God's Thoughts on Lawns (Thanks
to Jim Rockwell for this one.
Lawns my way would be cement
painted green. (Mike)
GOD: "Frank, you know all about gardens and
nature.
What in the world is going on down there on
that planet Earth? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle
and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden
plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and
multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms
attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected
to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green
rectangles."
ST. FRANCIS: "It's the tribes that settled
there, LORD. The suburbanites, they started calling your flowers
"weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass."
GOD: "Grass? But it's so boring.
It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees,
only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures.
Do these Suburbanites really want all that
grass growing there?"
ST. FRANCIS: "Apparently so, LORD.
They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each
spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up
in the lawn."
GOD: "The spring rains and warm weather probably
make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy."
ST. FRANCIS: "Apparently not, LORD.
As soon as it grows a little, they cut it -- sometimes twice a week."
GOD: "They cut it? Do they then bail
it like hay?"
ST. FRANCIS: "Not exactly, LORD.
Most of them rake it up and put it in bags."
GOD: "They bag it? Why? Is it a
cash crop? Do they sell it?"
ST. FRANCIS: "No, Sir. Just the
opposite. They pay to throw it away."
GOD: "Now let me get this straight. They
fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut
it off and pay to throw it away?"
ST. FRANCIS: "Yes, Sir."
GOD: "These Suburbanites must be relieved in
the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That
surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work."
ST. FRANCIS: "You aren't going to believe
this LORD.
When the grass stops growing so fast, they
drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow
it and pay to get rid of it."
GOD: "What nonsense. At least they kept
some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say
so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty
and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and
form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees
and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance
the soil. It's a natural circle of life."
ST. FRANCIS: "You better sit down, LORD.
The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall,
they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away."
GOD: No. "What do they do to protect
the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?"
ST. FRANCIS: "After throwing away the
leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They
haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves."
GOD: "And where do they get this mulch?"
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and
grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD: "Enough. I don't want to think about
this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts.
What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?"
ST. CATHERINE: ”Dumb and Dumber, Lord.
It's a real stupid movie about...."
GOD: "Never mind, I think I just heard the
whole story from St Francis."
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