TRIVIA QUOTES CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS
TRIVIA: Guess which of the following are true or false: This one from Sonya VanOrder No peeking at the answers.... 1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. 2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton. 3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs. 4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more. 5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop even your heart! 6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties. 7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute. 8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old. 9. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines. 10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498. 11. The average housefly lives for one month. 12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year. 13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened. 14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute. 15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day. 16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep. 17. The REAL reason an ostrich sticks its head in the sand is to search for water. 18. The only 2 animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot. 19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie". 20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem. 21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk. 22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash. 23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor. 24 Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery. 25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins. 26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green. All are true
Miscellaneous Trivia * A typical school bus gets about seven miles per gallon of fuel. * San Francisco cable cars are the only mobile national monuments in the United States. * It took 55 hours to build each new 1998 'C5' Corvette * What is the highest mileage by a single car? 1,579,040 Miles as of July 10, 1995 by a VW Beetle belonging to Albert Klein * What did Lamborghini produce before they started making fast cars? Tractors * The first Ford cars had Dodge engines. * A total of forty-three 1983 model Corvettes were built, but there were so many quality problems with them it was decided to halt production until they could be corrected. By the time the problems were corrected, it was so late into the model year that the car was brought out as a 1984 model which was run for a year and a half. The 1983's were never sold to the public and the only one that is known to still exist is in the National Corvette Museum in Bowling Green, Kentucky. * Water to steam ratio- 1:1600 (one cup of water will make 1600 cups of steam.) * Babe Ruth has the record for career strikeouts-- 1,330. * The chances of dying in a car are 1 in 125-- airplane 1 in 4.6 million-- elevator 1 in 6 million-- earthquake 1 in 11 million. * Americans open the refrigerator an average of 22 times per day. * By age 65, the human heart will have beat about 2 1/2 billion times. * The initials M.G. on the famous British-made automobile stand for "Morris Garage." * Castor oil is used as a lubricant in jet planes. * The height and width of modern American battleships was originally determined by insuring they had to be able to go beneath the Brooklyn Bridge and through the Panama Canal.A jet plane breathes more air between takeoff and 30,000 feet than a man breathes in 20 years. * What is the land vehicle speed record? Driver Andy Green pushed Richard Noble’s Thrust SSC vehicle to 763.035 mph to break the one mile record over Nevada’s Black Rock Desert in October 1997. The Thrust SSC was the first car to break the sound barrier. * As an advertising gimmick, Carl Mayer, nephew of lunchmeat mogul Oscar Meyer, invented the company's "Wienermobile". On July 18, 1936, the first Oscar Mayer "Wienermobile" rolled out of General Body Company's factory in Chicago. The Wienermobile still tours the U.S. today. * Actor now Governor of CA, Arnold Schwarzenegger bought the first Hummer manufactured for civilian use in 1992. The vehicle weighed in at 6,300 pounds and was 7 feet wide. * A supertanker (fully loaded) traveling at a normal speed of 16 knots needs at least 20 minutes to come to a stop. * Why are portholes (windows) on a ship round? The constant up and down motion of a ship places a lot of strain and stress on a ship's outer covering, or skin. If portholes were designed at angles, the stress would tend to concentrate at those points and perhaps crack the skin (probably not a good thing). With portholes being round, this stress is evenly distributed around the holes, making it less likely for these cracks to occur. * The name of the statuette atop the hood of every Rolls Royce car is: The Spirit of Ecstasy. * A Boeing 707 uses four thousand gallons of fuel in its take-off climb. * 61,000 people are airborne over the US any given hour. * The Space Shuttle's main engine weighs 1/7th as much as a train’s engine, but delivers as much horsepower as 39 train engines. * Each of the Space Shuttle's solid rocket boosters burns 5 tons of propellant per second.
QUOTES: "I can't say I was ever lost, but I was bewildered once for three days." --Daniel Boone
A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. --Arthur Block
"Each day comes bearing its own gifts. Untie the ribbons." --Ruth Ann Schabaker
"Greed lessens what is gathered." --Arab proverb
"Be happy. It's one way of being wise." --Colette
"Everything is funny as long as it's happening to someone else." --Will Rogers
When everything has to be right, something isn't." --Stanislaw Lec
"The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us." --Voltaire
"Nothing in business is so valuable as time." --John H. Patterson
"Jealousy is all the fun you think they had." --Erica Jong
"As a moth gnaws a garment, so doth envy consume a man." --St. John Chrysostom
"To cure jealousy is to see it for what it is, a dissatisfaction with self." --Joan Didion
"Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money." --Arthur Miller (Death of a Salesman)
CHUCKLES AND BELLY LAUGHS Sparing in verse. Bud Casselberry sent this last week. A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
Jim Rockwell sent this one and it made "cents" and had residual payoff too. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00. With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left. But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Miller (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling price, you would have $214.00. Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is now my new retirement program, I call it my 401-Keg.
Useful Military Warnings: Wayne Smith sent this next batch of good advice. "Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." -U.S. Army "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F.Ammo Troop "If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance. "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance "Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth "If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay "Any ship can be a minesweeper ...once." - Anon "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S.A. Ammo Troop
Bank Line the next two from Bud via Good Clean Fun With only two tellers working at the bank, the line I was standing in was moving very slowly. As I waited, I began to fill in my withdrawal slip. Not sure of the date, I turned and asked the woman behind me. "It's the fifth," she replied. From the back of the line a man advised, "Don't write it in yet!"
Taking Care A customer was really hassling an airline agent at the ticket counter yelling and using foul language. However, the agent was polite, pleasant and smiled while the customer continued to abuse her. When the man finally left, the next person in line said to the agent, "Does that happen often? I can't believe how nice you were to him." The agent smiled and said, "No problem, I took care of it. He's going to Detroit. His bags are going to Bangkok."
Tom Livingston sent this one. A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them Reading, Writing, Math, and Science. One day the youngest & prettiest wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The members of the tribe are shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and my youngest wife has given birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!" The professor replies, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence... what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief is silent for a moment, then says: "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about the sheep and I won't say anything more about the baby.
THE GROANERS: John Kneedler gets the credit for this one. Two factory workers were talking. "I think I'll take some time off from work." said the man. "How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde. He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down. The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing? "I'm a light bulb" answered the guy. "I think you need some time off," said the boss. So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory. The blonde began walking out too. The boss asked her where did she think she was going? The blonde answered, "Home. I can't work in the dark".
The Cracked Bowl Dr Bill Hamm for this one. Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup. After a couple of spoonfuls, he saw a circle of wetness right under the bowl on the tablecloth. He called the waitress over and said, "It's all wet down here. The bowl must be cracked." The waitress said, "You ordered vegetable soup, didn't you?" "Yes," responded the man. "Maybe it has a leek in it!" said the waitress.
The Talking Clock: Bud sent this one too. Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You idiot! It's three thirty in the morning!"
True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting. Wayne smith and John Kneedler get the credit for this one A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police had his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why... They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There, sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing. OOPS!!
C. Wayne Wert for this one. So anyway, Ole and a couple of guys were traveling and happened to meet at bar in Ohio. Tex was from Texas, Sam was from Kentucky and Ole was from Wisconsin. They started talking about their problems with their wives. Tex began by saying "I told my wife clearly that from now on she would have to do all of the cooking. Well, the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing, but on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, and a wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and even dessert." Sam from Kentucky piped up "I sat my wife down and told her, that from now on she would have to do all the grocery shopping and all of the house cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But the third day, when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries." Ole said he was married to Lena, who had grown up in Wisconsin all her life. He sat up straight on the bar stool, pushed out his chest and said, "I give Lena stern look and I teld her, dat from now on she would have to do da cookin, shoppin and house cleanin. Vell, da first day I saw nuttin'. Da secont day I saw nuttin'. But by the tird day, I could see a little bit out o' me left eye."
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