KCNET NEWSLETTER FUN PAGE 11/14/04
TRIVIA: * The growth rate of some bamboo plants can reach three feet (91.44 cm) per day. * The Los Angeles Rams were the first U.S. football team to introduce emblems on their helmets. * The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. * The average garden variety caterpillar has 248 muscles in its head. * An elephant can be pregnant for up to two years. * The two quickest goals scored in the NHL were three seconds apart. * Dartboards are made out of horsehairs. * Your left lung is smaller than your right lung to make room for your heart. * 'Crack' gets it name because it crackles when you smoke it. * Heroin is the brand name of morphine once marketed by Bayer. * Marijuana is Spanish for 'Mary Jane.' * One of the many Tarzans, Karmuela Searlel, was mauled to death on the set by a raging elephant. * Slinkys were invented by an airplane mechanic; he was playing with engine parts and realized the possible secondary use of one of the springs. * U.S. Interstates which go north-south are numbered sequentially starting from the west with odd numbers, and Interstates which go east-west are numbered sequentially starting from the south with even numbers. * Today's cattle are descended from two species: wild aurochs -- fierce and agile herd animals that populated Asia, North Africa and Europe -- and eotragus -- an antelope-like, Asian forest creature. * Ballroom dancing is a major at Brigham Young University. * Professional ballerinas use about twelve pairs of toe shoes per week. The anteater, aardvark, spiny anteater (echidna), and scaly anteater (pangolin) are completely unrelated - in fact, the closest relatives to anteaters are sloths and armadillos, the closest relative to the spiny anteater is the platypus, and the aardvark is in an order all by itself. * There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball. * Octopi have gardens. * The Beatles song "Martha My Dear" was written by Paul McCartney about his sheepdog Martha. * "Ever think you're hearing something in a song, but they're really singing something else? The word formis-heard lyrics is 'mondegreen,' and it comes from a folk song in the '50's. The singer was actually singing "They slew the Earl of Morray and laid him on the green," but this came off sounding like 'They slew the Earl of Morray and Lady Mondegreen." * A walla-walla scene is one where extras pretend to be talking in the background -- when they say "walla-walla" it looks like they are actually talking. * The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. * The youngest letters in the English language are "j," "v" and "w." * The Australian $5, $10, $20, $50 and $100 notes are made out of plastic. * Cranberry Jello is the only jello flavor that comes from real fruit, not artificial flavoring. * The oldest exposed surface on earth is New Zealand's south island. * John Lennon's assassin was carrying a copy of "The Catcher in the Rye" when he shot the famous Beatle in 1980. * Don MacLean's song "American Pie" was written about Buddy Holly, The Big Bopper, and Ritchie Valens. All three were on the same plane that crashed. * A game of pool is referred to as a "frame." * Impotence is legal grounds for divorce in 24 American states. * The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper. * Some biblical scholars believe that Aramaic (the language of the ancient Bible) did not contain an easy way to say "many things" and used a term which has come down to us as 40. This means that when the bible -- in many places -- refers to "40 days," they meant many days. * 101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy ) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie. * The Soviet Sukhoi-34 is the first strike fighter with a toilet in it. * They Might Be Giants is the first modern band with an Accordion and a Glockenspiel * Napoleon constructed his battle plans in a sandbox. * "Strengths' is the longest word in the English language with just one vowel. * Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand. * One of the longest English words that can be typed using the top row of a typewriter (allowing multiple uses of letters) is 'typewriter.' * When a giraffe's baby is born it falls from a height of six feet, normally without being hurt. * Virgina Woolf wrote all her books standing. * The tango originated as a dance between two men (for partnering practice).
"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." - - Will Rogers
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." - - Ann Landers
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." - - Ben Williams
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than they love themselves." - - Josh Billings
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." - - Andy Rooney
"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made." - - M. Acklam
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." - - Rita Rudner
"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never bathed a dog." - - Franklin P. Jones
If your dog is fat, YOU aren't getting enough exercise.
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money." - - Joe Weinstein
"Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? We come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" - - Anne Tyler
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" - - Dave Barry
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they do make our lives whole." - - Roger Caras
"If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving your dog only two of them." - - Phil Pastoret
My goal in life is to be as good of a person as my dog already thinks I am.
CHUCKLES AND BELLY LAUGHS Now that its all done, here is one for each. For the Elephants One sunny day in February 2005, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said! "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry." The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry." The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again walked away. The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Kerry. I've told you already that Mr. Kerry is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?" The old man answered, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
For the Donkeys A busload of Republican politicians were traveling down a country road when the bus suddenly ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's field. The old farmer heard the tragic crash so he rushed over to investigate. He then began digging a large grave to bury the politicians. A few hours later, the local sheriff was driving past the farmer's field and noticed the bus wreck. He approached the old farmer and asked where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer explained that he'd gone ahead and buried all of them. "Were they ALL dead?" asked the puzzled sheriff. "Well, some of them said they weren't," said the old farmer, "but you know how them Republican politicians lie." Express Checkout Here is one I'd like to hear every once in a while. Li'l ol' ladies just can't count when it comes to grocery check outs. It was a Saturday afternoon, and Ray had rushed down to the local supermarket to hurriedly pick up some hamburger rolls, chips and a few condiments. The big college game was going to be on, so he was having a few friends over to watch it. The store was loaded with shoppers and as he headed for the six item express lane, the only one that didn't have a long line, a woman completely ignoring the overhead sign slipped into the check-out line just in front of him pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Ray was quietly fuming at the anticipated delay. But the elderly cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked ever so sweetly, "So Dearie, which six items would you like to buy?" Perfect...Dr. Bill Hamm sent this one to Bud - Bud shared it with us. A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married ? Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl." "Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry." "Yes, there was one girl .. once. I guess she was the one perfect girl .. the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything .. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me." "Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend. "She was looking for the perfect man," he said. C. Wayne Wert for this one. Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch. The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life. Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found. "He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!" "He said 'will you marry me'?" Marcy asked. Heather replied, "No, he said 'put your money away'." C. Wayne strikes again. We had our ten-year-old daughter late in life, long after our two boys were born. She is the joy of my husband's life, but he is self-conscious about being an older father. He likes to jokingly tell people that by the time she graduates from high school, he'll be in a nursing home. One day she asked, "Mom, you know how Dad always says he'll be in a home when I graduate?" I nodded, expecting some sad question about mortality. She continued, "Can I have the car then?" Fasten Seat Belts This one from Good Clean Fun via Bud Casselberry Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one. Just before landing, he asked the flight attendant about it. "Well," she explained, "up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend. In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you do?" The wedding...Dr. Bill for this one too. I never looked at the wedding color tradition like this but it makes sense. Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?" THE GROANERS: BLONDE WINS A MOTORHOME Sonya VanOrder sent this one. A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!" The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch." But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!" Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize!" The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!" And she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads .. "W I N A B A G E L" Groan, Groan A steam locomotive passing through Poland one night was running low on coal. The engineer said to his fireman, "We're coming to a town, let's stop and send the porter out to get more coal. Can you see the name of the town on the depot sign?" "It appears to be Danzig - in the dark." And the engineer shouted, "Buy coal, Porter!" Posted with great trepidation. Bubba and Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush. About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?" "Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper." AFTER WHICH THEY VOTED....These are as good as the "Here's Your Sign" --Stupid. While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When another person jumped in and explained that the sun rises in the east (and has for some time), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff." , , , And then she voted. I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got a call from an Individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week". He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh ... Pacific." . . . And then he voted. So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the admin assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving." . . . And then she voted. My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the passenger side door's map pocket. . . . And then she voted. My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought two cases. The cashier multiplied two times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. . . . And then he voted. I was hanging out with a friend of mine when we saw a woman walk by us with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I had to explain to her that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned. . . . And then she voted. My girlfriend and I were picking up some sandwiches from the sub place last week and she asked the clerk which one of two sandwiches was better. The clerk didn't have an opinion but did say that the first sandwich was more expensive. My girlfriend got a quizzical look on her face and asked, "If that's the case, why are they both listed with the same price on the menu?" To this, the clerk responded, "I don't think they tax the turkey." . . And then he voted. I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," She asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?" . . . And then she voted.
Express Checkout Here is one I'd like to hear every once in a while. Li'l ol' ladies just can't count when it comes to grocery check outs. It was a Saturday afternoon, and Ray had rushed down to the local supermarket to hurriedly pick up some hamburger rolls, chips and a few condiments. The big college game was going to be on, so he was having a few friends over to watch it. The store was loaded with shoppers and as he headed for the six item express lane, the only one that didn't have a long line, a woman completely ignoring the overhead sign slipped into the check-out line just in front of him pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Ray was quietly fuming at the anticipated delay. But the elderly cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked ever so sweetly, "So Dearie, which six items would you like to buy?"
Perfect...Dr. Bill Hamm sent this one to Bud - Bud shared it with us. A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married ? Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl." "Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry." "Yes, there was one girl .. once. I guess she was the one perfect girl .. the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything .. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me." "Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend. "She was looking for the perfect man," he said.
C. Wayne Wert for this one. Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch. The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life. Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found. "He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!" "He said 'will you marry me'?" Marcy asked. Heather replied, "No, he said 'put your money away'."
C. Wayne strikes again. We had our ten-year-old daughter late in life, long after our two boys were born. She is the joy of my husband's life, but he is self-conscious about being an older father. He likes to jokingly tell people that by the time she graduates from high school, he'll be in a nursing home. One day she asked, "Mom, you know how Dad always says he'll be in a home when I graduate?" I nodded, expecting some sad question about mortality. She continued, "Can I have the car then?"
Fasten Seat Belts This one from Good Clean Fun via Bud Casselberry Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one. Just before landing, he asked the flight attendant about it. "Well," she explained, "up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend. In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you do?"
The wedding...Dr. Bill for this one too. I never looked at the wedding color tradition like this but it makes sense. Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"
THE GROANERS: BLONDE WINS A MOTORHOME Sonya VanOrder sent this one. A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!" The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch." But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!" Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize!" The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!" And she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads .. "W I N A B A G E L"
Groan, Groan A steam locomotive passing through Poland one night was running low on coal. The engineer said to his fireman, "We're coming to a town, let's stop and send the porter out to get more coal. Can you see the name of the town on the depot sign?" "It appears to be Danzig - in the dark." And the engineer shouted, "Buy coal, Porter!"
Posted with great trepidation. Bubba and Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush. About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?" "Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."
AFTER WHICH THEY VOTED....These are as good as the "Here's Your Sign" --Stupid. While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When another person jumped in and explained that the sun rises in the east (and has for some time), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff." , , , And then she voted.
I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got a call from an Individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week". He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh ... Pacific." . . . And then he voted.
So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the admin assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving." . . . And then she voted.
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the passenger side door's map pocket. . . . And then she voted.
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought two cases. The cashier multiplied two times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. . . . And then he voted.
I was hanging out with a friend of mine when we saw a woman walk by us with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I had to explain to her that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned. . . . And then she voted.
My girlfriend and I were picking up some sandwiches from the sub place last week and she asked the clerk which one of two sandwiches was better. The clerk didn't have an opinion but did say that the first sandwich was more expensive. My girlfriend got a quizzical look on her face and asked, "If that's the case, why are they both listed with the same price on the menu?" To this, the clerk responded, "I don't think they tax the turkey." . . And then he voted.
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," She asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?" . . . And then she voted.
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