KCNET NEWSLETTER FUN PAGE 04/11/04
TRIVIA QUOTES CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS
TRIVIA: Pop's Quiz Thanks to Sonya VanOrder (1) There's one "sport" in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it? (2) What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward? (3) Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables? (4) Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball? (5) What fruit has its seeds on the outside? (6) In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle? (7) Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw." They are all common. Name two of them. (8) There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them? (9) Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los Angeles Lakers?" (10) There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls-a walk-is one way. Name the other six. (11) It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it? (12) Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet that begin with the letter "S."
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More Trivia ADHESIVE TAPE Richard G. Drew (1899-1980) invented masking tape and clear adhesive tape (also called cellophane tape or Scotch tape). Drew was an engineer for the 3M (Minnesota Mining) company. Drew's first tape invention was a masking tape made for painters in 1923 (this tape was designed to help painters paint a straight border between two colors). This early masking tape was a wide paper tape with adhesive on only the edges of the tape - not in the middle. Drew made an improved tape called Scotch (TM) Brand Cellulose Tape in 1930. This tape was a clear, all-purpose adhesive tape that was soon adopted worldwide. The first tape dispenser with a built-in cutting edge was invented in 1932 by John A. Borden, another 3M employee.
AQUALUNG The aqualung is a breathing apparatus that supplied oxygen to divers and allowed them to stay underwater for several hours. It was invented in 1943 by Jacques-Yves Cousteau (1910 -1997) and the French industrial gas control systems engineer Emile Gagnan. Among the innovations in their device was a mechanism that provided inhalation and exhaust valves at the same level. That summer, the new device was tested in the Mediterranean Sea down to 210 ft (68 m) by Cousteau, Philippe Tailliez, and Frédérik Dumas. This safe, easy-to-use, and reliable device was the first modern scuba system.
MAILBOX The street letter drop mailbox with a hinged door that closed to protect the mail was invented by Philip B. Downing. Downing, an African-American inventor, patented his new device on October 27, 1891 (US Patent # 462,096).
PARKING METER The parking meter is a device for generating money from a parking spot. When you put money in the meter, you are allowed to park for a given amount of time - after that, you can be given a parking ticket. The parking meter was invented by Carl C. Magee of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, USA. The first parking meter was installed in Oklahoma City. Magee holds a patent (#2,118,318) for a "coin controlled parking meter," filed on May 13, 1935 and issued on May 24, 1938. QUOTES: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." --Eleanor Roosevelt
"If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they are about to annnounce the lottery numbers!" --Homer Simpson
"Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?" --Jay Leno
"It isn't necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It's only necessary be rich." --Alan Alda
"I studied the lives of great men and famous women, and I found that the men and women who got to the top were those who did the jobs they had in hand, with everything they had of energy and enthusiasm." --Henry Truman
Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive. --Anais Nin
CHUCKLES AND BELLY LAUGHS The Day After It was following the resurrection and disciples were still somewhat scattered about Jerusalem and the surrounding villages. John finds Peter and runs up to him. Excitedly he says, "Peter, Peter! I've got some good news and some bad news." Peter takes a hold of John and calms him down. "Take it easy, John. What is it? What's the good news?" John says, "The good news is Jesus has risen." Peter says, "That's great! But, what's the bad news?" John, looking around, says, "He's really steamed about last Friday.
The Cat Thanks to David Glossner for this one. A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid witch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard again!" The cabdriver hit a parked car....
A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. Got this one from Bud. A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "150." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool." The man decided to test the robot. He walked out the bar, turned around, and came back in for another drink. Again, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool." The man went out and came back in a third time. As before, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "50." The robot then said, "So, are you Democrats really going to vote for John Kerry?"
Equal Time Here! See Above...And then this punch line...The man went out and came back in a third time. As before, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "50." The robot then said, "So, are you Republicans really going to vote for George Bush?"
Do you remember the milkman? Are you old enough to remember having your milk delivered by the milkman? Here are some funny notes left to those trusty men. * "Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one." * "Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk." * "Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it" * "Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk." * "Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks." * "Sorry about yesterdays note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round." * "When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you 'to give me a hand to turn the mattress." * "Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last nights 'Sopranos' . If you saw it, will you tell me what happened." * "My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle." * "Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me." * "Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it." * "From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk." * "My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table , because we want to play bingo tonight." * "Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday...or is it today?" * "When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk." * "No milk. Please do not leave milk at No.14 either as he is dead until further notice."
Blondes, Pearly Gates and Easter - might qualify as a groaner Three blondes died together in an automobile accident on Easter Sunday. As they line up at the Pearly Gates of heaven, St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh really?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
Moses and the Computer world "Excuse me, Sir." "Is that you again, Moses?" "I'm afraid it is, Sir." "What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?" "How did you guess?" "I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?" "Oh, yeah, I forgot." "Tell me what you want, Moses." "But you already know. Remember?" "Moses!" "Sorry, Sir." "Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out." "Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those 'ten things' you sent me?" "You mean the Commandments, Moses?" "That's it. I was wondering if they were important." "What do you mean 'were important,' Moses? Of course, they're important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you." "Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of course you would see right through that." "What do you mean 'you lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?" "No, Sir. I forgot." "You should always save, Moses." "Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though." "And did you hear back from any of them?" "You already know I did. What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'? Can he change the words a little bit?" "Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning." "And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?" "Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that." "I think that means 'no.' Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?" "I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses." "Oh, yeah. I E-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer." "And what did he say?" "You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those -- er -- plagues, and that's the reason I lost those ten things, do you?" "They're called 'viruses,' Moses." "Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but at least I never lost them." "We'll do it the new way, Moses." "I was afraid you would say that, Sir." "Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?" "You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer." "It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?" "No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way, Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?" "No, Moses." "One other thing. Why didn't you name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice,'because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?" "I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to." "Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman who named one of the computers Apple?" "Say good night, Moses." "Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the 'ten things' have come back." "Which ones are they, Moses?" "Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'" "Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets."
THE GROANERS: Wayne Wert sent this one from Last Laugh A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather for the remaining of the shoot. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?" The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said, "My radio is broken."
Jumper Sue Clements for this one. Mike, a very handsome, intelligent man, walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looks at Mike and says, " Do you think he will jump?" Mike says, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Mike placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to Mike and said, "All is fair. Here is your money." Mike replies, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Getting Into Heaven A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were on their way to Heaven. God told them that the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and that on every 5th step He would tell them a joke. He told them not to laugh at any of the jokes along the way or else they would not be able to enter Heaven. The brunette went first and started laughing on the 45th step, so she could not enter Heaven. The redhead went next and started laughing on the 200th step, so she could not enter Heaven either. Then, it was the blonde's turn. When she got to the 999th step, she started laughing. "Why are you laughing?" God asked. "I didn't tell a joke." "I know," the blonde replied. "I just got the first joke."
Blonde Bird Question A blonde named Pam is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" with Regis Philbin. Regis: "Pam, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars. If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?" Pam: "Yes." Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush." Pam: "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol." Carol (also a blonde) answers the phone: "Hello?" Regis: "Hello Carol, it's Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Pam's..." Pam: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush." Carol: "Oh geez, Pam. That's simple. It's a cuckoo." Pam: "Are you sure?" Carol: "I'm sure." Regis: "Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?" Pam: "I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo." Regis:" Is that your final answer?" Pam: "Yes." Regis: "Are you confident?" Pam: "Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart." Regis: "You said C) cuckoo... And you're right! Congratulations, you have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS!" To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're sipping champagne, Pam looks at Carol and asks her," Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?" "Pam, it was easy," replies her (blonde?) friend. "Everybody knows that cuckoos live in clocks."
Answers To Trivia Quiz 1. Boxing. 2. Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute. 3. Asparagus and rhubarb. 4. Baseball. 5. Strawberry. 6. The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems. 7. Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle. 8. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses. 9. In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers and kept the name when they moved west. 10. Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher drops third strike; fielder's choice; and being designated as a pinch runner. 11. Lettuce. 12. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, snowshoes, stockings.
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