KCNET NEWSLETTER FUN PAGE 10/24/04
TRIVIA: Halloween comes from the pagan festival of Samhain. It was believed that on this night the spirits of all those who had died the preceding year would come back to haunt the living. To scare away or appease these spirits, the people began dressing up in fiendish costumes and leaving offerings of food at their door. During the 8th century, the Christian church replaced the pagan holiday by naming Nov. 1 "All Saints' Day" and the night before as "All Hallows Eve". Eventually, this name became Halloween.
The carving of Jack-O-Lanterns comes from an 18th century Irish folk tale about a miserly drunkard named Jack who is said to have trapped the Devil in the branches of an apple tree. After Jack's death, he was not allowed into Heaven, but the Devil wouldn't accept him either. So Jack was left to wander the night endlessly, lighting his path with a lit piece of coal inside a hollowed out turnip (later turned into a pumpkin).
Superstitions about vampires have existed from the earliest times and appeared in all cultures. The "Vampir" (vampire) comes from Romanian legends about spirits or demons that left their graves at night to seek and enslave human victims. The vampire could be warded off with a variety of charms, amulets, and herbs and could only be killed by driving a stake through its heart or by cremation. It is from this legend that Bram Stoker wrote his classic "Dracula."
In 16th Century France it was believed that several noble families had become Lycanthropes, or Werewolves. After several wolf attacks had occurred on their land, a servant went to the local Bishop and confessed that he'd seen his employers turn into wild dogs. After being captured and tried, the accused "werewolves" were executed with silver rosary beads fired from a musket. This is where the modern myth of the werewolf comes from.
Unlike other monsters, Frankenstein was not based on any actual person or event. In 1814 Mary Shelley, the author of "Frankenstein," was traveling through Darmstadt, Germany. While there, she noticed the ruins of an ancient castle owned by a knight named Arbogast Von Frankenstein. She was apparently so taken with the castle that she used its name for the title of her novel about a student who creates an artificial man while exploring the secrets of life in his laboratory.
Other Facts: * Dracula is the most filmed story of all time. * The biggest pumpkin to date weighed 1,092 lbs. at the 1998 Pumkinfest. * Vincent Price almost became a gourmet cook instead of an actor. * Halloween candy sales average around 2 billion in the U.S. * Months that start on a Sunday always have a Friday the 13th. * A dentist invented the Electric Chair. * In, France over 30,000 werewolf cases were tried between 1520 and 1630. * Of all canned fruits and vegetables, pumpkin is the best source of vitamin A. Just a half-cup of the orange stuff has more than three times the recommended daily requirement. * The very first jack o' lantern was made out of a turnip. * Halloween isn't just for kids. While 82 percent of children take part in Halloween festivities, a surprising 67 percent of adults also join in the fun. * Candy corn, anyone? With an estimated $ 1.93 billion in candy sales, Halloween is the sweetest holiday of the year, beating out Easter, Valentine's Day, and Christmas. In fact, one quarter of all the candy sold each year is purchased between September 15 and November 10. * U.S. consumers spend as much as $ 1.5 billion on costumes each year, and more than $ 2.5 billion on other Halloween paraphernalia, such as decorations and crafts — more than $ 100 million of which is spent online. * The first Halloween card was made in the early 1900s. These days, U.S. consumers spend about $ 50 million on Halloween greetings.
QUOTES: I'll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. -- Anonymous
If a man harbors any sort of fear, it makes him landlord to a ghost. --Lloyd Douglas
True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about but few have seen. --Anonymous
ON HALLOWEEN The witches fly Across the sky, The owls go, "Who? Who? Who?" The black cats yowl And green ghosts howl, "Scary Halloween to you!" ~Nina Willis Walter~
From ghoulies and ghosties and long leggety beasties and things that go bump in the night, Good Lord, deliver us! ~Scottish saying~
Eye of newt, and toe of frog, Wool of bat, and tongue of dog, Adder's fork, and blind-worm's sting, Lizard's leg, and owlet's wing, For a charm of powerful trouble, Like a hell-broth boil and bubble. --William Shakespeare Witches in Macbeth
There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world. --Jean Baudrillard
Pixie, kobold, elf, and sprite, All are on their rounds tonight; In the wan moon's silver ray, Thrives their helter-skelter play. ~Joel Benton~
A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween. --Erma Bombeck
CHUCKLES AND BELLY LAUGHS Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist? To improve his bite...
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite...
Why do witches use brooms to fly on? Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...
How do witches keep their hair in place while flying? With scare spray...
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire? A fur coat that fangs around your neck...
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately...
Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town? Because they don't have any body to go out with...
What do ghosts add to their morning cereal? Booberries...
What is a vampire's favorite sport? Casketball...
What is a vampire's favorite holiday? Fangsgiving...
What would a monster's psychiatrist be called? Shrinkenstein...
What did one ghost say to the other ghost? "Do you believe in people?"
What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? A cereal killer...
Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends? They're so wrapped up in themselves...
What kind of streets do zombies like the best? Dead ends...
What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving? Fasten your sheet belts...
What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation? A blood vessel...
What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation? A scareplane...
What type of dog do vampire's like the best? Bloodhounds...
What is a ghoul's favorite flavor? Lemon-slime...
What does a vampire never order at a restaurant? A stake sandwich...
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument? A trombone...
What do birds give out on Halloween night? Tweets...
Why do vampires need mouthwash? They have bat breath...
What's a vampire's favorite fast food? A guy with very high blood pressure...
Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal? He heard it had great circulation...
Blood Bar... ... Three vampires walk into a bar. The waitress comes up to them and asks them what they'll have. The first vampire says, (Transylvanian accent inferred) "I'll have a glass of O Positive." The second vampire says, "I'll have a glass of AB Negative." The third vampire says, "I'm the designated driver. I'll just have a glass of plasma." The waitress turns toward the bartender and yells, "Gimme two bloods and one blood lite!"
The Devil... ... A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork. "Who are you?" he asked. "I'm the Devil," she responded. "Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."
Soiled Sheets An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on?" The drunk, still staring down, replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."
Stranger At The Window Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at he window. There's an old ghost's face there!" The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?" The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror. A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared. "There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!" They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping. "Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?" The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
THE GROANERS: Beethoven... ... A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"
One Liners What do you call a nervous witch? A twitch
What do you call a vampire ghost who has children? A transparent
Why did dracula have to take medicine? To cure his coffin
How does a monster cure a sore throat? Gargoyling
What do ghosts love to have for desert? Iced screams
Which day do monsters eat people? Chewsday
what is a ghosts favourite fruit? Boonanas
What is a skeleton's favourite vegetable? Marrow
What is a monster's favourite bean? A human bean
What is a monster's favourite desert topping? Whipped scream.
What is a vampire's favourite fruit ? Necktarines
How do you stop a Frankenstein biting his nails? Give him screws
What do you call a dentist who treats werewolves? Brave
What do you call a skeleton doctor ? Bones !
Why do skeletons wear dark glasses? camouflage
Why is there only one Eiffel tower? It eats its young
Who did the zombie invite to her party? Anyone she could dig up
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He had no guts.
Why did the ugly ghost cross the road? To visit the bootician
What do you call a skeleton snake ? A rattler !
Why was the mummy tense and stressed? He was all wound up
Why are skeletons calm ? Because nothing gets under their skin !
Why are skeletons scared? They are easily rattled
Who did the witch call when her pot broke? She called Ron (cauldron)
What is the best way to see a zombie? From so far away that you have to use binoculars!
How do you hurt a vampire's feelings? Tell him he has bat breath
What do you get if you take a monster to the office? Sole use of the elevator
Why was the broom late to pick up the witch? It over swept
Tiny Dracula Two nuns are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and scratches at the windshield! "Quick, quick!!" shouts the first nun "What shall I do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination." shouts the second. The first nun switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and hisses even more loudly! "What shall I do now?" shouts the first nun. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican!" says the second. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns. "Now what?" screams the first nun. "Show him your cross!" says the second. So the nun rolls down the window and shouts: "GET OFF MY DARN HOOD, YOU LITTLE CREEP!"
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