KCNET NEWSLETTER FUN PAGE 04/18/04
SIGN PARODY QUOTES CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS
TRIVIA: I found some interesting interpretations for some of our most common traffic and road signs. They are parodies of course, but in many cases they make more sense than the interpretation the DMV would like us to understand. I hope you enjoy the descriptions.
The "lead" pencil (which contains no lead) was invented in 1564 when a huge graphite (black carbon) mine was discovered in England. The pure graphite was sawn into sheets and then cut into square rods. The graphite rods were inserted into hand-carved wooden holders, forming pencils. They were called lead pencils by mistake - at the time, graphite was called black lead or "plumbago," from the Greek word for lead (it looked and acted like lead, and it was not known at the time that graphite consisted of carbon and not lead). In 1795, the Nicholas Jacques Conte (a French officer in Napoleon's army) patented the modern method of kiln-firing powdered graphite with clay to make pencils of any desired hardness.
Madame C. J. Walker (December 23, 1867 - May 25, 1919) was an inventor, businesswoman and self-made millionaire. Sarah Breedlove McWilliams C. J. Walker was an African-American who developed many beauty and hair care products that were extremely popular. Madame Walker started her cosmetics business in 1905. Her first product was a scalp treatment that used petroleum and a hot comb. Sarah later invented a system for straightening hair. She added Madame to her name and began selling her new "Walker System" door-to-door. Walker soon added a * hair-growing ointment and other cosmetic products to her line. The products were very successful and she soon had many saleswomen, called "Walker Agents," who sold her products door to door.
* I could use some of that hair growing ointment. I've suffered a hair razing event. (Mike)
QUOTES: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." --Eleanor Roosevelt
"If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they are about to announce the lottery numbers!" --Homer Simpson
"The shortest distance between two points is always under construction." --Noelie Alite
"Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?" --Jay Leno
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." --Ann Landers
"A word to the wise ain't necessary- it's the stupid ones who need the advice." -- Bill Cosby
"Don't worry about senility- when it hits you, you won't know it." -- Bill Cosby
"Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come home." -- Bill Cosby
"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone." -- Bill Cosby
CHUCKLES AND BELLY LAUGHS I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet. From Just For Grins I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC). Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an email entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.) The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people only you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green M&Ms -- if you don't, the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: You will get sick from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse/mate will develop a skin rash from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your e-mails forever. I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.
Grandmother....Is that you? - - Bill Hamm to Bud Casselberry to the Newsletter. A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?" The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?" "Yes granddaughter, it's me." "It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats. "Yes, it's really me, granddaughter." The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?" "Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me." The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you." "Anything, my child." "Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
Too Young From Good Clean Fun My sister went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married." "Why do you say that?" I asked. "Because," she said, "they've registered for Nintendo games."
Alternate Uses for Duct Tape * Hate finding your mailbox clogged with junk mail, advertising circulars and bills? Duct tape your mailbox shut. * Obliterate that blinking "12:00" on your VCR once and for all with a single strip of duct tape. * Gals - duct tape keeps the toilet seat down * Guys - duct tape keeps the toilet seat up * Wrap sticky-side out around your hand to pick up fuzz, lint and pet hair from clothing and furniture also picks up small pets from clothing and furniture. * Replace winter boots with socks wrapped in several layers of duct tape. * Duct tape hand held games to your car's steering wheel for amusement during afternoon traffic jams. Also great on trips. * High chair falling apart after the third kid? Duct tape will make it last for three or four more. * You may also want to duct tape your kid to the seat to avoid mid-meal slippage. * Make a fashion statement: Patch old blue jeans with duct tape. * Broken wooden serving spoons? Repair with duct tape, instant mock-silver service. * Tired of refrigerator magnets tumbling to the floor each time you reach for a cold drink? Duct tape will hold the kids' artwork until they graduate. * Quiet noisy kids: Make a Wacky-Roller duct tape ball to keep them busy. * If all else fails, simply tape their mouths shut.
What would you do? You are one of *two* people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react? * Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway. * Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before. * Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute. * Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions. * Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline. * Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment. * Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too. * Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings. * Advertiser: you strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99. * Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss. * Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked. * Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases. * Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists. * English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions. * Comparative Literature: you read the parachute instructions in all four languages. * Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could. * Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute. * Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of. * Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute. * Art: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it. * Republican: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard and not expect handouts. * Democrat: you ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can cut the parachute into two equal pieces. * Libertarian: after reminding them of their constitutional right to have a parachute, you take it and jump out. * National Rifle Association: you shoot them and take the parachute. * Police Bigot: you beat them unconscious with the parachute. * Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable. * Objectivist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute, as the free market will take care of the other person. * Branch Davidian (David Koresh): you get inside the parachute and refuse to come out. * Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash. * Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine. * Ross Perot: you tell them not to worry, since it won't take you long to learn how to fix a plane. * Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health. * Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown no link whatsoever between airplane crashes and death.
Wayne Wert for this one. Joe's wife likes to sing so she decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch. His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing?" Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."
THE GROANERS: The Snail This one is pretty bad. A man was sitting in his house when he heard a tapping on the door. He went to see who it was. He opened the door and looked around he then heard a tiny voice, "Hey mister, could you lend me 10 bucks?" The man looked down and saw a snail sitting on his porch. He said, "What do you want?" The snail said, "Could you lend me 10 bucks?" The man yelled, "get out of here!" and then kicked him off the porch. About a year later the man hears a tapping on his door again. He goes out to see who it is. He looks around and he finally heard a tiny voice say, "What did you do that for?"
From Just For Grins A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather for the remaining of the shoot. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?" The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said, "My radio is broken."
A Redneck Murder Dave Glossner sent this one. Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder 1. All the DNA is the same. 2. There are no dental records.
Gary n Patti for this one. There were two blonde guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again." The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
Janet Shields sent this one. The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk goes "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner goes "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!" The clerk goes "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough."
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