KCNET NEWSLETTER FUN PAGE 10/31/04
TRIVIA: DIDJA KNOW? * American car horns beep in the tone of F. * The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache. * Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there. * Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. * The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets. * Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin. * The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer. * Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts. * Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on a Pez dispenser. * The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated the direction of the bubbles. * No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times. * 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television. * Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older. * A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brothers' first flight. * The albatross drinks sea water. It has a special desalinization apparatus that strains out and excretes all excess salt. * In Clarendon, Texas, there is reportedly a law on the books that lawyers must accept eggs, chickens, or other produce, as well as money, as payment of legal fees. * Cats purr at 26 cycles per second, the same as an idling diesel engine. * A dragonfly flaps its wings 20 to 40 times a second, bees and houseflies 200 times, some mosquitoes 600 times, and a tiny gnat 1,000 times. * Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor. * Marilyn Monroe had six toes. * The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum. * A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. * The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed." * Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic." * The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used. * Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan. * All porcupines float in water. * Cat's urine glows under a black light. * Non-dairy creamer is flammable. *When opossums are playing 'possum', they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror
A group of unicorns is called a blessing. Twelve or more cows are known as a "flink." A group of frogs is called an army. A group of rhinos is called a crash. A group of kangaroos is called a mob A group of whales is called a pod. A group of ravens is called a murder. A group of officers is called a mess. A group of larks is called an exaltation. A group of owls is called a parliament.
* Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been overmixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever since. [It floats in gasoline, too.] * If you could count the number of times a cricket chirps in one minute, divide by 2, add 9 and divide by 2 again, you would have the correct temperature in Celsius degrees * During the Civil War, Robert E. Lee was offered command of the Union Army before he accepted his post with the Confederacy. * Margaret Higgins Sanger, the birth-control pioneer, was one of eleven children. * There are more than 15,000 different varieties of rice. *When a man died in ancient Egypt, the females in his family would smear their heads and faces with mud and wander through the city beating themselves and tearing off their clothes. * Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.
QUOTES: "Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate embraces; marriage is also three meals a day, sharing the workload and remembering to carry out the trash." --Dr. Joyce Brothers
"Sweat plus sacrifice equals success." --Charles O. Finley
"Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and repeat to yourself the most comforting words of all: This, too, shall pass." --Ann Landers
"Happy the man who has broken the chains which hurt the mind, and has given up worrying, once and for all." --Ovid
"What worries you, masters you." --Haddon W. Robinson
"Don't hurry, don't worry. You're only here for a short visit. So be sure and stop to smell the flowers." --Walter Hagen
Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. --Marie Curie
Do the thing you fear to do and keep on doing it... that is the quickest and surest way ever yet discovered to conquer fear. --Dale Carnegie
Try a thing you haven't done three times. Once, to get over the fear of doing it. Twice, to learn how to do it. And a third time to figure out whether you like it or not. --Virgil Thomson
CHUCKLES AND BELLY LAUGHS Darwin Award Nominees: Posted September 29, 2004 Don Miller of Renovo sent these in. It is hard to imagine the reasoniing behind each of these situations. Oh well they each earned a STUPID sign too. To bad they aren't about to wear them. Darwin's are awarded every year to the persons who died in the most stupid manner, thereby removing themselves from the gene pool. This year's nine nominees are:
Nominee No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
Nominee No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]: James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
Nominee No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]: Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear. (For whatever reason, residents of Southern states always seem to figure prominently among the Darwin nominees.)
Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]: Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. (Nice to see another Canadian province getting into the awards.... The Maritimes always have been heavily involved.)
Nominee No. 5: [Bloomberg News Service]: A terrible diet and a room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas emissions. There was no mark on his body, and an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his nearly airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick, and one was hospitalized.
Nominee No. 6: [The News of the Weird]: Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted. (South Carolina entrants are always perennial favorites.)
Nominee No. 7: [The Indianapolis Star]: A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
Nominee No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]: A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said. (Another Ontario entry.... I wonder if people are moving there from the Maritime Provinces.)
Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]: Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip on an overcast Sunday night when Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge. After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement, and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his testicals off, or we might both be dead," stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck??? (Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole DID, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.)
Pretty Smart This one from Good Clean Fun via Bud Casselberry. The two ladies were sitting in the living room, waiting for their hostess, who was slightly delayed. The daughter of the family was with them, on the theory that she would keep the visitors occupied during the wait. The child was about six years old, snub nosed, freckled, buck-toothed and bespectacled. She maintained a deep silence and the two ladies peered doubtfully at her. Finally, one of them muttered to the other, "Not very p-r-e-t-t-y, I fear," carefully spelling the key word. Whereupon the child piped up, "But awfully s-m-a-r-t!"
911 Call Another Good Clean Fun one. Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Dang ... I think I'm going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dang ... Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No. Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the police. So don't send them.
C. Wayne Wert sent this one. It borders Groaner classification. The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share? "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife." "She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy soldiers. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife,till the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?" "Stay far away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking."
Signs that your new car is a lemon From Just For Grins. As you leave the used car lot, you see the owner rush out with a gigantic smile and high-five the salesman. You notice that the car phone they threw in "for free" has Moe's Towing Company on speed dial. The jumper cables are not in the trunk but are permanently soldered to the battery. The hood has been equipped with a push-button device for quick and easy opening. The "Purchased From" sticker at the bottom of the rear license plate has been removed. You get a "Good Luck" card from the previous owner. As you drive up to a service station for gas, the mechanic opens the big door and waves you in. When you leave for work the next morning, you notice a tow truck parked about a block from your driveway. As you go by, it silently falls in behind you. The little "Service Engine" warning signal in the dashboard comes on and reads "Me Again."
This scenario happens often with www popularity. My firend's wife insisted on some professional help in the garden, my friend, being the net-savvy dude that he is, searched Google for a qualified gardener and scheduled a meeting with the man at his Danville home. That person was given directions to the house via email and the meeting was set for 11 AM on Tuesday. At 8 AM my friend received a call from the gardener stating that he could not find the house, let alone the street name on the map he possessed. “Ok, you know where the Burger King is?” My friend asked on the cell phone, “We’re in the homes right behind there…” “Yea, I know the Burger King, but there is no Hartz Avenue at the intersection to turn left onto.” “Ok, which way are you heading, east or west on Danville Blvd?” “Why, west I suppose…” “And you see the Burger King there on the right?” “Yes.” “Ok, then just make a left there, that’s Hartz Avenue.” A little perturbed, the gardener replied, “There is no street off to the left, it’s a dead end.” “Are you sure you’re in Danville?” “Heck yea, I’ve lived round these parts all my life.” “You’re not in San Ramon or something, are you?” “There ain’t no San Ramon round here. I came in from Shelby City.” “Where's Shelby City?” “Why, it’s in Kentucky… Where the heck are you?” There was a long pause and my friend answered, “California.” And hung up.
Ozark Love Poem Thanks to Tom Livingston for this one. Collards is green, and my dog's name is Blue I'm so lucky to have such a 'sweet thang ' like you. Yo're hair is like corn silk ..flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas. You move like the bass, what excites me in May. You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway. Yo're as satisfy'n as 'okry' jist a-fry'n in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can. You got most'a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're out in a crowd. On special occasions, you shave under yore arms, Well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yo're charms. Still, them fellers at work, they all want to know, What I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yo're man, To patch up life's troubles and fix what you can. Yo're as cute as a june-bug a'buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed. Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, You spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt. When you hold me real tight like a padded-gunrack, My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack. Yo're complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'. Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'. Me'n you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank, We just fit together like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day; They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way. Some men git roses on that special day From the cooler at Kroger. That's impressive," I'd say. Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth. " Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth. But for this man, honey, these won't do. ' Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you. I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, More useful than diamonds...... IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!
THE GROANERS: The doctor...Dr Bill Hamm suggested this one. A newly hired nurse listened while the doctor was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" She asked another nurse, "Why is he going on like that?" The experienced nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."
Another Bill Hamm Tech Support: "What does the screen say now." Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support: "Well?" Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"
HMMM From Just For Grins. Darryl was trying to sell his old car. He was having a lot of problems because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, he told his problem to his buddy Tom who told her, "There is a way to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied Darryl, "I just need to sell the car." "Okay," said Tom, "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the odometer on your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, Darryl made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, Tom asked the him, "So... did you sell your car?" "No," replied Darryl, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
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