KCNET NEWSLETTER FUN PAGE 03/07/04
TRIVIA QUOTES CHUCKLES/BELLY LAUGHS & GROANERS
TRIVIA: The Ides of March Beware the Ides of March. Julius Caesar ignored that warning and you know what happened to him. But what are the Ides of March? Is there any such thing as a single Ide? Are Ides anything like Druthers? The Ides of March are what Romans called March 15. There's no such thing as a single Ide. Ides are nothing at all like Druthers. Druthers are smaller, hairier, and have fewer moving parts. Do other months have Ides? Yes, every selfrespecting month has Ides. May I call April the 15th the Ides of April. No, you may not, though local newscasters, for whom a little knowledge is always a dangerous thing, inevitably refer to the tax deadline as the Ides of April. Anyone with a third grade education (if he or she went to school in the 40's) can tell you right off that in April the Ides fall on the 13th and can recite the rhyme: March, July, October and May, the Nones fall on the 7th day. What's this about Nones? Okay, now listen carefully. The Romans did not count the days of the month from 1 through 30. Instead, three days in every month had names: * the Kalends fell on the 1st * the Nones on the 5th or 7th, according to the rhyme * the Ides on the 13th or 15th. And before you ask, there's no such thing as a single Kalend or None, and neither of them is anything like a Druther. When a Roman wanted to say "March the 14th", she had to say: "the day before the Ides of March" ( It goes faster in Latin). March the 6th would be: "The day before the None of March." (you never couted after, always before). April fool's day fell 'On the Kalends of April." After the Ides (the 13th or 15th, according to the month) you counted the days to the Kalends of the next month. March the 16th was "17 days before the Kalends of April." (with March 16 and April 1 in ancient fashion counting as full days). It was complicated stuff. A Roman had to know the rhyme In March, July, October, May; and when the date fell after the Ides, he hadda be able to manipulate "thirty days hath September" pretty quick too. My theory is Caesar just got the day's wrong. When told to beware the Ides of March, he had affairs of state on his mind. Dutifuly, he bewore all day on the 13th, the wrong damn day. Nothing happened. On the 15th his guard was down and they got him, in Pompey's theater, at the foot of Pompey's statue, where the senate happened to be meeting that day in the temple of Venus that was part of the theater complex. The foundations of the theater survive to this day, where the modern Roman restaurant Da Pamcrazio invites passersby to dine where Caesar was slain. It's in a wonderful part of the old city, near the Campo dei Fiori. The salad bar's pretty good, but avoid the Texas toast, and above all, Beware the Ides of March.
QUOTES: "The moon is a friend for the lonesome to talk to." --Carl Sandburg
"I dreamed a thousand new paths. . . I woke and walked my old one." --Chinese Proverb
"I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude." --Henry David Thoreau
"I love the challenge of starting at zero every day and seeing how much I can accomplish." --Martha Stewart
"Advice is like snow; the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind." --Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco." --Mark Twain
CHUCKLES AND BELLY LAUGHS Some New York City Driving Rules: I've seen these rules exercised right here in central PA. Bill Hamm * The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it. * Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car. * When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow oncoming traffic to pass. * Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work. * Always look both ways when running a red light. * Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in. * Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. And if a pedestrian ahead of you steps into the road, speed up, honk or yell loudly and chase him back up on the curb. * Pedestrians have no rights. * Making eye contact revokes your right of way.
A WELL PLANNED LIFE???? This one from Bud Casselberry Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, Did you manage to live a well planned life? " " Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker." Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?" "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Had a way with words. This one from Harold Pepperman to Bud and now the newsletter. The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. Their line had included Senators and Wall Street wizards. Now they decided to compile a family history, a legacy for the children. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose: how to handle that great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair. The author said he could handle that chapter of history tactfully. The book appeared. It said that "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties and ... his death came as a real shock."
This one for my Marine friend Don M. Harold Pepperman sent it to Bud and now the newsletter. A LITTLE MILITARY HUMOR ! On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."
Service type story with a different twist. From Gary n' Patti Dear Ma and Pa, I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a. m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Break fast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting back at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 ! pounds dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in. Your loving daughter, Jolene
THE GROANERS: Yes, there is an Easter Bunny, but you will not find it in this story. This one from Gary n' Patti Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful and stuff..." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and drink eggnog." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday, that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper. Then the Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. Then the third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
Another Easter story from Gary n' Patti A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry. A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do? " The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal. Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!!!! The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
Sure proof. From Just For Grins Suzanne and Lorna were talking about their work. "I hate filing," Lorna said, "No matter how careful I am, I can never find the papers I'm looking for. I forget where I have filed them." "I used to have that problem too, but no more," Suzanne replied, "Now I make 26 copies of everything I type and file one under each letter of the alphabet. That way, I can't miss it!"
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