KCNET NEWSLETTER FUN PAGE 05/23/04
TRIVIA QUOTES CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS
TRIVIA: BAND-AID® Bandages for wounds had been around since ancient times, but an easy-to-use dressing with an adhesive was invented by Earle Dickson (a cotton buyer at the Johnson & Johnson company). Dickson perfected the BAND-AID® in 1920, making a small, sterile adhesive bandage for home use. Dickson invented the BAND-AID® for his wife, who had many kitchen accidents and needed an easy-to-use wound dressing. Dickson was rewarded by the Johnson & Johnson company by being made a vice-president of the company.
CONTACT LENSES Contact lenses are tiny removable lenses that are worn in contact with the eye (they rest directly on the cornea of the eye). Like glasses, they improve the wearer's vision. This type of lens was envisioned (but not actually made) by Leonardo da Vinci (around 1508) and later by René Descartes (around 1636-1637). Contact lenses were invented and made in 1887 by the German physiologist Adolf Eugen Fick (1829-1901). He first fitted animals with the lenses, and later made them for people. These lenses were made from heavy brown glass and were 18-21mm in diameter. The lenses were improved by August Muller in 1889; he made lenses that corrected myopia (nearsightedness). Plastic contact lenses were first made by the California optician Kevin Tuohy in 1948. Soft contact lenses (hydrophilic lenses) and gas-permeable lenses (which let oxygen pass through the lens and to the cornea) were invented in the 1970s.
AIRPLANE The first working airplane was invented, designed, made, and flown by the Wright brothers, Wilbur Wright (1867-1912) and Orville Wright (1871-1948). Their "Wright Flyer" was a fabric-covered biplane with a wooden frame. The power to the two propellers was supplied by a 12-horsepower water-cooled engine. On December 17, 1903, the "Flyer" flew for 12 seconds and for a distance of 120 feet (37 m). The flight took place at Kitty Hawk, North Carolina, USA.
OTIS, ELISHA GRAVES Elisha Graves Otis (1811-1861) was an American mechanic and inventor. Otis invented the elevator brake, which greatly improved the safety of elevators. He used a ratchet on a spring to catch the elevator in the event of an accident (like a broken cable). In 1854, at the Crystal Palace Exposition in New York, Otis demonstrated how safe his elevator was by cutting the elevator's cable with an ax, and the elevator car stayed where it was in the shaft. Otis' invention spurred the development of skyscrapers, changing the look of cities around the world forever. Otis also invented a railway safety brake and improvements to turbine engines and brass bed frames.
PARACHUTE A parachute is a device for slowing down one's descent while falling to the ground. Parachutes are used to skydive from airplanes, to jump from very high places, and to help slow down the descent of spacecraft. Parachutes are also used to slow down some race cars. The early parachutes were made from canvas (a strong cotton cloth). Light-weight (but very strong) silk cloth was then introduced for parachutes. Modern-day parachutes use nylon fabric. The idea of using a parachute to fall gently to the ground was written about by Leonardo da Vinci (1452-1519). The first parachute was demonstrated by Louis-Sébastien Lenormand in 1783 of France - he jumped from a very tall tree carrying two parasols (umbrellas). A few years later, some adventurous people jumped from hot-air balloons using primitive parachutes. The first person to jump from a flying airplane (and survive the fall) was Captain Albert Berry, who jumped from a U.S. Army plane in 1912. Parachutes were first used in war towards the end of World War 1.
QUOTES: "Impulse without reason is not enough, and reason without impulse is a poor makeshift." --William James
"One should only see a psychiatrist out of boredom." --Muriel Spark
"[Notre Dame football coach Knute] Rockne wanted nothing but 'Bad Losers.' Good losers get into the habit of losing." --George E. Allen
"[Business is] like swimming: you have to know when to sprint and when not to sprint. You learn how to conserve so you can concentrate on what's in front of you." --Charles Urstadt, real estate executive and champion swimmer
"Language is a city to the building of which every human being brought a stone." --Mark Twain
"There are plenty of ruined buildings in the world but no ruined stones." --Hugh Macdiarmid
"One only needs two tools in life: WD-40 to make things go, and duck tape to make them stop." --G. M. Weilacher
"It's weak and despicable to go on wanting things and not trying to get them." --Joanna Field
"Use what talents you have; the woods would have little music if no birds sang their song except those who sang best." --Reverend Oliver G. Wilson
"One of the sources of pride in being a human being is the ability to bear present frustrations in the interests of longer purposes." --Helen Merrell Lynd
"Who knows what he is told, must know a lot of things that are not so." --Arthur Guiterman
"It's what you learn after you know it all that counts." --Jean Rostand
"The first step to knowledge is to know that we are ignorant." --Lord David Cecil
Wait for this one to load. CHUCKLES AND BELLY LAUGHS What women want. This is great advise and without a doubt, very true. Thanks to Irishrose, Rosemary Bednarczyk Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments? Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Now....what is the moral to this story? The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way....things are gonna' get ugly!
Sister Pat sent this one. To be politically balanced I'll have to find a story favoring the other side. Hmmm, that might be difficult. John Kerry is out jogging one morning and notices Little Hannah on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to Little Hannah and says, "What's in the box, little lady?" Little Hannah says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens." John Kerry laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?" "Democrats," says Little Hannah. "Oh that's cute," he says and goes on his way. A couple of days later, John Kerry is running with his buddy Teddy Kennedy and he spies Little Hannah with her box just ahead. Sen. Kerry says to Teddy, "You gotta check this out," and they both jog over to Little Hannah. Sen. Kerry says, "Look in the box Teddy, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey, kid, tell my friend Teddy what kind of kittens they are." Little Hannah replies, "They're republicans." "Whoa!" John Kerry exclaims in total surprise. "I came by here the other day and you told me they were Democrats. What's changed?" "Well," Little Hannah explains, pointing into the box. "their eyes are open now."
My first employment HR Policy. C. Wayne Wert found this one. Dear Staff It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers & carrying a Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 52 personal days a year. They are called Sunday. LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" SURGERY: As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week!
Substitute Teacher From Good Clean Fun Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker. I heard him mutter, "How did you get yourself into this?" Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support. "Are you okay?" I asked. "Can I help?" He lifted his head and replied, "I'll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker."
An interesting concept here. Another C. Wayne Wert An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 ft. grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the antheist cried out: "Oh my God!". Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light, " It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke. "Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty, ... Amen."
One Call Bud for this one The two teenagers were arrested. The police sergeant told them they were entitled to a phone call. Some time later a man entered the station and asked for them by name. The sergeant said, "I suppose you're the lawyer?" "Nope," the chap replied. "I'm just here to deliver their pizza."
Supposedly Actual Ads from New York Times. C. Wayne again FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. BITES.
FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG.
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE... BETTER BE A REWARD.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY.
HUMMERS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
GEORGIA PEACHES, CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON. FREE COFFEE & DONUTS.
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica - no longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.
THE GROANERS: From Just For Grins. Joe and Frank were in the office, and noticed that someone had put up a suggestion box with some 3x5 cards next to it. Both decided that this was a great idea, and each took a card to fill out. Joe wrote, "The office workers should all be given raises!" When he looked at Frank's card, it said "Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom, and personal secretaries, and new company cars, and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks, and an extra three weeks vacation each year, and a holiday on St. Patrick's Day, and Columbus Day and Martin Luther Kings Birthday?" Joe said, "Frank, that isn't the right way of getting things changed around here...You shouldn't put all of your begs in one ask-it."
This one is a little on the sick side but cute. Tom, Glenn, and Scott were working on a high rise building project. Glenn fell off and was instantly killed As the ambulance took the body away, Scott said, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Tom says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, Tom came back carrying a 6-pack. Scott asked, "Where did you get that, Tom?" "Glenn's wife gave it to me." "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?" Tom said, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Glenn's widow.'" She said, "'No, I'm not a widow." And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"
A Troubled Man You probably guessed the sender of this one, Dr Bill Hamm to Bud. A middle-aged man walks into a psychologist's office wearing a dancer's tutu, flippers, and a scuba mask. The psychologist, humoring him, asks, "What seems to be the problem?" The man answers, "Well, Doc, I'm worried about my brother..."
Janet Shields sent this one. Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally getting really mean. The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from Czechoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and ate him alive. The other guy turned around and ran for his life. A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to destroy it. Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said: "Quick... tell me which bear ate your friend!" The ranger leveled his gun and got ready to shoot. "I'm not really sure," said the other guy, "they both look similar." "QUICK! Make up your mind!" said the ranger. "O.K.," said the other, "it was the male." The ranger promptly aimed and shot the female bear. The male ran off. Using his knife, the ranger cut open the belly of the female and found the body of the other man. "But why didn't you shoot the male when I thought it was the male who ate my friend?" the other man asked. "Well," said the ranger... "I never trust anyone who says that the Czech's in the male!"
Suited For Success? Another from Dr Bill Hamm. The company psychiatrist was interviewing the young blonde. As she sat in the chair, the psychiatrist asked a series of questions to determine if she was emotionally suited for the company. Things were not not going well for the young blonde, when the psychiatrist decided to try a new approach, to give the blonde one last chance. He asked, "if you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?" The blonde quickly responded, "The living one!"
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