KCNET NEWSLETTER FUN PAGE 04/04/04
TRIVIA QUOTES CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS
TRIVIA:
MORE CHICKEN AND EGG STUFF Scientists say that there were chickens in America long ago. But, these chickens weren’t the same kinds of chickens that lay our eggs today. Historians believe that the first chickens related to today’s egg layers were brought to America by Columbus’ ships. The chicken breed that lays most of the eggs we eat is the Single-Comb White Leghorn. The name Leghorn comes from a city in Italy called Livorno in Italian.
The average laying hen lays 257 eggs a year. How long does it take to lay an egg, that is how long does it take a hen to lay an egg? 365 (days in a year) times 24 (hours in a day) = X (hours in a year) X (hours in a year) divided by 257 (eggs laid in a year) = Y (hours to lay one egg) ANSWER - X = 8,760 hours in a year Y = about 34 (34.085603) hours to lay one egg The actual time it takes for a hen to make an egg and lay it is 24 to 26 hours. Then the hen rests about 30 minutes or so before starting to make another one. In addition to resting about 1/2 hour each time an egg is laid, some hens rest about every 3 to 5 days and others rest about every 10 days. Some hens hardly rest at all. The resting times increase the total time to lay an egg. Altogether, with all the resting times, the average hen lays about 5 eggs a week (52 weeks in a year times 5 eggs a week = 260 eggs a year).
After eggs are laid, gathered and washed, they get graded and sized before they’re packed into cartons. The grade is decided by checking both the outside and the inside of the egg. On the outside, the checker looks to see if the shell is clean and unbroken and has a normal shape and texture – without bumps, ridges, thin spots or rough areas. The shell color doesn’t matter. On the inside, the checker looks to see if the white is firm, thick and clear. The checker also looks to see if the yolk is the right size and shape and has no blemishes. Through the shell, the checker can see the size of the air cell, too. The smaller the air cell, the higher the grade. Eggs are graded AA, A and B. AA is the highest just like an A+ is the highest school grade.
In the past, a candle was held up behind an egg so the checker could see inside the egg without breaking it. Today, eggs move on rollers over a strong light instead of a candle. But grading is still called candling. Another way to check the quality of an egg is to break it out onto a plate. When the egg is broken out of its shell, the checker can see the white and yolk even better. Candling is used most of the time because most eggs are sold in the shell. But, some eggs are randomly broken out as an extra quality test.
QUOTES: I was exposed to two precious but percocious children for two days this past weekend, relatives I must add. I had forgotten what life was like with children especially those that belong to another. I decided to use a children theme for this week's quotes. (Mike) "A grownup is a child with layers on." --Paxton Blair
Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.
"Sometimes the child in one behaves a certain way and the rest of oneself follows behind, slowly shaking its head." --Niels Henrik David Bohr
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
"There must be such a thing as a child with average ability, but you can't find a parent who will admit that it is his child." --Thomas Andrew Bailey
"In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television." --Erma Bombeck
"Never underestimate a child's ability to get into more trouble." --Martin Mull.
The most important thing that parents can teach their children is how to get along without them. --Frank A. Clark
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children. --Clarence Darrow:
"I never met a kid I liked." --WC Fields.
"Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave, when they think their children are naive." -- Ogden Nash
Too many parents make life hard for their children by trying, too zealously, to make it easy for them. --Goethe
"Having children makes one no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist." -- Michael Levine
"Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers." -- Socrates (470?-399 B.C.)
CHUCKLES AND BELLY LAUGHS Much Faster Than A Speeding Bullet Jim sent this one to Bud Casselberry. An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?"he asked the second man. "Hmm....let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye... that's a very popular cliche for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said. Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA." "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain," said the fourth man. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, It had already happened!"
Another from Jim to Bud An old farmer is outside for a walk around his land when he sees a sign on his neighbor's lawn: "Horse for Sale". Curious, he decides to have a look-see. As he approaches his neighbor's stable, he sees his old Italian friend brushing down a fine looking stallion. "Hello friend, I saw your sign out there and came over to see your horse for sale." Now, the Italian farmer speaks very poor English, but manages to answer well enough. "Yep, yep, disa is da horse for-a sale." "This horse here?" quizzes the old farmer, "Why he's a fine horse! Why-ever would you sell him?" "Well," sighs the Italian farmer, "He no looka so good anymore." The old farmer, convinced that his neighbor has lost his mind, makes the sale and leads the horse across his field over to the stable. As he taps the horse gently on the back to coax him into the stable, he watches as the horse misses the door completely and smacks head first into the wall. "That ol' cheat sold me a near blind horse!" growls the old farmer. He then proceeds to storm over across the field, reigns in hand, to give his neighbor a piece of his mind. "You sold me a near blind horse you ol' cheat and you didn't even tell me!" he screams. "Eh! I tolla you!" cries the Italian farmer, "I say, 'he no looka so good anymore!'"
The Dentist C. Wayne Wert sent this one. A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for a tooth extraction. "$85 for an extraction sir" was the dentist's reply. "Ouch huv yer no got anythin' cheaper" replies the Scotsman getting agitated. "But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir" said the dentist. "What about if yer din't use any anesthetic?" asked the Scotsman hopefully. "Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for $70" said the dentist. "Hmmmm, what about if yer used one of your dentist trainees and still without anesthetic" said the Scotsman. "Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism and it'll be a lot more painful. I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40" said the dentist. "Och that's still a bit much, how about if yer make it a trainin' session and have yer student do the extraction and the other students watchin' and learnin" said the Scotsman hopefully. "Hmmmmm, well OK it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge you only $5 in that case" said the dentist. "Och, now yer talkin', laddie! It's a deal" said the Scotsman "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday?"
Do you know who I am....Bill Hamm to Bud President George W. Bush decides it is time to do some publicrelations at a local Washington DC nursing home. The President begins his "tour" down the main hallway and passes by a little old man who doesn't seem to notice him. Sensing this, President Bush backtracks to the resident and asks, "Do you know who I am?" The little old man looks up from his walker and says, "No, but if you go to the front desk, they will tell you your name."
Brothers From Bud At the construction site of a new church, the contractor stopped to chat with one of his workmen. "Patty," he asked casually, "didn't you once tell me that you had a brother who was a bishop?" "That I did." "And you are a bricklayer! It sure is a funny world. Things in life aren't divided equally, are they?" "No, that they ain't," agreed Patty, as he proudly slapped the mortar along the line of bricks. "My poor brother couldn't do this to save his life!"
This one from Sue Clements A man walks into the closet to speak to his wife while she is rummaging through her clothes and asks her what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake! Then it was off to a movie-the latest epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." Sue added this moral, I think. The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.
Wayne Smith sent this gem. A systems engineer, mechanical engineer, and a software engineer are in a car careening down a mountainous road without brakes. The driver is furiously pumping the pedal while he steers the speeding car around the treacherous turns - stones flying and passengers gasping. Finally, he finds an incline and the car coasts to a stop. All three get out and, thanking their lucky stars, begin to assess the situation. "Oh," says the mechanical engineer, "the brake lines are leaking - lets patch the hole, bleed the brakes and be on our way!" The systems engineer said "maybe we should consult with the manufacturer and the dealer to ensure that is really the problem." The software engineer said "why don't we get back in and see if it happens again?"
THE GROANERS: Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron." "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive."
From Just For Grins A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
Bandaged Roommate : Dr.Bill Hamm There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered with bandages from head to toe. I said to him, "What do you do for a living?" He said, "I'm a former window washer." I asked, "When did you give it up?" He replied, "Halfway down."
Mistakes men make From Carole to Bud Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.
Just For Grins Noah opens up the ark and lets all the animals out, telling them to "Go forth and multiply." He's closing the great doors of the ark when he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner. So he says to them, "Didn't you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply." "We can't," said the snakes, "We're adders."
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