TRIVIA: LAND, E. H. Edwin Herbert Land (1909-1991) was an American physicist and inventor who developed the first modern light polarizers (which eliminate glare) and other optical devices, investigated the mechanisms of color perception, and developed the instant photography process (the Polaroid camera). Land established the Polaroid Corp. in 1937.
GABE, FRANCES Frances Gabe (actually, Frances G. Bateson) (1915-) invented and patented the self-cleaning house. Gabe, who lives in Newberg, Oregon, USA, disliked housework intensely. She designed and lives in a house in which each room has a 10-inch square, "Cleaning/ Drying/ Heating/ Cooling" device on the ceiling. To clean a room, all you have to do is push a button in a room, and the cleaning unit sends a powerful spray of soapy water around the room. It then rinses and blow-dries the room. Each room has a slightly-sloping floor, so the water would drain well. Frances stored valuable objects (and things that should not get wet) under glass. The house also has self-cleaning sinks, bathtubs and toilets. Her cupbord doubles as a dishwasher and her clothes are cleaned, dried and stored while hanging in the closet. Gabe holds 68 patents. Frances said, "Housework is a thankless, unending job, a nerve-tangling bore. Who wants it? Nobody! With my jaw set hard I was determined there had to be a better way!"
DIONYSIUS THE ELDER The catapult was invented in ancient Greece (in 399 BC) by Dionysius the Elder of Syracuse. The catapult is a device that hurls heavy objects or arrows over a large distance. The Romans later added wheels to the catapult to make it more maneuverable. Also called the ballista, this device was a major weapon of warfare for well over a thousand years. A double-armed catapult (also called the trebuchet) was invented by Mariano Taccola of Siena during the Middle Ages, about 1400 AD.
UMBRELLA The umbrella was invented thousands of years ago. The earliest umbrellas were made to shade the user from the sun (an umbrella used as a sun shade is called a parasol). Umbrella were used as much a 4,000 years ago in ancient Assyria, China, Egypt, and Greece. The Chinese were probably the first to waterproof the umbrella for use in the rain; they used wax and lacquer (a type of paint) to repel the rain. Samuel Fox (1815 - 1887), an English inventor and manufacturer, invented the steel ribbed umbrella in 1852 (wood or whale bone had been used previously).
NESSIE The first written account of the Loch Ness Monster, or Nessie, was made by the Viking Adamnan in 565AD. He described how St. Columba heard about the monster killing a man, and then rowed to the centre of the loch to order the beast to stop such attacks in the future. Ever since that time, legend has it, Nessie has never repeated its misdemeanour. But it's still there - according to a number of people who saw her. In 1933 alone, there were 5 sightings of Nessie. In June 1963, Nessie was even filmed, but at such a distance that not much of it can be seen on the film. In September 1995 Lorna Taylor saw Nessie's head, neck and body rising from the loch, but was seconds too late with her camera to get a good picture. The last sightings of Nessie were on 14th of September 1999 and in February 2002.
Weird facts that you would rather not know.... Did you know?...It is impossible to lick your elbow. Did you know?...Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. Did you know?...Coca-Cola was originally green. Did you know?...23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts. Did you know?...In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere. Did you know?...If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contactwith extraterrestrials or their vehicles? Did you know?...Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times. Did you know?...More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call. Did you know?...The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
QUOTES: "My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more." --Walter Matthau.
"Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something." --Plato
"The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter." -- Winston Churchill
"The best thing about this group of candidates that only one of them can win." -- Will Rogers
"Trying to make things work in government is sometimes like trying to sew a button on a custard pie." -- Hyman G. Rickover
"Vote for the man who promises least; he'll be the least disappointing." -- Bernard Baruch
"We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex. But Congress can." -- Cullen Hightower
"We must remember that for every instance of the government's demonstrating the intelligence of a yam, there is also an instance of the government's rising to the level of a far more complex vegetable, such as the turnip." -- Dave Barry
"We need a President who's fluent in at least one language." -- Buck Henry
"We'd all like to vote for the best man, but he's never a candidate." -- Kin Hubbard
Good Grief... CHUCKLES AND BELLY LAUGHS There are two Waynes that have very similar humor senses. One goes by C. Wayne .... and the other by Wayne C. ..... We chuckled about this in the Users Class this past Wednesday and wouldn't you know that both sent the same joke to me on Saturday. I'll post it once instead of twice and give them both credit. Getting Even After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's multi-million dollar home, and since the man's lawyers were a little better, he prevailed. He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music,and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and depositeda few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss forthe first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit... Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided tomove. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, theycould not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He toldher the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said thatshe missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce herdivorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back... Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth... Butonly if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and withinthe hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.....including the curtain rods.
Pretty bad. From Just For Grins A man returns from vacation and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the Hospital to undergo a barrage of tests. After the tests, he wakes up in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings. "This is your doctor. We got the results back from your tests and we discovered that you have a very nasty virus that is extremely contagious!" "Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?" "Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes, and pita bread." "Will that cure me?" asked the man. The doctor replied, "Well no, but...it's the only food we can get under the door."
Tom Livingston sent this definition for BRAVERY. True bravery is arriving home late after a boy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?
Poor Fido From Good Clean Fun A distraught dog owner called a vet pleading for an immediate appointment. He explained that his dog had a large growth or swelling near the corner of its mouth that had appeared to grow overnight, so I told him to bring the animal over. When the man came in with his dog, the vet examined the animal as the man stood by, anxiously waiting the vet's opinion. At last the doctor turned to him and asked, "Do you have any children?" "Oh my gosh, is it contagious?" the man gasped. "No," the doctor answered. "It's bubble gum."
Splish Splash She Was Taking A Bath! - - -Dr Bill Hamm to Bud Casselberry to the Newsletter. Feeling edgy, a woman took a hot bath. Just as she'd become comfortable, the doorbell rang. The woman got out of the tub, put on her slippers and a large towel, wrapped her head in a smaller towel, and went to the door. A salesman wanted to know if she needed any brushes. Slamming the door in his face, the woman returned to the bath. The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and towels, and the woman started for the door again. She took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell, and hit her back against the hard porcelain of the tub. The woman struggled into her street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor. After examining her, the doctor said, "Nothing's broken. But you need to relax. Why don't you just go home and take a nice hot bath?"
A little hard of hearing! Bud for this one too. A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, "Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
THE GROANERS: This is a good one, I should have guessed. From Just For Grins Gary and Keith were chatting by the office coffee maker. "I had the most bizarre dream the night before last," Gary declared, "All night there was just this huge glowing number 5. It was made of gold and sparkled with diamonds." Keith raised an eyebrow and responded, "Interesting. So what'd ya do?" "The first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the daily racing digest and look up the fifth race and the #5 horse in the fifth race was named 'The Fifth Element.'" Keith started grinning. "I was sure that this was a sign," explained Gary, "so... - I ate five bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank five cups of coffee - I went for a five mile jog to clear my head - I took a five minute shower - I dressed in the fifth suit I found in my closet - I sat in my car for five minutes before starting it up - I drove to the racetrack and parked in the fifth stall in the fifth row - I entered through the fifth admissions gate - I bought five programs - I went to the fifth betting window and bet $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race - I went and sat in the fifth row of the bleachers making sure there were five people sitting on either side of me. I settled in and waited for the race to start." "Well," wondered Keith, "Did the horse win?" Gary smiled, "Of course not, he came in fifth."
Water in the carburetor...Dr. Bill Hamm (always good for a groaner) WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous." WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?" WIFE: "In the pool."
BEST GROANERS YET Dave Glossner sent these. Some are very GROANIE. 1. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
2. A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
3. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
4. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
5. Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"
6. A thief broke into the local police station stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, we have absolutely nothing to go on."
7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said,"The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying,"I must have taken Leif off my census."
9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of other two hides.
10. By the way, I know the guy who wrote these 9 puns. He entered them and one other in a contest. He figured with 10 entries he couldn't lose. As they were reading the list of winners he was really hoping one of his puns would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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