet in a later episode, Flagg reminds Freedman they'd once played poker together.) * Gary Burghoff's left hand is slightly deformed, and he took great pains to hide or de-emphasize it during filming. He did this by always holding something in his hand. * BJ's name comes from his parents': Bea and Jay Hunnicut. * All of the replacement characters (BJ, Col. Potter, and Charles) lasted longer then the characters they replaced (Trapper, Henry, and Frank). * After the news of Col. Blake's death shocked the world, the very next night on "The Carol Burnett Show" (1967), the opening shot was of "Henry Blake" in a smoking raft, waving his arms, hollering, "I'm OK!" I'm OK!" * The character of "Hotlips Houlihan" was inspired by the real-life Korean War MASH head nurse "Hotlips Hammerly," also a very attractive blonde, of the same disposition, and also from El Paso, Texas. * The filming location for the exteriors of the 4077 M*A*S*H camp is today known as Malibu Creek State Park in Malibu, California. Formerly called the Fox Ranch, and owned by 20th Century Fox Studios until the 1980s, the site today (early 2001) is overgrown with foliage, and marked by a rusted Jeep and an ambulance used in the show, as well as a small sign. The state park is open to the public. It was also the location where Planet of the Apes (1968) and How Green Was My Valley (1941) were filmed. * When the series was first going into production, the network wanted a laugh track (a sitcom staple), while the show's producers didn't. They compromised with a "chuckle track", played only occasionally. (DVD releases of the series mostly allow viewers a no-laugh-track option.) * When the series was shown in the UK, it didn't have a laugh track. Once, the BBC left it switched on by mistake and received a number of complaints that the intrusive canned laughter spoiled the show's atmosphere. * Alan Alda had a running guest appearance on the TV show "ER" (1994) in which he plays Dr. Gabriel Lawrence, who reminisces about being a doctor in a war. * Col. Henry Blake is from the central Illinois twin cities of Bloomington-Normal. McLean Stevenson, who played Blake, was born and raised in Bloomington-Normal (in McLean County). * Allan Arbus's character, Dr. Sidney Freedman, was called Dr. Milton Freedman in "Radar's Report" (episode # 2.3) 9/29/1973 * While most of the characters from the movie were carried over to the television series, only three actors appeared in both: Gary Burghoff (Radar O'Reilly) and G. Wood (General Hammond) both appeared as the same character they played in the film. Wood only appeared in three episodes of "M*A*S*H" (1972). Timothy Brown, who played Spearchucker Jones on the TV series was also in the original theatrical film, MASH (1970). He was listed in the credits as "Tim Brown" and played a character named Cpl. Judson. * Robert Alda, Alan Alda's father, had guest appearances in two episodes, "The Consultant" and "Lend a Hand". "Lend a Hand" also featured a guest appearance by Antony Alda, Alan Alda's brother. * Gary Burghoff played his character's own mother in the fourth-season episode "Mail Call Again". * Klinger's attempt to be thrown out of the army by wearing women's clothing was inspired by the comedian Lenny Bruce, who similarly attempted to win his way home from active service by dressing up as a WAVE (female officer). * Stuart Margolin appears as two different characters during the first and second season. Oliver Clark and 'Tim O'Connor (I)' also played two different characters on the show, and even John Orchard ("Ugly John" from early in the series) returned for a guest spot later, in another role. * Loudon Wainwright III appeared in three episodes in 1972, playing the character "Captain Calvin Spaulding". The name is taken from "Captain Jeffery T. Spaulding", a character played by Groucho Marx in Animal Crackers (1930). * While he was known for the role, William Christopher didn't play Father Mulcahy in the series pilot. George Morgan originated the role, but was only contracted for the pilot episode. * Many young actors appeared as guest stars before becoming household names: John Ritter, Patrick Swayze, Laurence Fishburne. Ron Howard guest starred while still known as "Ronny" Howard, between "The Andy Griffith Show" (1960) and "Happy Days" (1974). * BJ Hunnicutt's daughter's name, Erin, is the real-life name of Mike Farrell's daughter. * B.J.'s wife's name was Peg. * Frank's wife's name was Louise - as was Trapper John's. Frank had three daughters (names not given); Trapper John had two (Cathy and Becky). * It was Jamie Farr's idea to ironically have Max Klinger voluntarily choose to remain in Korea in the final episode. * There was one nude scene throughout the entire series. It occurred during the episode titled "The Sniper". When Radar was running outside wearing only a towel and the sniper is firing at him, he runs back into the showers, for some reason he takes off his towel *before* he closes the door to the showers. Rear nudity is briefly shown from a distance. * Larry Linville left the show because he felt that the character of Frank Burns was too one-dimensional, and that they'd done all they could do with it. * Max Klinger frequently refers to a baseball team named the Toledo Mud Hens. This team exists in reality. Founded in 1896, it is the AAA minor league affiliate of the Detroit Tigers, and is part of the West Division of the International Baseball League. * First American network series to use the phrase "son-of-a-bitch". * Michael Mann once took a minor role in the series as a wounded soldier. * Hawkeye's father's name was Daniel. Dr. Daniel Pierce was an M.D. who still practiced in Crabapple Cove, Maine, where Hawkeye grew up. (In one of the "Dear Dad" episodes early in the series, however, Hawkeye mentions his father living in Vermont.) * Hawkeye occasionally mentions a sister (even sporting an oversized sweater she'd knitted him) during the first few seasons, and asks his father in a letter to "kiss Mom and Sis" for him. However, Hawkeye later related that he'd been an only child, that his mother died when he was a boy, and that his father had never remarried. * Margaret's father, Alvin Houlihan, was a retired colonel whose nickname was "Howitzer Al". * The ubiquitous helicopters are Bell 47Ds. In the real Korean War, the 47D evacuated 80% of American casualties. (Roads in Korea were primitive, and often treacherous, so helicopters were favored over ambulances.) * In some early episodes, Colonel Blake's wife was called Mildred. Later, she became Lorraine. Colonel Potter's wife was called Mildred. * Charles Emerson Winchester was stationed in Tokyo before he was transferred to the 4077. * Other early career appearances are George Wendt (Norm from "Cheers" (1982)) and 'Andrew "Dice" Clay' (credited as Andrew Clay), who appeared as Marines in the same episode (Wendt had a pool ball stuck in his mouth; Clay was injured driving drunk into a chicken coop). * When Larry Linville left the series after the 1976-1977 season, his absence was explained by having Frank Burns suffer a breakdown after Hot Lips got married. After that he was taken in for psychiatric evaluation and transferred. Later, Burns got promoted to lieutenant colonel and got himself transferred back to the States where he became chief of staff at a V.A. hospital in Indiana. * During filming for the final episode, a brush fire broke out and destroyed much of the set. After that it was decided to write the fire into the story by having the North Koreans set off incendiary devices and start a brush fire. * Wayne Rogers was originally considered for the Hawkeye role; finding the character too sardonic for his tastes, he asked if he could instead test as Trapper John, who was more upbeat. * Much like their onscreen counterparts, the cast bonded and became a "family" on the set, in response to the relative remoteness of the Fox Ranch and the cold weather when filming began. * A catered wrap party had been planned for the end of the third season, but after completing the final scene of "Abyssinia, Henry", with the announcement of Henry Blake's death, nobody felt like celebrating, and they simply went home. Also, after witnessing filming of the announcement of his character's death, McLean Stevenson left the set, driving home almost immediately after the scene. * Wayne Rogers decided to leave the show because he felt that Trapper John had become more of a sidekick to Alan Alda's Hawkeye than the equals they were supposed to be. 20th Century-Fox sued Rogers, but its case collapsed when it transpired that he'd never signed his contract (the reason Rogers cited for this was an archaic "morals clause", which he wouldn't accept unless the studio signed one for him in turn). * Klinger married his first wife, his childhood sweetheart Laverne Esposito, while he was serving in Korea. The ceremony was performed over the short wave radio and officiated by Father Mulcahy, who also performed Klinger's marriage ceremony to his Korean war bride Soon Lee. * While he never played an instrument in any episode, one of Major Burns' prized possessions was a white award Bible he won for playing organ. * As the series went on, the producers began interviewing actual M*A*S*H veterans for their stories and impressions; many of their recollections went into storylines. * Klinger was only going to appear in one episode. However, he proved so popular that he became a regular. * To show the horrors of war, Alan Alda had it written into his contract that each episode had to have at least one scene taking place in the operating room. * When Gary Burghoff decided to leave the series, Mike Farrell tried unsuccessfully to talk him out of it. Specifically, Farrell cited the lackluster, relatively unsuccessful TV careers both McLean Stevenson and Larry Linville had once they earlier left the show. * Larry Hama, the writer of most of the GI Joe comic books, appeared in one episode as a North Korean jeep driver. * It was Alan Alda's idea to have Mike Farrell grow a moustache in the seventh season. Farrell kept it for the rest of the show's run. * Frank Burns had three middle names during his time on the show: W., Marion and D. * While Major Burns almost never drank, the camp's Officer's Club (later opened to enlisted personnel) was built at his request, after the surgeons saved Gen. Mitchell's son. * The original broadcast of Episode #9.20, "The Life You Save", was delayed by several weeks. It featured a subplot about Maj. Winchester becoming obsessed with death after almost being shot. It was scheduled to on the same day that U.S. President Ronald Reagan was wounded in an assassination attempt. The network felt the audience was not in the mood to see the episode at that time. * The PA announcer (voiced by Sal Viscuso) is the same for the entire series, and is never seen on screen. (Viscuso appeared occasionally on camera, but not making announcements.) * John Fujioka, who played the uncredited role of a Japanese Golf Pro in the movie, appeared three times in the series. The first time was in "Dear Ma" (12-23-1975) as Colonel Kim, the second time was in "The Tooth Shall Set You Free (02-08-1982) as Duc Phon Jong and the last time he played a peasant in "Picture This" (04-05-1982). * Frank Burns' nickname "Ferret Face" came from his brother; he mentioned it to Hawkeye and Trapper John once, during a rare drinking binge, and they never forgot it. (Even BJ's first words to Burns when they met were "What say, Ferret Face?") * The surgeons' tent was called "The Swamp". * Although "Goodbye, Farewell and Amen" was the final episode that aired, the episode "As Time Goes By", which was the second last episode that aired, was in fact shot after "Goodbye, Farewell and Amen". * Both Major Margaret Houlihan and Cpl. Max Klinger were married (Margaret in person, Klinger over the phone) and divorced during their service at the 4077th. * Stuart Margolin made two guest appearances as separate characters who attempted to make love to a screaming, resisting Major Houlihan. * Charles carried a photograph of himself having lunch with movie star Audrey Hepburn, whom he met through a family associate. Though thoroughly charmed by Hepburn, Charles had still never seen any of her movies. * One of Col. Potter's guilty pleasures was watching Doris Day perform, onstage or onscreen. He'd seen all her movies, but never took his wife Mildred to one.
"It is the ability to take a joke, not make one, that proves you have a sense of humor." --Max Eastman
"You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation." --Plato
"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her." -- W.C. Fields
"I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it." --George Bernard Shaw
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." -- Henny Youngman
"What was significant about the laughter... was not just the fact that it provides internal exercise for a person... a form of jogging for the innards, but that it creates a mood in which the other positive emotions can be put to work, too." --Norman Cousins
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " --Frank Sinatra
"There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up." --John Andrew Holmes, Jr.
"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind." -- Humphrey Bogart
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." --Jackie Mason
Bob Casselberry sent this one to Bud. Interesting! I can picture the Bartleys or the Muthlers or Mouse doing this. My aunt's neighbor in New York had a beautiful black cat, named Felix, who spent his days outside and came indoors at night. One cool October evening, he disappeared. The neighbor searched for him in vain for several days. The following spring, however, Felix reappeared, looking healthy and clean. She figured he's been out sowing his wild oats. Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Felix disappeared again. The next spring, he returned. Perplexed, my aunt's friend began asking neighbors for clues. Finally, she rang the bell of a retired couple who lived down the street. "A black cat?" the woman said "Oh, yes! My husband and I hated to see him out in the cold, so we bought a cat carrier. We take him to Florida with us every winter."
Subject: Baby Boomers: Bud Casselberry featured these renamed tunes. It was fun being a baby boomer...till now. Some of the artists of the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. 1. Herman's Hermits: Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker 2. The Bee Gees: How Can You Mend a Broken Hip 3. Bobby Darin: Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash 4. Ringo Starr: I Get By With a Little Help from Depends 5. Roberta Flack: The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face 6. Johnny Nash: I Can't See Clearly Now 7. Paul Simon: Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver 8. Commodores: Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom 9. Marvin Gaye: Heard it Through the Grape Nuts 10. Procol Harem: A White Shade of Hair 11. Leo Sayer: You Make Me Feel Like Napping 12. The Temptations: Papa's Got a Kidney Stone 13. Abba: Denture Queen 14. Tony Orlando: Knock Three Times on the Ceiling if you Hear Me Fall 15. Helen Reddy: I am Woman, Hear me Snore 16. Willie Nelson: On the Throne Again 17. Leslie Gore: My Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want To
This one from Jim Rockwell. The husband had finished his book, "Man of The House," by the time he reached home. He stormed into the house, walked up to his wife, and pointing a finger in her face said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare a gourmet meal for me tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal I expect a scrumptious dessert. After that, you are going to draw my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair?" The wife replied, "That's easy - Woosie your funeral director."
MILITARY WISDOM From Bob Watson. Jack Kneedler, You'll especially enjoy the aviation ones. "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S. Marine Corps -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General Macarthur -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." - U.S. Navy Swabbie -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "If your attack is going too well, your walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Never trade luck for skill." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh S...!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum." - Jon McBride, astronaut -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible." - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970 -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot) --------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE GROANERS: Al Gore would have a hissie. From Just For Grins One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that very moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. In court, he plead innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor. In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. What did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"
Flying Blind This one from Joanna Condo. As the passengers are settling into their seats, two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle toward the cockpit. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Frank, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
FROM OUR MEDICAL VOLUMES...An oldie from David Glossner. A man started a new job. At first he commuted alone, but soon decided to drive in with his colleagues. Within a week, though, his wrists began to hurt severely. Oddly, the pain only occurred while they were driving through a tunnel. Finally, he saw a doctor. His problem was diagnosed as carpool tunnel syndrome!
Gary 'n Patti for this one. I'm reluctant to post it but then what is a Groaner Category for? A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started. "Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished. The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says , "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
You do the math. This one from C. Wayne Wert and from the archives. At New York's Kennedy airport a bit ago, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Then Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. "As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared. When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. "I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line." President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts off vertex." Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertain of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks.
BEGORRA!! SAINT PATRICK'S DAY...IRISH DAY IS COMING!