KCNET NEWSLETTER FUN PAGE 05/16/04
TRIVIA QUOTES CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS
TRIVIA: APGAR SCALE The Apgar scale is a standardized scale that is used to determine the physical status of an infant at birth. This simple, easy-to-perform test was devised in 1953 by Dr. Virginia Apgar (1909-1974), a professor of anesthesia at the New York Columbia-Presbyterian Medical Center. The Apgar scale is administered to a newborn at one minute after birth and five minutes after birth. It scores the baby's heart rate, respiration, muscle tone, reflex response, and color. This test quickly alerts medical personnel that the newborn needs assistance.
KEVLAR Kevlar (poly[p-phenyleneterephtalamide]) is a polymer fiber that is five times stronger than the same weight of steel. Kevlar is used in bullet-proof vests, helmets, trampolines, tennis rackets, and many other commonly-used objects. Kevlar was invented by Stephanie Louise Kwolek and was first marketed by DuPont in 1971.
PANTYHOSE Pantyhose was invented in 1959 by Allen Gant of North Carolina, USA, in 1959. This new undergarment became popular as miniskirts were the fashion and soon came to replace nylon stockings held up with a garter belt (short skirts were not long enough to hide the bottom of the garter belt). Gant was associated with the Glen Raven Mills textile mill (he was a descendant of the founder of the mill, John Gant), the company that first manufactured pantyhose.
PLAY-DOH Play-Doh, a popular children's modeling clay, was invented by Noah W. McVicker and Joseph S. McVicker. They patented Play-Doh in 1956 (patent # 3,167,440). The original Play-Doh was sold in only one color, off- white. Eventually, many colors were marketed. Over 700 million pounds of Play-Doh have been sold, but the formula is still a secret.
WORLD WIDE WEB Tim Berners-Lee (1955, London, England - ) invented the World Wide Web. His first version of the Web was a program named "Enquire," short for "Enquire Within Upon Everything". At the time, Berners-Lee was working at CERN, the European Particle Physics Laboratory located in Geneva, Switzerland. He invented the system as a way of sharing scientific data (and other information) around the world, using the Internet, a world-wide network of computers, and hypertext documents. He wrote the language HTML (HyperText Mark-up Language), the basic language for the Web, and devised URL's (universal resource locators) to designate the location of each web page. HTTP (HyperText Transfer Protocol) was his set of rules for linking to pages on the Web. After he wrote the first browser in 1990, the World Wide Web was up and going. Its growth was (and still is) phenomenal, and has changed the world, making information more accessible than ever before in history. Berners-Lee is now a Principal Research Scientist at the Laboratory for Computer Science at the MIT (Massachusetts Institute of Technology, in Cambridge, Massachusett, USA) and the Director of the W3 Consortium.
QUOTES: Quotes from Moms: This one is a left over from Mom's Day.
"Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife." --Francis William Bourdillon
"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough." --Mario Andretti
"The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies, is lunch." --Michael Friedman
"Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving." -- Erma Louise Bombeck
"Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness." --James Thurber
"It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like 'What about lunch?'" --Winnie the Pooh
"It's been my policy to view the Internet not as an 'information highway,' but as an electronic asylum filled with babbling loonies." --Mike Royko
CHUCKLES AND BELLY LAUGHS Irishrose, Rosemary Bednarczyk sent this one. An honest man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just in front of him. He does the honest thing, and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects! . He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
Car Rental From Good Clean Fun On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company, I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of the car he was driving. I asked again for a more detailed description beyond "a blue four-door." After a pause, the driver replied, "It's the one on fire."
Blue Necks Subject: Blue Necks Blue Necks are Northerners --- the opposite of Rednecks. Because of Redneck jokes, here are some takes on how Southern folkslook at Northerners (or how Northerners sometimes think of themselves;) Wayne Smith forwarded this one. YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK IF ...Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them"yous guys," even if both of them are women. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY. You would never stop to buy something somebody was cooking on the side of the road. (e.g., boiled peanuts) . You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire" sauce correctly. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes-au-gratin to grits. You don't know what a moon pie is. You've never had an RC Cola. You've never, ever eaten okra -- fried, boiled, or pickled. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork. You have no idea what a polecat is. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on your dog. You don't have bangs. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than at Six Flags. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show. You've never eaten and don't know how to make a tomato sandwich. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-'n-knifeshow. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach. You don't even have one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house. The last time you smiled was when you blocked someone from getting on an on-ramp to the highway. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores. You call binoculars opera glasses. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping. You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice) You don't know any women with male names (i.e., Tommie, Bobbie, Johnnie, Jimmie) You've never been to a craft show. None of your fur coats are homemade. You have no idea who the Allisons or Pettys are.
Banquet Blessing From Dr Bill Hamm to Bud Casselberry The banquet was about to begin when the master of ceremonies was informed that the clergyman, invited to give the blessing, was unable to attend. He asked the main speaker if he would oblige, and the man agreed... He began, "There being no clergyman present, let us thank God."
There is more here than just a joke. From Just For Grins. One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. They picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost." God listened patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well! How about this? Let's have a man making contest." To which the man replied, "OK, great!" But God added, "Now we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"
Pregnant: From Dodie to Bud Casselberry Catherine, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..." "I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it," Catherine confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
KCnet Tech, Ken Dale sent this one. This is the transcription of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry, October 1998. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98. IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision. IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. IRISH: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course. BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. IRISH: We are a lighthouse................Your Call.
Wisdom A Bit of Philosophy for you to start the day. Bud Casselberry forwarded this one. You really have to be inspired by the intellect of the great philosophers..... And personally, I have always loved the "teachings....." Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumour. In ancient Greece(469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." "Triple filter?" "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..." "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" "No, on the contrary .." "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued. " You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" "No,not really ..." "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good or even Useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. But on the other hand............... It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having an affair with his wife
THE GROANERS: From Just For Grins. Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super. At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience. Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!". The other replied, "No, it's not!". The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side. To which the other man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by it's clover."
Thank Bert Rice tfor this one. My son was telling his wife the origin of May Day. After he told her the story she wanted to know what the may pole was made of. His reply: Maple
Dastardly Crime From the Singing Man's Page Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden camera and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: