IRISH PROVERBS IRISH QUOTES, CURSES AND SAYINGS IRISH CUTIES
IRISH PROVERBS: A drink precedes a story. A friend's eye is a good mirror. A hen is heavy when carried far. A hound's food is in its legs. A lock is better than suspicion. A silent mouth is melodious. A trade not properly learned is an enemy. Age is honorable and youth is noble. As the big hound is, so will the pup be. Be neither intimate nor distant with the clergy. Both your friend and your enemy think you will never die. Even a small thorn causes festering. Good as drink is, it ends in thirst. He who comes with a story to you brings two away from you. He who gets a name for early rising can stay in bed until midday. If you do not sow in the spring you will not reap in the autumn. If you want to be criticized, marry. Instinct is stronger than upbringing. It is a bad hen that does not scratch herself. It is a long road that has no turning. It is better to exist unknown to the law. It is not a secret if it is known by three people. It is sweet to drink but bitter to pay for. It is the good horse that draws its own cart. It is the quiet pigs that eat the meal. It takes time to build castles. Rome wan not built in a day. It's not a matter of upper and lower class but of being up a while and down a while. Lack of resource has hanged many a person. Listen to the sound of the river and you will get a trout. May you have a bright future - as the chimney sweep said to his son. Mere words do not feed the friars. Nature breaks through the eyes of the cat. Necessity is the mother of invention. Necessity knows no law. Need teaches a plan. Patience is poultice for all wounds. People live in each other's shelter. Put silk on a goat, and it's still a goat. Quiet people are well able to look after themselves. The day will come when the cow will have use for her tail. The hole is more honorable than the patch. The light heart lives long. The man with the boots does not mind where he places his foot. The mills of God grind slowly but they grind finely. The raggy colt often made a powerful horse. The smallest thing outlives the human being. The wearer best knows where the shoe pinches. The well fed does not understand the lean. The work praises the man. The world would not make a racehorse of a donkey. There is hope from the sea, but none from the grave. There is no fireside like your own fireside. There is no luck except where there is discipline. There is no need like the lack of a friend. There is no strength without unity. Thirst is the end of drinking and sorrow is the end of drunkenness. Three diseases without shame: Love, itch and thirst. Time is a great story teller. Two shorten the road. Two thirds of the work is the semblance. Walk straight, my son - as the old crab said to the young crab. When a twig grows hard it is difficult to twist it. Every beginning is weak. When fire is applied to a stone it cracks. When the apple is ripe it will fall. When the drop (drink) is inside, the sense is outside. When the liquor was gone the fun was gone. Wine divulges truth. You cannot make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. You must live with a person to know a person. If you want to know me come and live with me. Youth does not mind where it sets its foot. Youth sheds many a skin. The steed (horse) does not retain its speed forever. You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was.
This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever. --Sigmund Freud (about the Irish)
The problem with Ireland is that it’s a country full of genius, but with absolutely no talent. --Hugh Leonard
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. --Alex Levine
Maybe it's bred in the bone, but the sound of pipes is a little bit of heaven to some of us. --Nancy O'Keefe
In Ireland the inevitable never happens and the unexpected constantly occurs. --Sir John Pentland Mahaffy
I'm always suspicious of games where you're the only ones that play it. --Jack Charlton on hurling
I'm troubled, I'm dissatisfied. I'm Irish. --Marianne Moore
It's not that the Irish are cynical. It's rather that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody. --Brendan Behan
CURSES:
SAYINGS: A man that can't laugh at himself should be given a mirror. A man takes a drink; the drink takes a drink; the drink takes the man. A narrow neck keeps the bottle from being emptied in one swig. Morning is the time to pity the sober. The way they're feeling then is the best they're going to feel all day. You can lead the horse to the well, but you can't make him drink. Better the coldness of a friend than the sweetness of an enemy. Be nice to them on the way up. You might meet them all on the way down. If a man fools me once, shame on him. If he fools me twice, shame on me. Let your anger set the sun and not rise again with it.
IRISH CUTIES: Starting a zoo Murphy decided to find an interesting hobby. Animals appealed to him so he wrote to the local pet store. 'Dear sir, I'm starting my own zoo and would like you to send me two mongooses ...' He looked at the spelling and thought, 'That's not right'. So he wrote: 'Send me two mongi'. That looked even worse. '... send me two mongeese.' No, that was worse still. In the end, though, sanity prevailed and he wrote: Dear sir, I'm starting my own zoo. Could you please send me a mongoose. PS. And could you send me another one?
One liners Seen in a Dublin newspaper: Prize crossword. Solve it and win £20,000 plus a holiday for two in Paris. For those only playing for fun, the answers are on page 14.
Sign on the coast road by a small Sligo village: 'When you can't read this sign, the road is flooded.'
Measurements 'I want some six by four timber for the new barn,' said Cassidy. 'We don't call it that now,' said the DIY manager. 'Since we've gone metric you have to ask for 15.2cms by 10.16cms. And if you want any it's two pounds a foot!'
Naming Father Francis it was who stubbed his toe and stumbled whilst baptising a child, and henceforth the boy was known as Thomas oops McNaily'.
How far to that village? 'How long will it take me to walk into the village from here?' inquired the English tourist. 'No idea,' replied the Kerry farmer. Off trudged the Englishman muttering to himself. 'Come back, sor,' called the Kerryman. 'What now?' asked the tourist. 'It'll take you about ten minutes.' 'Why didn't you tell me that in the first place?' asked the Englishman. 'Sure I didn't know how fast you walked!' smiled the farmer.
The umbrella The old priest had come to visit a sick parishioner in a lonely farmhouse in the west of Ireland. He arrived on a freezing cold, torrentially wet day and was greeted by the farmer and his two sons. 'Come in, Father. My wife is through in the parlour. There's a roaring fire that'll warm the cockles of your heart. Finbar, bring the father a whiskey. Eugene, shake the rain off Father's umbrella and bring it into the house.' No matter how Eugene manoeuvred the umbrella, he couldn't get it through the front door. 'Finbar, will you help me with this contraption, it's too wide to come through the lobby,' he called. 'Don't worry,' said the priest. Till do it.' So saying, he pressed the catch which released the spring and the umbrella collapsed down. 'Did you see that,' said Finbar with complete reverence. 'They certainly do have the power!'
The operation Rafferty had been told to attend hospital for a minor operation, but he was afraid. So when the fateful morning arrived, he lay in bed determined not to go. 'Ring the hospital,' he said to his wife, 'and tell them I'm sick.' 'You get to hospital,' she answered. 'There's nothing wrong with you!' So Rafferty arrived at hospital and was bathed, changed and safely tucked up in bed. 'Now,' said the nurse, 'you're to stay there and not get up. So let me know if you want a bed pan.' 'A bed pan?' roared Rafferty. 'Don't tell me we've got to do our own cooking!'
What did you learn at Sunday School So little Eamonn had returned from Sunday School and his mother asked what he'd learned that day. 'Well,' he said, 'Father O'Malley told us how Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt and into the Promised Land.' 'Indeed,' said Mother. 'And what exactly happened?' 'Well,' went on the little fellow. 'Moses got all the people together and loaded them into buses, lorries and cars. They drove off into the desert at night time and it wasn't till the morning that the Pharaoh found out they'd gone. When he realised what happened he was angry and he gathered all his army together, tanks, halftracks, jeeps and everything. They chased after the Israelites and they caught them at the Red Sea. Moses had built a pontoon bridge and he'd thrown it across the water and his people were just starting to cross when the Egyptians came up firing their rockets and anti-tank missiles and completely destroyed the Pharaoh's army. Then the people crossed the bridge into the Promised Land.' 'Wow, what a story,' said the mother. 'Is that what Father O'Malley told you?' 'Well, no,' replied Eamon. 'Not quite. But the way Father O'Malley told the tale you'd never believe it!'
Irish assassinate Hitler? 'Adolf Hitler drives down this road every night at 9.15 pm,' said Casey the commando. 'We'll catch him in cross-fire and blow the devil's brains out.' 'Right,' said Murphy. 'Make no mistakes. Pour in the bullets and riddle his evil carcass. Rip him to shreds,' added Casey. 'Right,' said Murphy. 'Smash him to pulp, lob grenades and phosphorous bombs and obliterate him from the face of the earth!' 'Right,' said Murphy. There they lay, the two intrepid Kerrymen. Nine o'clock, 9.15, 9.30 - still no Hitler. 'He's awful late,' said Casey. 'I hope nothing's happened to him!'
Lost at Sea Two Irishmen Patrick & Michael were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!
The Fall Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"
THE GROANERS: World cruise Murphy couldn't resist the offer in his local paper. 'World cruise-£200 all in.' Full of beans, he paid his fare and boarded the liner. On deck he showed his ticket and was immediately chained to an oar, along with hundreds of others. Suddenly a huge black man appeared and began banging a drum. At the same time six sturdy sailors walked amongst the oars beating people with bullwhips until they pulled their weight. 'This is a disgrace,' said Murphy, wincing with pain and exertion. 'This is the twentieth century, and slavery has been abolished. When I get home I'll complain to the United Nations. I can't believe it. And what about that fellow on the big drum?' 'Well,' said Rafferty, 'he's not as good as the bloke we had last year!'
How much is the fare? 'How much is the bus fare to Dalkey?' asked Cassidy. 'Sixty pence,' said the driver. I've only fifty,' said Cassidy. I'll run after the bus for a bit.' Having sprinted two stops, Cassidy breathlessly asked, 'How much is it now?' 'Seventy-five pence,' said the driver. 'You're running the wrong way.
Lost his senses. An Irishman who had a little to much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course" slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening". "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Another Driving While Drinking An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding.The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
A hunting holiday The boys had gone to Canada on a hunting holiday. They decided to go to the Yukon to hunt bear, but on the way they saw a road sign saying - 'Bear left' - so they abandoned the trip. Next they went hunting deer, and were amazingly successful. The first morning they shot a huge stag and were pushing it through the forest glade. 'What are you boys doing?' inquired the ranger. 'We're taking this deer back to the car,' said Pat. 'Well, you've making heavy weather of it,' said the ranger. 'Why don't you drag it by the horns?' 'Good idea,' said Mick. So they proceeded to drag the stag for some time until Pat said, This is much easier, Mick, but we're getting farther from the car!'
Cortisone injection The specialist examined our hero and said 'I'm recommending that you be given a cortisone injection.' Rafferty rang his wife and said 'Guess what? I've impressed them that much they're giving me a car!'
Who hit you? A drunken Finnegan collapsed at the party and as he fell he caught his chin on the keyboard of the piano, knocking him spark out. On coming round his wife asked 'Who hit you?' 'I don't know,' said Finnegan. 'But he had a beautiful set of teeth!'