KCNET NEWSLETTER FUN PAGE 05/09/04
TRIVIA QUOTES CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS
TRIVIA: DA VINCI, LEONARDO Leonardo da Vinci (1452-1519) was an Italian inventor, artist, and scientist. Da Vinci had an interest in engineering and made detailed sketches of the airplane, the helicopter (and other flying machines), the parachute, the submarine, the armored car, the ballista (a giant crossbow), rapid-fire guns, the centrifugal pump (designed to drain wet areas, like marshes), ball bearings, the worm gear (a set of gears in which many teeth make contact at once, reducing the strain on the teeth, allowing more pressure to be put on the mechanism).
FERRIS WHEEL The Ferris Wheel is a large amusement-park ride that is made of a giant, vertical, metal wheel that slowly turns around. The wheel is equipped with hanging compartments for people, who ride around in a circle, going far above the ground. The Ferris Wheel was invented by the Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania bridge-builder George Washington Gale Ferris Jr. (1859-1896) . The first Ferris wheel was opened on June 21, 1893 at the Chicago World's Fair. This Ferris wheel was 250 feet tall (the diameter of the wheel) - this is about the height of a 25 story building! It had 36 wooden cars that could each seat 40 people, and hold another 20 standing people plus a conductor. Each car was 27 feet long, 13 feet wide, and 9 feet tall. A total of 2000 people could ride the wheel at one time. The wheel was powered by two 1,000 horsepower engines and weighed over 4,000 tons. It cost 50 cents per ride. This same Ferris wheel was later used at the St. Louis exposition in 1904, but was scrapped in 1906. Ferris wheels are now common at amusement parks around the world - most are much smaller than the original.
VACUUM CLEANER John S. Thurman invented the gasoline powered vacuum cleaner (which he called the "pneumatic carpet renovator") in 1899. His vacuum was patented on Oct. 3, 1899 (patent #634,042). It may have been the first motorized vacuum cleaner. Thurman had a run a horse drawn, door-to-door carpet vacuuming service in St. Louis, Missouri, USA, charging $4 per visit (which was a large amount of money at the time).
JANSKY, KARL Karl Gothe Jansky (1905-1949) was an American radio engineer who pioneered and developed radio astronomy. In 1932, he detected the first radio waves from a cosmic source - in the central region of the Milky Way Galaxy.
QUOTES: "In the spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt." --Margaret Atwood
"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect." --Margaret Mitchell
"There are two things to aim at in life: first, to get what you want; and after that, to enjoy it. Only the wisest of mankind achieve the second" --Logan Pearsall Smith
"Faith is the only known cure for fear." --Lena K. Sadler
"The proverb warns that, 'You should not bite the hand that feeds you.' But maybe you should, if it prevents you from feeding yourself." --Thomas Szasz
"The greatest thing in the world is to know how to be self-sufficient." --Michel de Montaigne
"If you can laugh at it, you can live with it." --Erma Bombeck
"Bad experience is a school that only fools keep going to." --Ezra Taft Benson
"It is indeed ironic that we spend our school days yearning to graduate and our remaining days waxing nostalgic about our school days." --Isabel Waxman
"Each day, and the living of it, has to be a conscious creation in which discipline and order are relieved with some play and pure foolishness." --May Sarton
"What is now proved was once imagined." --William Blake
"No matter how big or soft or warm your bed is, you still have to get out of it." --Grace Slick
"Concentration is everything. On the day I'm performing, I don't hear anything anyone says to me." --Luicano Pavarotti
"Do whatever you do intensely." --Robert Henri
"Other people's interruptions of your work are relatively insignificant compared with the countless times you interrupt yourself." --Brendan Francis
CHUCKLES AND BELLY LAUGHS From Joke Of The Day A child was watching his mother sift through and delete a long list of junk E-mail on the computer screen. "This reminds me of the Lord's Prayer," the child said. "What do you mean?" "You know. That part about 'deliver us from E-mail.' "
From Just For Grins My grandaughter, Meghan started kindergarten this year. On the 9th day of school she came home and told her mom she was quiting and gave 4 reasons why: 1. You can't talk when you want to. 2. It is boring. 3. She had learned everything her mom said she was going to learn. 4. You can't have your blanket when you take a nap and how can you take a nap without your blanket.
ATTENTION WAL-MART SHOPPERS!!! Milton Weaver sent this one to Sue. We had a couple of good chuckles reaading it. I especially liked number 15. 15 things to do at Wal-Mart when your spouse is taking his/her sweet time: 1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking. 2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals. 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in Housewares and see what happens. 6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" 9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose. 10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. 11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible." 12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels. 13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME! PICK ME!" 14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!" And last but not least: 15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly "There's no toilet paper in here!"
Part Two -- Walmart greeter Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers Wal-Mart in a cost cutting effort to bring you lower prices has redesigned the uniform for their greeters. The new uniforms will save over $45 million dollars annually and will allow the greeters even greater range of motion, an added bonus for greeters over the age of 55. Albert Young of the Oxford, Mississippi store shows the new uniform in the picture provided.
Opposites Attract Bill Hamm sent this one to Bud Casselberry "You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common," said the new tenant's landlord. "Why on earth did you get married?" "I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract'," was the reply. "Oh, really," said the landlord, "and in what way were you two opposites?" "Well, for starters," said Sally, "He wasn't pregnant and I was."
Vet's Office Bud sent this one from Good Clean Fun Sign in a veterinarian's office: "All unattended children will be given a free kitten."
Buy a Dog Tom Livingston sent this one. If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section Buy a dog. If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you Buy a dog. If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it Buy a dog If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want Buy a dog. If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't give a shit about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies Buy a dog. If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores Buy a dog. If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually Buy a dog. But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness........... Then my friend . . . . . Buy a cat! Ha! You thought I was going to say get a Husband, Huh?
Lawyers, Farmers and Mules...This one from Bud too. A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'"asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..." "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'? Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie". Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said "How are you feeling?" Now what the heck would you say?"
Another one from Bud. He had a good joke page this week. A Mom is driving a little girl to her friend's house to play. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite." "OK," the little girl says. "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card. It has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are. You are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprised and in shock now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?" "Because you got an F in sex."
THE GROANERS: From Just For Grins It is pretty bad. There was a little mouse in his little hole in the wall. The one day that he really wanted to take a walk, a huge cat was right at his step. The little mouse was so upset that he couldn't leave. While he was trying to figure it out, he heard a dog barking. That's when he got a great thought. He said to himself, "Where there is a dog there is no cat and where there's no cat I can go for my walk." So he strutted on out of his hole. All of a sudden the cat grabbed the mouse, chewed him up, and ate him. Then the cat said, "Wow, it's great to be bilingual!"
Another Bad one. A sloth was walking through the jungle one day when he was set upon by a gang of vicious snails. The snails left him bleeding and confused at the bottom of a tree. Several hours later, he summoned the strength to go to the police and report the assault. He was asked by the desk sergeant to describe his attackers. He replied, "I don't know what they looked like, it all happened so fast."