KCNET NEWSLETTER FUN PAGE 01/30/05
TRIVIA QUOTES CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS
Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.
"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
"I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself."
"The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other."
"Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president."
Art Fern: How do you get there? Let me tell you friends, how do you get there! You take the San Diego Freeway to the Ventura Freeway. You drive to the Slaussen Cutoff, get out of your car, cut off your Slaussen, get back in your car, then you drive six miles till you see the Giant Neon Vice-Squad Cop.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
Art Fern: Got no job? We don't care. Got a bad credit rating? We don't care. Got a prison record? We don't care. Don't expect to pay us? THAT'S when we care!
Art Fern: Now back to our feature film! Woody Harrelson, Woody Allen, Woody Woodpecker, Woody Herman, Herman Munster, and Dumpo the Wonder Pigeon, in "Heidi Suffers an Estrogen Avalanche."
The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
Some quotes from Johnny Carson on his final show, May 22, 1992:
(On then-Vice President Dan Quayle, whose remarks on single mothers and the TV show Murphy Brown were making headlines): "I really want to thank him for making my final week so fruitful."
"And so it has come to this. I am one of the lucky people in the world. I found something that I always wanted to do and I have enjoyed every single minute of it."
"You people watching, I can only tell you that it's been an honor and a privilege coming into your homes all these years to entertain you. And I hope when I find something I want to do and think you would like, I can come back and (you will be) as gracious in inviting me into your homes as you have been." "I bid you a very heartfelt good night."
Sports Fanatic Cute from Good Clean Fun and Bud. My son is a sports fanatic and he has well-worn T-shirts, caps, and sweatshirts from every local team. One night, we were getting ready for an annual fund-raiser for our local theater organization. My wife called out to my son, "This is a pretty fancy dinner. You'll have to wear a sports jacket." My son answered, "Which team?"
Ms Fix-It This one from the same place as Little Joey above. My sister has the courage, but not always the skills, to tackle any home - repair project. For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawnmower she once tried to fix. So I wasn't surprised the day my other sister, Dianne, and I found our sister attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver. "I can't get this thing to cooperate," she explained when she saw us. Dianne suggested, "Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawnmower?"
Always check for a light at the end of the tunnell. from Gary n' Patti A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners. "Go away!" said the old lady. I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder. The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a whale of a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning!!!!
Quick thinking From Just For Grins. At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him." The father, a grocery-store manager, took the advice. During the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride's hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no return."
C. Wayne Wert for this one. Dennis was down at the local police station wanting to talk to the burglar who'd broken in his house the night before. The desk sergeant was adamant. "No. You'll get your chance in court, sir." "No, no, you don't understand," Dennis said. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
Maybe this isn't a joke. I hope it works. We'll see what happens in 30 days or so. From Gary n' Patti 1. Open a new file in your PC. 2 Name it "Housework." 3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN 4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN 5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete housework permanently?" 6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly.... 7. All done. Feel better?
THE GROANERS:
It's nice to have Dr Bill Hamm back and sending Bud those good groaners. One day, three unemployed factory workers heard that a large food company was enlarging and needed more staff. So they went downtown to see if they could get themselves a job. After filing out their applications, each one was interviewed and each one managed to get hired. As they were waiting to be assigned their new duties, a foreman came by and spoke to the hiring boss. The foreman told the boss that he didn't think it was such a good idea as one of the workers had snapped for no apparent reason at his last job. Also a second was said to have had cracked up after severe mental stress. The third, he believed was their father who he felt was a bit odd but he couldn't put his finger on it. The hiring boss reassured the foreman and said that they would start on something easy and after a week, the company would re-assess them to see if they would be kept on. The foreman reluctantly agreed and asked the boss where he thought they should start. The boss replied, "Why not take them and put them in our Cereal Division...Snap, Crackle and Pop should work out fine down there."
This on is a groaner for sure. From Just For Grins. Tom worked as a bag boy in a supermarket for 5 years. One day the supermarket got new orange juice machines, and Tom was real excited and asked the manager if he can work the juice machines. The manager said no. Tom argued, "But I've been working here for 5 years, why can't I run the juice machines?" The manager replied, "I'm sorry, but baggers can't be juicers."
You've heard of the Pat and Mike stories, here is a Sue and Mike story. One day I was reading a newspaper. On page two was a picture of a famous politician and his gorgeous wife. Slightly jealous of the politician, I turned to my wife and said, "It's unfair that the biggest jerks in the world catch the most beautiful wives." Sue smiled and replied, "Why, thank you dear."
Sue's age? She graduated long after Phil.
Stick a fork in me, I'm done for this week.