KCNET NEWSLETTER FUN PAGE 11/07/04
TRIVIA: * Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the capital" in the Korean language. * Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been over mixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever since. * The original fifty cent piece in Australian decimal currency had around $2.00 worth of silver in it before it was replaced with a less expensive twelve sided coin. * "Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself. At about that height it hits maximum speed and when it hits the ground it's rib cage absorbs most of the impact. So throw your cat off a building today!" * There are eight different sizes of champagne bottle and the largest is called a Nebuchadnezzar (after the Biblical king who put Daniel's three friends into the oven). * The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti. * The female ferret is referred to as a `jill'. * The word rodent comes from the Latin word `rodere' meaning to gnaw. * Australian Rules Football was originally designed to give cricketers something to play during the off season. * Alexander the Great was an epileptic. * The lead singer of The Knack, famous for "My Sharona," and Jack Kevorkian's lead defense attorney are brothers, Doug & Jeffrey Feiger. * Elizabeth Bacon Custer, wife of "The Boy General" is one of the few women buried at the U.S. Military academy at West Point, New York. * "Freelance" comes from a knight whose lance was free for hire, i.e. not pledged to one master.) * The only bone not broken so far during any ski accident is one located in the inner ear. * The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz." * There are ten human body parts that are only three letters long: Eye, Ear, Leg, Arm, Jaw, Gum, Toe, Lip, Hip and Rib. * Michigan was the first state to have roadside picnic tables. * Elvis had a twin brother named Jesse Garon, who died at birth, which is why Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron; in honor of his brother. * Fitchburg, Massachusetts is the second hillest city in the US. * During WWII the city of Leningrad underwent a seventeen month German siege. Unable to access the city by roads, the Russians built a railroad across the ice on Lake Lagoda to get food and supplies to the citizens. * The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. * Thomas Edison got patents for a method of making concrete furniture and a cigar which was supposed to burn forever * Elton John's real name is Reginald Dwight. Elton comes from Elton Dean, a Bluesology sax player. John comes from Long John Baldry, founder of Blues Inc. They were the first electric white blues band ever seen in England--1961 * Elton John's uncle was a professional soccer player. He broke his leg playing for Nottingham Forest in the 1959 English FA Cup Final. * The saying "it's so cold out there it could freeze the balls off a brass monkey" came from when they had old cannons like ones used in the Civil War. The cannonballs were stacked in a pyramid formation, called a brass monkey. When it got extremely cold outside they would crack and break off... Thus the saying. * Horses cannot vomit. * Rabbits cannot vomit. * The word "Boondocks" comes from the Tagalog (Filipino) word "Bundok," which means mountain. * Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself. * The "chapters" of the New Testament were not there originally. When monks in medieval times translated it * from the Greek, they numbered the pages in each "book." * Coca-Cola contains neither coca nor cola. * Yucatan, as in the peninsula, is from Maya "u" + "u" + "uthaan," meaning "listen to how they speak," what the Maya said when they first heard the Spaniards. * The term, "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye" is from Ancient Rome. * The only rule during wrestling matches was, "No eye gouging." Everything else was allowed, but the only way to be disqualified is to poke someone's eye out. * The original plan for Disneyland included a Lilliputland. * S.O.S. doesn't stand for "Save Our Ship" or "Save Our Souls" -- It was just chosen by an 1908 international * conference on Morse Code because the letters S and O were easy to remember and just about anyone could key it and read it, S = dot dot dot, O = dash dash dash.. * The word "moose" was originally Algonquin. * The Sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for more cows." * The "ZIP" in Zip Code stands for "Zone Improvement Plan." * Pocahontas appeared on the back of the $20 bill in 1875. * When a female horse and male donkey mate, the offspring is called a mule, but when a male horse and female donkey mate, the offspring is called a hinny. * The way to get more mules is to mate a male donkey with a female horse. * A donkey will sink in quicksand but a mule won't. * Crickets hear through their knees. * Turnips turn green when sunburnt. * Pigs, walruses and light-colored horses can be sunburned. * A type of jellyfish found off the coast of England is the longest animal in the world. * When Voyager 2 visited Neptune it saw a small irregular white cloud that zips around Neptune every sixteen hours or so now known as "The Scooter". * Crows have the largest cerebral hemispheres, relative to body size, of any avian family. * Martha's Vineyard once had its own dialect of Sign Language. One deaf person arrived in 1692 and after that there was a relatively large genetically deaf population that had their own particular dialect of sign language. From 1692-1910 nearly all hearing people on the island were bilingual in sign language and English. * Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister. * Hugh "Ward Cleaver" Beaumont was an ordained minister. * Sir Isaac Newton was an ordained priest in the Church of England. * St. Bernard is the patron saint of skiers. * The Old English word for "sneeze" is "fneosan." * John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles. * According to the ceremonial customs of Orthodox Judaism, it is officially sundown when you cannot tell the difference between a black thread and a red one. * A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. * Woodpecker scalps, porpoise teeth and giraffe tails have all been used as money. * Cyano-acrylate glues (Super glues) were invented by accident. The researcher was trying to make optical coating materials, and would test their properties by putting them between two prisms and shining light through them. When he tried the cyano-acrylate, he couldn't get the prisms apart * Most of the little schoolhouses in the U.S. of yesteryear were painted red because red was the least expensive paint color. * Elizabeth I of England suffered from anthophobia, a fear of roses. * Almost half the bones in your body are in your hands and feet. * A flamingo can eat only when its head is upside down. * Dalmatian dogs are born pure white, they don't start getting spots until they are three or four days old.
"A successful marriage is not a gift; it is an achievement." --Ann Landers
"If a man carefully examines his thoughts he will be surprised to find how much he lives in the future. His well-being is always ahead." --Ralph Waldo Emerson
"I got the blues thinking of the future, so I left off and made some marmalade. It's amazing how it cheers one up to shred oranges and scrub the floor." --D. H. Lawrence
"By-and-by never comes." --St. Augustine
"You have to count on living every single day in a way you believe will make you feel good about your life - so that if it were over tomorrow, you'd be content with yourself." --Jane Seymour
"What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds." --Cindy Garner
"When angry count four; when very angry, swear." --Mark Twain
"He who angers you conquers you." --Elizabeth Kenny
"Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious." --Brendan Gill
"Doubt is the father of invention." --Galileo Galilei
"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what can you believe?" --Bullwinkle J. Moose
CHUCKLES AND BELLY LAUGHS A final politician joke From Just for Grins A man was walking down a street in Washington. A robber suddenly came up behind him, pulled out a gun and said, "Gimme all your money, now!" The victim replied, "You can't do this to me! I'm a Congressman!" The robber thought for a moment, then said, "In that case, gimme all of MY money!"
Routine Physical A man goes to a doctor for a routine physical. This one from Good Clean Fun and Bud Casselberry. The nurse starts with the basics. "How much do you weigh?" she asks. "Oh, about One-sixty-five." he says. The nurse puts him on the scale. It turns out that his weight is 187. The nurse asks, "Your height?" "Oh, about six feet," he says. The nurse checks and sees that he's only 5 feet 8 3/4 inches. She then takes his blood pressure, and it's very high. "High!" The man explains, "Of course it's high. When I came in here, I was tall and lanky. Now, I'm short and fat!"
An Apt Title? - - - Bill Hamm sent this one to Bud. A local Pastor joined a community-service club, and the members thought they would have some fun with him. Under his name badge they printed, "Hog Caller" as his occupation. Everyone made a big fanfare as the badge was presented. The Pastor responded by saying, "I usually am called the 'Shepherd of the sheep'... but you know your people better than I do!"
Addition Test - -Another Bill Hamm Little Johnny wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an addition test: Mr. Proctor: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Little Johnny : SEVEN! Mr. Proctor: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Little Johnny : SEVEN! Mr. Proctor: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, and two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got? Little Johnny : SIX. Mr. Proctor: Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Little Johnny : SEVEN! Mr. Proctor: How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven? Little Johnny : I've already got one rabbit at home!
I never expected this ending. Wayne Smith sent this one. A tough-looking biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. Next, he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem, how to carry all of his purchases home. The owner said, "Put the anvil in the bucket, and carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand." "Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went. But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me against the wall and ravish me?" The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
How to Call the Police Jack Laubscher sent this one. George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Are any of those people in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply stay in his house, lock his doors and an officer would be along when available. George said,! "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned The police again. "Hello I just called you a few seconds ago Because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all". Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up! at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said That you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Score one for the police The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country. Bud Casselberry featured this one in his weekly Jokefest Newsletter. * "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile." * "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." * "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." * "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun." * "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" * "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh . . . did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?" * "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." * "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?" * "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in goat poop." * "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." * "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC." * "Just how big were those two beers?" * "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want." * "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail." (and my favorite . . .) * "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You' re right, we don't. Sign here."
THE GROANERS: THE FRIARS Janet gets credit for this monster groaner. The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. The rival florist across town saw his business drop dramatically, so he hired several thugs to try to "persuade" the friars to close up the shop. But the friars ignored the threats. Finally the rival hired Hugh MacMeany, the roughest and most meanest thug in town, to do his dirty work. Hugh beat up the friars and thrashed the store, saying that he'd be back if they didn't close up shop that very day. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars!
Herb Larson sent this one. It is one of my favorite groaners. (Mike) A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "what's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Bill Myers found this gem. Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. Zeb's favorite rooster was old > Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, Zebu noticed that Brewster's bell had not rung at all! Zeb went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize but also the......... Pulletsurprise. Ooooooh that's bad!!!!
Another blonde GROANER. This one from Bud Casselberry. 80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says,"Ninety?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened, the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says,"Four?" Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
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